A simple step-by-step guide for Theresa May to nail that conference speech – it's really not rocket science

Firstly, resist the temptation to make Corbyn out to be a terrorist – people don’t know the difference between Hamas and Hezbollah (or even Hamas and hummus, for that matter) so focus on how great you are at the economy instead

Show us the 'real' warm and funny private Theresa May they tell us about (EPA)

They say the average party leader’s conference speech goes through 179 redrafts, or something. I’ve no doubt Theresa May’s team is working hard on polishing next week’s keynote text right now, perfecting the zingers, inventing eye-catching initiatives and, of course, nailing down the key conference messages (metaphorically and literally, given last year’s mishaps).

Team May hardly needs any further unsolicited advice. But still, I thought I’d sneak in with a few thoughts – in the national interest, of course. Although in my interest too – I’ll admit that I don’t feel as though I can afford a Labour government, and, come to think of it, neither can the country. (That wouldn’t be a bad slogan.)

Anyway, here’s what you do: start with a gag. Something that reveals the “real” warm and funny private Theresa May they tell us about – but which rarely emerges from the icy carapace. Something self-aware, self-deprecatory, a mark of a woman at ease with herself, as relaxed as Jeremy Corbyn is these days. Maybe a quick riff about the potential of artificial intelligence and asking aloud if we will ever see a robot in No 10? You may even make an ironic remark about your own party conference app may not be inspiring confidence in your ability to sort the Irish border problem with hi-tech software, let alone to lecture Facebook. Then again, maybe not.

Or some homely lines about going on Strictly, but not choosing Bozza for help with the choreography. Remember when Tony Blair cracked the ice with a joke about not having to be worried about Cherie running off with the next door neighbour, Gordon? Broke the tension, as all the best jokes do. And right now the Tories are tenser than Tommy Robinson at a Black Lives Matter protest.

That done, you can remind jaded activists and confused voters about your achievements: record employment, revived growth, low inflation, wages picking up, debt paid down and investment in the NHS. Acknowledge problems in care and housing. Explain and remind your audience why austerity was necessary – the financial crisis. Don’t just blame Labour in some pathetic partisan way but, a decade on from when RBS went bust, thank Brown and Mervyn King for doing what was needed, and stress it was a global crisis, even if Labour was racking up spending and debt too fast.

You and Cameron before you have had to take tough decisions: the alternatives were far worse. If you like, thank the Lib Dems for the coalition, though that really would testing your audience.

Then take aim at Labour. Don’t bother with Corbyn personally. The voters think he’s a well intentioned fool; reinforce that, but resist the temptation to make him out to be a terrorist. Besides, people don’t know the difference between Hamas and Hezbollah, or even Hamas and hummus, so drop all that stuff. Say Labour have good, honourable intentions but can’t deliver them. Actually, you share their compassion. Talk about your personal political work, why you are in public life – duty and service.

But you only achieve anything by managing the economy effectively. You can have all the workers’ rights you like and set the minimum wage as high as you feel fair, but it is futile in a country that is not creating jobs.

Then try to explain the reality of nationalisation and the loss of what little choice there is, and ask why hard-pressed taxpayers should subsidise trains for rich commuters in the south east? British Rail was awful. Someone has to pay to make water, postal and rail services work. If you want lower prices and higher wages in the state sector generally, then the bill comes back to taxpayers. Higher taxes mean lower growth and fewer jobs.

Then explain what repealing all the trade union laws would do. How the closed shop system would mean you’d lose your job if you refused to go on strike or join a union. How there would be no limits on secondary action, mass pickets and union blackmail. How it would destroy businesses, investment and jobs, and drive up inflation.

Cost Labour’s extravagant policies. See what their plans would do to taxes and borrowing, for higher interest rates and inflation. Why companies asked to hand over 10 per cent of their value will just evade it or move headquarters and operations somewhere else.

Tell the country you won’t take risks with people’s lives by risking the economy. Be someone who is brave and tough enough to tell the country it cannot spend more than it earns. Start to regain your lost asset of strong leadership.

More than ever – because of Brexit – success means building an internationally competitive business-friendly economy. That way we can afford to improve schools and hospitals: the New Labour playbook.

Last: Brexit. Short and sweet. Tell Labour there ain’t gonna be no election. Remind Corbyn that we had one last year, and, well, he lost. You’ve better things to do. Ridicule Labour’s own Brexit divisions. Stick to the Chequers plan, and warn of tough times ahead. No nonsense about Global Britain: Liam Fox is not Francis Drake.

After you’ve slagged off the Russians and apologised again with due respect for Grenfell and Windrush, with some actual achievements presented, and accepted the buck stops with you, you’ll have done your best to put some heart into your bewildered party.

In truth, Corbyn’s Labour is not hard to beat. You don’t need big ideas or rafts of new policies, though they’d help. Your weapons in the political hand-to-hand fighting to come are raw arguments, and your job is to lead on those.

Parties lose elections, as the Tories did in 2017 and Labour in 2010 and 2015 when they forget how to “do” politics. You need to win the argument. Put key messages in a nutshell. Simple. No need to panic. No need for Boris.