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A guide for potential immigrants to the worst parts of UK culture

Sourpuss MPs concerned by a possible flood of Romanian and Bulgarian immigrants in 2014 are considering a negative ad campaign to put citizens in the East European countries off a move to Britain. They hope to divert would-be migrants to other European countries, or convince them to stay at home, and don't mind airing the UK's dirty laundry in the process. Travel? Terrible. Sun? No sir. Jobs? Not here. But their list of stains on the national reputation is far from exhaustive, so we've thought up a few more.

Food: Unless you can afford the whopping bills that come with a night at the Fat Duck (and if you're an economic migrant, you probably can't) then Tesco's Value burgers might be a staple part of the diet. And they're made out of horse.

Surveillance: The UK has 1.85m CCTV cameras watching its citizens, more than double the number in China. It's difficult to disappear, still harder to shake a sense of China's moral superiority in matters of state intervention...

Manners: As one Yahoo reviewer put it: "the British in general have a reputation for being unruly, rude, drunken, fat, and very moody." Obviously, these are all interconnected, and most of us tick all the above at once. Unruliness in particular is rife.

Style: The Americans can lay claim to the fanny-pack, but pretty much any other fashion crime has its roots somewhere on these isles. If you see someone wearing socks with sandals, weatherproof trousers and an oversized fleece, be aware that person is the embodiment of British style - the spirit of Britain incarnate.

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