The Third Leader: Rising to the challenge

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The Independent Online

Here is the full text of The Third Leader Department's response to the Chancellor's Budget speech: "We welcome the Chancellor's Budget. It is a challenging Budget. We here in this department will rise enthusiastically to that challenge, and, in particular, will seek to avoid last year's breach of the golden rule caused by over-reliance on what proved to be unfortunate investment advice in relation to the Aintree spring meeting and an avoidable overspend on the annual outing to Broadstairs resulting primarily from a volatile market in the consumption of brown ale at the rear of the coach.

We will seek prosperity through enterprise based on maximising the adoption of the path-breaking measures announced by the Chancellor. To this end, we have undertaken an immediate audit of department resources, with results that have been highly encouraging.

While it is true that the continuing hiccups in establishing the vital link between the switch mechanism and energy supply argue against the identification of any potential science teachers, three operatives have applied to be community support officers.

Another four are now in full training for the 2012 Olympics, and should attract some of the anticipated private sponsorship, if they can get there before Lord Levy. And even if we are not successful, this should prove highly beneficial in getting to the bus ahead of the large number of pensioners who will be embarking on determined free transit around the country.

Increased bus usage will be a prime component of our policy, necessitated by the abandonment of the departmental Mitsucedes Mudfreelander SW6, which will now be fully insulated, utilising the attractive government grants to be made available, and converted with a view to selling it on as a shared-equity starter home.

The Chancellor should be commended. It is up to us all to work tirelessly for a vigilant, benchmarked, renewable, refocused, targeted, microgenerated future. We now turn to the champagne."

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