Panic-stricken

Question: are there many countries where they queue in a panic? We think you may know the answer. A remarkable achievement, and a tribute to our ever-evolving national character. When in doubt, queue. Which, if you remember, was what the British did when the Princess of Wales died, down the Mall, endlessly, to sign commemoration books. Who knows? Before long, there may even be queues of people all the way down Whitehall, waiting to overthrow the Government.

Question: are there many countries where they queue in a panic? We think you may know the answer. A remarkable achievement, and a tribute to our ever-evolving national character. When in doubt, queue. Which, if you remember, was what the British did when the Princess of Wales died, down the Mall, endlessly, to sign commemoration books. Who knows? Before long, there may even be queues of people all the way down Whitehall, waiting to overthrow the Government.

Clearly, you cannot stop the British queuing; what we need to do is to channel this ancient and implacable urge into more useful areas than petrol forecourts. Perhaps we could have a sponsored queue from Jarrow to London to raise money for suffering hauliers. Sorry? Something rather like that is already planned?

Very well, then, couldn't we form a large queue with buckets? One all along the south coast would certainly bolster the sea defences, too. Oh, and by the way, have you heard the rumour that The Independent will be offering vouchers for free candles and Balaclava helmets on Monday? Better get to the newsagents early, though.