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What's a Beckham to do after football

Tales from the Water Cooler

The gentleman who makes every woman's panties pant, David "Adidas" Beckham, has announced that today's MLS cup final will be his last match for the Los Angeles Toblerones. No more will the waxed winger spend his Saturday afternoons screaming at his teammates (all of whom are called Chad Fontaine) to stop picking up the ball and running around with it and instead maybe try kicking it with their feet.

But rather than quit the game altogether, the Leystonstone hottie says he wants one last challenge before he gets someone to lace up his boots for him for the last time. As TFTWC went to press, favourites to acquire the services of the grandiosely-inked squillionaire are French side Monaco. "I've always wanted to play in Germany," said Dave, so it would seem to be a perfect fit, although one can't imagine that such a place would hold much appeal for his wife, Victoria.

However, as he throws his lollipops and Play-Doh into his Ben 10 suitcase, Beckham should perhaps give some thought to what he is going to do once his feet are no longer fleet. We hear there is an offer on the table from Swedish TV for him to appear in a future murder mystery series about an ageing footballer-turned-detective who stands on cliffs, sighing. Even if no-one is watching Scandinavian crime dramas by then, at least it will provide a use for Dave's many woollen hats. Plus, it's all subtitled, so no fears of doing a Joey Barton.