Here's Supertrial: bigger than the Gulf war

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It's the biggest sporting event in the American calendar! It's the thing that millions of grown men and women stay up all night in Britain to watch! It's the most exciting thing to happen since America last invaded anywhere! It's coming to your sc reens any moment now! And it's called Supertrial! The game we're talking about is American Law, probably the most dangerous and expensive sport in the world! The event is probably the premier sporting occasion in the American Law calendar! Because it's finallySupertrial time again! Yes, the great trial of strength devised by OJ Simpson, the all-time great American football player, is about to hit our television sets again, with such legendary teams as the California Lawyers, the East Coast Anchormen, the Police Witnesses, the Recal citrant Jurors and the Experts For A Day fighting to get through to the final and carry off the trophy - and the millions in prize money that go with it! Which one of these mighty teams will bring their legal season to a successful climax?

Will the world-famous California Lawyers be able to employ their fabled blocking tactics and prevent any points being scored at all?

Will the West Coast Judges fulfil their promise at last, and go so fast that nobody can keep up with them - or adjourn so often that nobody can keep back with them?

Will the Police Witnesses have recourse to the amazing memory losses that have always made them so hard to play against, or indeed the sudden bursts of physical activity which make it very hard for those involved ever to walk properly again ?

Or, at the end of the day, will it turn out that the modern game is just so complicated and sophisticated that nobody knows who has won - and Supertrial will have to be run all over again?

Who knows?

Who cares! That's the great thing about OJ Simpson's Supertrial - it's just so exciting that you don't care what happens, or if nothing happens at all! Already, before Supertrial begins, it's reckoned that more than 7 million hours of prime TV time have been devoted to the previews. That's longer than the whole of the Gulf war got on prime-time TV - and who, now, remembers who won the Gulf war?* The important thing is that you'll be able to watch the whole of the Supertrial final live on TV, play by play, ploy by ploy, plea by plea! See the California Lawyers jump to their feet and pretend to tackle each other ruthlessly! Watch the West Coast Judges intervene and pretend to calm things down as they threaten to get out of hand! Listen to the Pennsylvania Pundits patiently explain yet again just how exciting it is, even though to the outward untrained eye nothing seems to be happening at all.

And don't worry if you do have an outward untrained eye, or even two of them! Because our experts will be on hand the whole time to explain the intricacy of mysterious game ploys used in American Law.

Ploys such as ... l Declaring any evidence inadmissible which might lead to the incrimination of anyone! l Jumping up, shouting: "On a point of order, your honour" and turning to grin at the cameras! l Holding up a card to the cameras reading: "Hi! Do You Like The Way I'm Handling Things? Well, I Could Be Your Defence Lawyer Too! Just Call Me On This Number! l Watching that car chase all over again ... ! But one thing is for sure.

Once you get out the lager and the peanuts and start watching the Supertrial, you'll never be able to stop! Or do we mean, you'll never be able to stay awake?

Either way, you'll be glad you were there when it happened.

If anything did happen.

And don't forget to stick around for the traditional street rioting afterwards, as both sides celebrate their victory by looting each other's houses! Above all, just cool out, ease over and have a great Supertrial! *Saddam Hussein, the Iraqi champion, was the winner. His opponent, President Bush of the USA, was swept from power shortly afterwards.