Middle Class Problems: Moths are fluttery, their eggs are impossible to find and they're munching on our Brora!

Click to follow

The Horror! The horror! Forget Kurtz and his African conflict – the heart of darkness right now is situated squarely in our wardrobe.

There are thought to be 160,000 species of moth, many of which have yet to be scientifically described – but, frankly, who other than lepidopterists gives a fig? All we know is that they're fluttery, their eggs are impossible to find and they're munching on our bloody Brora. Gerroff!

Fat lot of good shouting at them does, so yes, we have tried the sprays. We have tried the traps, too (and they work, sort of – we caught 15, yet their number is legion). We have even tried encouraging the cat to eat them (not recommended).

We have doused the cupboards in bleach, we have vacuumed, we have hot-washed our clothes, sealed them in plastic bags and taken up all our freezer space for days at a time. But still the damned things return.

Are their eggs laid in our carpet? Probably. Are they in the walls? Who knows, but we wouldn't put it past them. Are they on our hangers? Well, we left them outside, in the rain, in the hope that they might catch a chill and just pop the hell off.

Perhaps it's our fault for buying our woollies at car boots and on eBay (well, who can afford it new?). There's only one thing for it: we'll just have to pass off those holes as rustic/old money style. Can we get away with that? Hmm. What about suggesting it's a new trend straight outta Hoxton? That sounds more likely. Just have to get rid of that smell…