I thought Bernard Manning was dead

Related Topics
I RECEIVED a message from the editor of this paper on Wednesday asking me to write something about Bernard Manning, which immediately cheered me up as I assumed Mr Manning must be dead. However, having scoured the papers I see that unfortunately he is still alive and sweating, and going on about niggers again in front of a black policeman. I am sorry that the policeman didn't arrest him for language liable to cause a breach of the peace. However, had he done so he would probably have been branded a spoilsport and hounded out of the police force.

I tend to think that these white supremacists like Terreblanche, the boneheads of the BNP and Bernard Manning are all so revoltingly ugly and unpleasant that they make the best possible advertisement for mixed marriages. Would you prefer your daughter to look like Naomi Campbell or Bernard Manning? If the Tories wish to win the next election they should use the slogan "If you want Bernard Manning as a neighbour, vote Labour".

DURING the election for the Labour leadership I was firmly behind John Prescott, who seemed to have all the fight, charisma, optimism, determination, and humour needed to give the Government a hammering. He was a fine example of True British Grit. A breath of fresh air in a world of grey suits. But the Labour Party in its wisdom chose a clone of John Major. Having seen Prescott on the news last week I haven't revised my opinion. He was as much fun as ever and has even got rid of his only bad point: that dreadful haircut. I was watching with my mother who is a caricature of Middle England and she cackled: "Oh I do like this chap; he's super." This made me more convinced than ever that Labour has made the wrong choice. But it is not too late. There is still time for Tony Blair to do the honourable thing and sleep with Edwina Currie.

A HEADLINE the other day said "Major's Ten Bills To Boost Morale". What a good idea. If the continual cutting back of public services has led to low public morale then simply pass a few feel-good Acts to force people to be happy. The nurses can be pacified by the Hospital Workers Ecstatic at Their Pay Increases Act. The Chirpiness of Children (Schools) Act could require schoolchildren to jump for joy every time water from leaking roofs drips on to their exercise books. Once the General Well-being and Universal Happiness Act is on the statute book it will be time for the Foreign Secretary to introduce his Spanish Fishermen (Friendly Feelings) Proposals. The Home Secretary will be able to score lots of points at the party conference by winning back the disillusioned professional classes with his Prevention of Glumness and Despondency (Middle Classes) Act. Also requiring attention is the fact that people's living-rooms are too small. I discovered this when I read that "more than 7 million people will cram into their living- rooms to watch the Oscar awards ceremony". If people cannot watch television without their living-rooms being crammed this could be put right by a Private Living-rooms (Illusions of Space) Order issued under the catch- all provisions of the Public Malaise (Removal) Act. Watch out Blair, this is an election winner.

MY FRIEND Danny came out of his home yesterday morning and smelt a gas leak, so his wife rang the gas board, which is supposed to zoom out on such occasions. But they didn't turn up. Then on the news there was an item about lots of people reporting emergency leaks but the gas board telling them it was the smell of farm slurry from Holland. This seems a good way for British Gas to save money to shovel at its chairman. I can imagine the conversation: "Hello, I've rung up to report a nasty smell of gas."

"Right, er, let me think now. Have you heard of Holland?"


"And do you know what farm slurry is?"

"Er, not really, no."

"Good. It's farm slurry from Holland you are smelling."

"But Holland isn't that close."

"Well, it's quite windy today. And it's blowing from a Hollandy direction, honest." A good wheeze.

React Now

iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

SEN Teacher, Permanent Role in Ashford

Competitive Salary: Randstad Education Group: Randstad urgently seeks a qualif...


£55000 - £65000 per annum + Benefits: Progressive Recruitment: SAP BI CONSULTA...

Infrastructure Manager - Southampton - Up to £45K

£35000 - £45000 per annum + 36 days holiday and more: Deerfoot IT Resources Li...

Drama Teacher

Negotiable: Randstad Education Liverpool: We are looking for someone who can t...

Day In a Page

Read Next

Spy chief speaks on the record: "Thank you, and that's it, really"

John Rentoul

The daily catch-up: fathers looking after children, World Cup questions and Nostradamus

John Rentoul
A History of the First World War in 100 Moments: Peace without magnanimity - the summit in a railway siding that ended the fighting

A History of the First World War in 100 Moments

Peace without magnanimity - the summit in a railway siding that ended the fighting
Scottish independence: How the Commonwealth Games could swing the vote

Scottish independence: How the Commonwealth Games could swing the vote

In the final part of our series, Chris Green arrives in Glasgow - a host city struggling to keep the politics out of its celebration of sport
Out in the cold: A writer spends a night on the streets and hears the stories of the homeless

A writer spends a night on the streets

Rough sleepers - the homeless, the destitute and the drunk - exist in every city. Will Nicoll meets those whose luck has run out
Striking new stations, high-speed links and (whisper it) better services - the UK's railways are entering a new golden age

UK's railways are entering a new golden age

New stations are opening across the country and our railways appear to be entering an era not seen in Britain since the early 1950s
Conchita Wurst becomes a 'bride' on the Paris catwalk - and proves there is life after Eurovision

Conchita becomes a 'bride' on Paris catwalk

Alexander Fury salutes the Eurovision Song Contest winner's latest triumph
Pétanque World Championship in Marseilles hit by

Pétanque 'world cup' hit by death threats

This year's most acrimonious sporting event took place in France, not Brazil. How did pétanque get so passionate?
Whelks are healthy, versatile and sustainable - so why did we stop eating them in the UK?

Why did we stop eating whelks?

Whelks were the Victorian equivalent of the donor kebab and our stocks are abundant. So why do we now export them all to the Far East?
10 best women's sunglasses

In the shade: 10 best women's sunglasses

From luxury bespoke eyewear to fun festival sunnies, we round up the shades to be seen in this summer
Germany vs Argentina World Cup 2014: Lionel Messi? Javier Mascherano is key for Argentina...

World Cup final: Messi? Mascherano is key for Argentina...

No 10 is always centre of attention but Barça team-mate is just as crucial to finalists’ hopes
Siobhan-Marie O’Connor: Swimmer knows she needs Glasgow joy on road to Rio

Siobhan-Marie O’Connor: Swimmer needs Glasgow joy on road to Rio

18-year-old says this month’s Commonwealth Games are a key staging post in her career before time slips away
The true Gaza back-story that the Israelis aren’t telling this week

The true Gaza back-story that the Israelis aren’t telling this week

A future Palestine state will have no borders and be an enclave within Israel, surrounded on all sides by Israeli-held territory, says Robert Fisk
A History of the First World War in 100 Moments: The German people demand an end to the fighting

A History of the First World War in 100 Moments

The German people demand an end to the fighting
New play by Oscar Wilde's grandson reveals what the Irish wit said at his trials

New play reveals what Oscar Wilde said at trials

For a century, what Wilde actually said at his trials was a mystery. But the recent discovery of shorthand notes changed that. Now his grandson Merlin Holland has turned them into a play
Can scientists save the world's sea life from

Can scientists save our sea life?

By the end of the century, the only living things left in our oceans could be plankton and jellyfish. Alex Renton meets the scientists who are trying to turn the tide
Richard III, Trafalgar Studios, review: Martin Freeman gives highly intelligent performance

Richard III review

Martin Freeman’s psychotic monarch is big on mockery but wanting in malice