IrnBru beat PVC Anorak on bar bills...

Well, it was another night of mixed fortunes for British football in Europe last night (writes our soccer pundit, Rene McGrit, safely back in his office at HQ) as some teams went marching through with their heads held high, some went creeping back with their tails between their legs and some are still stuck in an airport somewhere in Eastern Europe.

But perhaps unluckiest of all are the Midland maestros, M1 Wanderers, who came up against the Monaco champions, Sporting Casino, at their most tenacious. Let manager Dave Jimson tell the tale.

"Frankly, Rene, Sporting matched everything we could throw at them. We came out fighting in the first half. They came out fighting in the first half. We set off on some mazy runs. So they set off on some mazy runs. Then we really created some good chances, so they really created some good chances, but we couldn't put our chances away and they couldn't put their chances away either, so when it came to half time I gave our lads a good ear-roasting, but I think their manager must have given his lads a good ear-roasting too, because they came out after the interval willing to give it all they had got, but luckily our lads were willing to give it all they'd got, after which they turned the heat on a bit, and played the possession game, so we turned the heat on a bit and played the possession game...."

Suffice it to say that at the end of extra time it was still 0-0 and it went to penalties. Dave Jimson takes up the story again.

"Yeah, well, our first lad stepped up and stroked it past their keeper, so then their first lad stepped up and stroked it past our keeper, so then our second lad stepped up and blasted it home from the spot wide of their goalie's desperately outstretched fingers, at which point their second penalty-taker stepped up and blasted it home from the spot wide of our goalie's desperately outstretched fingers, at which point...."

Yes, yes, but what was the result, for God's sake?

"Well, all the penalty takers got their goals, so then it went down to the spin of a coin, only, this being Monaco, local rules say that you have to use a roulette wheel and, if my rudimentary French is accurate, we not only lost the spin and the game but went down pounds 500,000 on red."

Goodbye to M1 Wanderers then. And an ignominious exit from the Cup Winners Cup last night for Isle of Man Cup holders, plucky little Douglas Fairbanks United, who have won the Isle of Man Cup every year since 1956 but only occasionally enter the Cup Winners Cup on the wild island card entry. They were unlucky enough to meet a Vatican Cardinals XI on top form and even more unlucky to have two men sent off for making unwise remarks about Scottish Catholic Bishops. The 6-3 scoreline more or less reflects the difference between the two sides, ie, one side scored six goals and one only scored three.

Better luck, though, for the crack Scottish team IrnBru United who drew with the Norwegian team PVC Anorak on aggregate but got through on the away bar bills ruling. "Aye, whit a night!" said manager Kenny McKenny. "Whit a night! Ah cannae remember a thing! Whit a night it must have been!" Also on a winning streak were the Irish team Roverdance United, who came out 5-2 winners against Danish amateurs Ole Membrane. Here's Jim Dobson with the details.

"Well, Rene, I think you've got that a bit wrong there, because Ole Membrane is in fact Roverdance's new Danish left back, and they were in fact playing the crack Turkish Second Division team Kurds Park Rangers in an enthralling contest which swayed first one way and then, hold on, I've got my notes somewhere, and then swayed, hold on...."

We'll get back to Jim Dobson as soon as he's got his notes sorted out. Meanwhile the sparkling Cumbrian side Melvyn Bragg Casuals were in action last night against Umberto Eco's Structuralists, and here is one of the exciting moments from last night's encounter.

"So, if I've got that right, and I speak only as a recent convert to science, this may explain how tomatoes can double in size in one generation, but it doesn't really explain how Mozart wrote his greatest works, does it? So there may be a god after all? Yes, Alison, do you want to come in?"

Yes, well, perhaps not one of the most exciting moments, but fairly typical, I think.

Other results in brief:

EUROPEAN SAME NAME CUP Keele 1 Kiel 1

Bury 1 Berry 1

Barry Town 1 Bari Town 1 (Bari through on fewer letters rule)

EUROPEAN RHYMING CUP

Yeovil 2 Deauville 2