Terence Blacker: Time to inject a bit of pizzazz into the Cabinet

Share
Related Topics

The people out there are angry, say the politicians. In a floundering attempt to play the sincerity card which has served them so well in the past, they turn their sheepish, plastic bag-claiming, moat-clearing, manure-collecting, property-flipping eyes to the camera, and bleat about the system and how voters are terribly, terribly angry.

It is not enough. Not nearly enough. The long-suffering people of this great land are more than angry. Our stomachs are churning with rage and frustration. As a nation, we have become like an infuriated football crowd. We are on our feet, our fingers stabbing the air, chanting "Off! Off! Off!", not just to one player on the political pitch but to every player in both teams – and the referee can take an early bath too.

A new spirit in politics is needed – one of clear-eyed courage, of iron commitment unsullied by sleaze and selfish-interest. The political world has let us down, producing generation after generation of dour, humourless mediocrities. It is time to look elsewhere for leadership, to scour the national scene for people who simply have too much integrity to become involved in dreary matters of policy, who realise the importance of trust, communication and image. The moment for a celebrity Cabinet has arrived.

With a government of all the talents, the nation will at last begin to have an idea who is running things. Put a Cruddas and Grayling together and few could tell the difference. Put Jonathan Ross beside Jeremy Clarkson and at least we will know where we are.

Here, at last, is a cure for our anger. As Prime Minister, Joanna "Absolutely Fabulous" Lumley will provide the tough leadership, and the stylish high heels, that we have been lacking for years. At her side, replacing that dull dog Alistair Darling, will be the actor and gay icon John Barrowman. Anyone who has seen the Torchwood star on the chat-show circuit will know he has the charm to reveal the most risqué stories from his private life, and still remain a favourite with all the family. With his pearly smile, trim figure and ready wit, Chancellor Barrowman will give anyone's downturn a bit of a lift.

The Miliband brothers have brought a whiff of the family, of cornflakes in the kitchen, into politics, something it would be a shame to lose. Their most obvious replacement would have to be the Cheeky Girls, twin sisters whose hit "The Cheeky Song (Touch My Bum)" won them both a place in the nation's hearts, and one of them a place in the fun-loving Liberal MP Lembit Opik's bed. The Miss Cheeky who almost became Mrs Opik is clearly brave enough to take on the Foreign Office while her twin sister, who has done some global warming in her time, could tackle energy and climate change.

The rest of the Cabinet virtually selects itself. With Jacqui Smith spending more time with her husband and his videos, an obvious choice for Home Secretary would be Margaret, the grey-haired dominatrix type who sits at Sir Alan Sugar's right hand in The Apprentice.

There must, of course, be a place for Britain's favourite real person, the middle-aged singer from Britain's Got Talent, Susan "The Hairy Angel" Boyle. No one, after all, is more likely to be trusted by the public. A Cabinet enforcer to replace Lord Mandelson? It would have to be the Chelsea footballer Didier "Mad Dog" Drogba. It is time to clean up politics and give the British people what it really wants – a government of genuine, gleaming celebrities.

The touch of anxiety that unites Cher and Amis

It seems that that age-old problem of the mid-life crisis is tending to strike later these days. At a comeback concert in Las Vegas, the singer Cher startled her audience by revealing an eye-watering amount of her 62-year-old figure by reprising a see-through stage costume she last wore 17 years ago.

Over here, Martin Amis, who is a couple of years younger than Cher, has been explaining that the central character in what is said to be a heavily autobiographical forthcoming novel experienced a sexual trauma at the age of 20 which was so profound that it took him two decades to recover.

The story has sent London's literary journalists into a spin. What could it be, this Amisian sexual trauma? Could it have involved either Tina Brown or Emma Soames, both former girlfriends and now eminent women of letters?

Neither Cher nor Amis seem to be entirely comfortable at the prospect of approaching age. "In my job, becoming old and becoming extinct are one and the same thing," Cher has said. Amis is even gloomier. One reaches a stage in life, he says, when every visit to the mirror confronts you with "something unprecedentedly awful".

