The Sketch: Infamy, infamy, they've all got it in for me!

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The Independent Online

"For ****'s sake, ****ing VICTIMS, don't you ****ing under****ingstand what the House of ****-Commons is? Ach, you don't know ANYTHING YOU ****S!"

I'm recreating for your interest the briefing conversation between the Prime Minister and his intimate advisers yesterday, prior to PMQs. Or to put it more carefully, "the ****ing briefing ****ing prior to ****. I'm surrounded by fools!"

The Prime Minister needed a device to help him through the troubles of the week. He has been accused of anger management issues. The press has him "bullying" staff. His Chancellor revealed that Downing Street had released the "forces of hell" on him, to discredit his forecast of the economic future. There have been suggestions the PM's language is more Nixon than Cicero.

"It's calm. I'm going to do, I can ****ing do calm, I'll go in with, I'll walk in with, I'll go straight **** in with **** Darling and we'll smile and ****ing chat. Get the ****ing ****cellor on the phone and tell the **** we'll walk in like together like we were, I don't know what's the word, I SAID WHAT'S THE ****ING WORD! Friends! Why do I have to know EVERY****ING round here? FRIENDS! We'll walk in like we were FRIENDS! Whatever his ****ing stupid Alistair name is we'll be FRIENDS in front of those dis****gusting Tory ****s and that toff-**** will say – I know very well what he'll say because thanks to you ****s it's ALL OVER THE MEDIA ****s!

"But I can handle it. I can deal with ****-Cameron. I'll be calm. I'll be still. I've got some grief I can do first and shut the House up. And then when he attacks I'll say, 'I'd rather be in my position defending my ****ing Chancellor than be him defending his ****-ant ****-money-****er.

"I can do all that. The world will see how calm I am. How at ease with myself I am. How considering and considerate I am. I will crush that Tory **** like a COCKROACH! Do you under****ingstand? like a ****ing COCKROACH!

"But then I need some thing else, something to finesse it. Some cream on the top of the – I want to show my HUMAN ****ing SIDE! My WARM side! My CARING side! My sensitivity to the LIVES and ****ing DEATHS of my ****ing VOTERS side! Some ****ing VICTIMS to APOLOGISE to!

"What about the Irish? **** yes, that **** Blair got there first. What about the Vietnamese, can't I apologise to them? Something closer to home? What about Catholics, have we apologised to them yet? What about the working class, they'd do wouldn't they?

"Well, WHO THEN! For ****'s sake! A smaller group? Children sent to Australia? CHILDREN? That's the single stupidest idea this year you ****ing little ****!"