A guide to life without an internet connection

 

British people would rather go cold and dirty than lose connection to the internet, a new study suggests.

Almost 40 per cent of people think their stress levels would be higher if their internet connection broke than if they lost heating and water.

The study, commissioned by Infosecurity Europe, surveyed 1,000 London commuters and raises concern for the cleanliness and broader "alrightness" of this demographic.

In response the IV Drip has prepared a short guide to activities that can be happily pursued without a broadband connection:

1. Create a real Facebook

Gather together all the print-out photographs you have of your friendship circle. Cut out suitable "profile" pictures for each friend. Stick in a paper book, noting each friend's birthday. Spend overmuch time looking at the one you secretly fancy. 'Poke' that image.

2. Read a book

This requires mental flexibility. Consider 'the book' as a series of tweets, or a series of twitlongers, stuck together into a continuous timeline. Inch forward through this extra-long tweet over a period of hours. Try and stay the course as boredom strikes. (NB: You cannot retweet lines that sound intelligent).

3. Try on clothes from your own wardrobe

Online browsing has natural advantages, but you can achieve much the same "zoom" and "rotate" effects when viewing clothing in your wardrobe by taking the item you desire in your hand, bringing it closer to your eye, then slowly rotating for a better view. Instead of "imagining" yourself into the clothes, simply put your arms and legs through the appropriate holes.

4. Research a project

Google Books has not yet managed to scan every book ever printed, so chances are there is information that could help your research just lying in one of your books. Yes, you have books (see 2). Unfortunately there is no 'search' function for analogue libraries; be patient and trust your luck. Remember, Harry Potter can be quoted anywhere.

5. Go for a bath

The general unsuitability of using electrical equipment while lying in a pool of hot water is no longer a problem as you don't have an internet connection and so can leave your computer behind. Be sure to wash behind the ears; the internet may soon be fixed and you might not be back in here for a while...

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