Gentlemen's excuse-me at the 'Daily Congenial' If one green bucket should accidentally fall

The Agreeable World of Wallace Arnold

THESE have been exciting days at Congenial Newspapers Inc, the British print arm of the international multimedia, oil and confectionery conglomerate presided over by my old friend and quaffing partner Mr Sox Askew.

I have the greatest respect for Sox, or Socrates as he was christened by his Mother, an intellectual, in memory of the great Canadian theologian and award-winning arm-wrestler the Rev Socrates Smith. For a time, Socrates' Christian name was affectionately foreshortened to "Rats" by his contemporaries, but after two of his closest friends were tragically hit by falling typewriters this was soon altered to "Sox", the name by which he has become known, with even greater displays of affection, to this day.

Sox has always been a Conservative, and his newspapers reflect his instinctive belief in loyalty and free speech. From early on in his proprietorship of the Sunday and Daily Congenial, Sox made his attachment to this credo quite clear. "And if anyone disagrees, I'll fire him," he explained.

The excitement began a month ago. The then editor of the Daily Congenial had just finished an editorial attacking dissent within the Tory Party ("This squalid brouhaha ... the spectacle of one Conservative MP falling out with another is now the rule rather than the exception ... distasteful in the extreme") when he spotted a tell-tale string leading from the desk of his Deputy to a bucket of pea-green emulsion planted on the top of his own office door.

Having called in his Deputy for cross-questioning under UN conditions, resulting in barely any bruising to the ribs and lower forearms, the Editor was alarmed to discover that Sox himself had been behind the ruse. The Editor resigned forthwith, later taking a well-paid position as Arts Editor on the prestige lifestyle publication Exchange and Mart. Meanwhile, his Deputy took the opportunity to alter the editorial ("This honest exchange of opinions ... democratic division in the Conservative Party is not only healthy but necessary ... laudable in the extreme") as well as ordering up a new desk in redwood, in honour of his political mentor.

All went swimmingly for at least half an hour. The Deputy Editor, now Acting Editor, was preparing a banner headline, "Daily's Circulation Soars After Editor's Long-Awaited Resignation", for the next day. Then Sox announced that he had decided to appoint TV weather girl Sally Buxom as Editor in his place, "to give the newspaper some much-needed ooomph, and to lend extra gravitas to our coverage of showbiz gossip".

The Deputy of the Daily departed in a fury, to take the job of Features Editor of the Sunday. The Features Editor of the Sunday then stormed out, to take the job of Political Editor of the Daily. But the Political Editor of the Daily was so incensed by this that he took the job of Fashion Editor of the Sunday. The Fashion Editor of the Sunday departed in a huff to become Literary Editor of the Daily, and the Literary Editor of the Daily exited in a huff to become the Literary Editor of the Sunday, who immediately departed to become Deputy of the Daily. But the sheer professionalism of the Congenial Newspaper Group overcame these hiccups. The next day's editorial on Bosnia in the Daily Congenial, for instance, was a model of its kind. "Primitive peoples should be prevented by older, more civilised nations from becoming embroiled in crude territorial disputes," it read. "Order, restraint and common civility are the linchpins for any society." By now, activity within the Group was coming to a head. The new Editor of the Sunday, who had, until that morning, been a motorbike messenger but now found himself in the right place at the right time, suddenly saw fit to print a bitter attack by a senior political columnist deploring "the fat bottom", "come-to-bed eyes", "laddered stockings" and "lopsided gait" of the new Editor of the Daily, who in turn leaked a memo to the press in which the new Deputy of the Sunday deplored their news coverage as "perilously short on fibs" and went on to call for "more knee-capping and the occasional mass-murder".

Needless to say, Sox is delighted by all the attention his Congenial Newspapers Inc is attracting. "Never before has our group message of a society ruled by old-fashioned decency attracted such coverage," he enthused to me over a glass of halfway-decent port, "And it's high time this darned government took heed."