Here is some of the intriguing testimony, given when Webster himself was on the stand.
Counsel: Your name is Drew Webster?
Webster: That is my name on Earth, yes.
Counsel: You have another name elsewhere?
Counsel: Would you care to enlighten the court as to what it is?
Webster: Yes. On Mars I am known as Zick-Zack.
Counsel: Are you, indeed? Uncommon sort of name, isn't it?
Webster: Not on Mars.
Counsel: And why are you not called Drew Webster on Mars as you are here?
Webster: It is a difficult name for them to pronounce. They have trouble with Rs and Ws.
Counsel: Do they indeed? So what sort of names do they have on Mars, Mr Webster?
Webster: Mig-Mog, Tank-Top, Lib-Lab, Dim-Sum, Tick-Tock, Flip-Flop ...
Counsel: All double-barrelled names, are they, Mr Webster?
Webster: The ordinary people have double-barrelled names on Mars. Only the posh ones have single names.
Counsel: I see. Now, before we come to the subject of your alibi, perhaps you could tell the court what it is you do for a living?
Webster: Certainly. I am a Hugh Grant look-alike.
Judge: May I interrupt here for a moment? You may think me very out of touch, Mr Webster, but who is Hugh Grant and what exactly is a Hugh Grant look-alike?
Webster: Hugh Grant is a film star, M'lud. It would be very expensive to hire him for personal appearances. Luckily, I look a lot like him, so people hire me instead.
Judge: And when you turn up, do people think you are Hugh Grant?
Webster: No, M'lud.
Judge: Good. Because we might have you up for false pretences if they did.
Webster: When someone looking like Hugh Grant turns up to open a laundromat in Croydon, most people realise that it is not him. Film stars do not open laundromats in Croydon.
Judge: I see. Is there much money in this look-alike business?
Webster: While it lasts. Of course the risk is that I will stop looking like Hugh Grant.
Judge: Or that he will stop looking like you.
Webster: Indeed. By the way, M'lud, has anyone ever pointed out to you that you have a remarkable resemblance to the Duke of Edinburgh?
Judge: It has occasionally been suggested ...
Webster: Could be sitting on a gold mine, there, M'lud.
Judge: Could I? Hmmm ... Carry on, please.
Counsel: Now, Mr Webster, where were you on the afternoon of 17 July last year?
Webster: On Mars, sir.
Counsel: I see. And what were you doing on the planet Mars?
Webster: I was at a party.
Counsel: Oh - they have parties in the afternoon on Mars, do they?
Webster: No, sir. It wasn't afternoon on Mars. It was early evening. It was only afternoon in Croydon.
Counsel: May I ask if it was a good party, this party on Mars ?
Webster: All parties on Mars tend to be good.
Counsel: May I ask why?
Webster: Well, nobody has ever heard of Hugh Grant, for a start, so I don't get people coming up and asking me how Liz Hurley is, or how Divine is ...
Judge: How divine what is?
Counsel: My Lord, I don't think it would profit us to go too deeply into the matter of Miss Divine. It would not mean much to you.
Judge: You may well be right. The only Divine I ever met was a large cuddly Californian prostitute. Carry on!
Counsel: May I inquire how you got to Mars?
Webster: I was taken aboard a large spacecraft and whisked there.
Counsel: Quick journey to Mars, is it?
Webster: Travelling first-class, yes, sir.
Counsel: I see. And how many classes are there?
Webster: Eighty-six altogether. Mars is a very class-ridden society.
Judge: Very like the Duke of Edinburgh, you say?
Webster: I think so, M'lud.
Judge: Hmm ...Well, try this, then ... A maniac with a gun is no more dangerous than a maniac with a cricket bat! Recognise that?
Webster: The resemblance is breathtaking, M'lud.
Judge: Thank you. Carry on!
More of this disturbing trial tomorrow.Reuse content