Let's hear it for fearless Feargal

A small glimmer of common sense has issued from the Culture, Media and Sport select committee of the House of Commons. After a long and dogged campaign by Feargal Sharkey and others, MPs have acknowledged that two musicians playing acoustically in a bar are not such a threat to public order that a licence should be required, as has been the case since a new law was passed in 2005. Music is not dangerous, the committee has discovered. The way for young musicians to progress is by playing in public. By doing so, they bring value and pleasure to communities.

At last, the penny has dropped. It is time for the Government to abandon its idiotic campaign against live music and to revise this legislation.

React Now

  • Get to the point
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Sheridan Maine: Accounts Assistant

£25,000 - £30,000: Sheridan Maine: Are you looking for a fantastic opportunity...

Neil Pavier: Commercial Analyst

£50,000 - £55,000: Neil Pavier: Are you a professionally qualified commercial ...

Loren Hughes: Financial Accountant

£45,000 - £55,000: Loren Hughes: Are you looking for a new opportunity that wi...

Ashdown Group: IT Support Engineer - Professional Services Firm - Oxford

£21000 - £24000 per annum + 21 days holidays: Ashdown Group: Technical Support...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

I might be an MP, but that doesn't stop me fighting sexism with my breasts

Björt Ólafsdóttir
 

Daily catch-up: opening round in the election contest of the YouTube videos

John Rentoul
No postcode? No vote

Floating voters

How living on a houseboat meant I didn't officially 'exist'
Louis Theroux's affable Englishman routine begins to wear thin

By Reason of Insanity

Louis Theroux's affable Englishman routine begins to wear thin
Power dressing is back – but no shoulderpads!

Power dressing is back

But banish all thoughts of Eighties shoulderpads
Spanish stone-age cave paintings 'under threat' after being re-opened to the public

Spanish stone-age cave paintings in Altamira 'under threat'

Caves were re-opened to the public
'I was the bookies’ favourite to be first to leave the Cabinet'

Vince Cable interview

'I was the bookies’ favourite to be first to leave the Cabinet'
Election 2015: How many of the Government's coalition agreement promises have been kept?

Promises, promises

But how many coalition agreement pledges have been kept?
The Gaza fisherman who built his own reef - and was shot dead there by an Israeli gunboat

The death of a Gaza fisherman

He built his own reef, and was fatally shot there by an Israeli gunboat
Saudi Arabia's airstrikes in Yemen are fuelling the Gulf's fire

Saudi airstrikes are fuelling the Gulf's fire

Arab intervention in Yemen risks entrenching Sunni-Shia divide and handing a victory to Isis, says Patrick Cockburn
Zayn Malik's departure from One Direction shows the perils of fame in the age of social media

The only direction Zayn could go

We wince at the anguish of One Direction's fans, but Malik's departure shows the perils of fame in the age of social media
Young Magician of the Year 2015: Meet the schoolgirl from Newcastle who has her heart set on being the competition's first female winner

Spells like teen spirit

A 16-year-old from Newcastle has set her heart on being the first female to win Young Magician of the Year. Jonathan Owen meets her
Jonathan Anderson: If fashion is a cycle, this young man knows just how to ride it

If fashion is a cycle, this young man knows just how to ride it

British designer Jonathan Anderson is putting his stamp on venerable house Loewe
Number plates scheme could provide a licence to offend in the land of the free

Licence to offend in the land of the free

Cash-strapped states have hit on a way of making money out of drivers that may be in collision with the First Amendment, says Rupert Cornwell
From farm to fork: Meet the Cornish fishermen, vegetable-growers and butchers causing a stir in London's top restaurants

From farm to fork in Cornwall

One man is bringing together Cornwall's most accomplished growers, fishermen and butchers with London's best chefs to put the finest, freshest produce on the plates of some of the country’s best restaurants
Robert Parker interview: The world's top wine critic on tasting 10,000 bottles a year, absurd drinking notes and New World wannabes

Robert Parker interview

The world's top wine critic on tasting 10,000 bottles a year, absurd drinking notes and New World wannabes
Don't believe the stereotype - or should you?

Don't believe the stereotype - or should you?

We exaggerate regional traits and turn them into jokes - and those on the receiving end are in on it too, says DJ Taylor