Five ways to avoid the Royal baby


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The Independent Online

The flock of royal correspondents who spent the best part of a fortnight outside St Mary's Hospital may have left their hard-earned spots of pavement behind, but in many parts of the country - and many media outlets - the quest for more, more, more baby news continues. What will the prince be called? Has it really got more hair than Wills? Is Kate already pumping iron to lose that disfiguring baby bump? If the sum total of coo-ing and clucking is driving you wild - here's five ways to turn the volume all the way down.

1. Republican-ise your web browser

Google Chrome app filters mentions of the royal baby out of online search results and replaces them with pictures of tea and kittens. (Though, to be honest, the Internet probably isn't the best place to play right now if royal babies aren't your kind of thing. Try a book? Classical Humanism and Republicanism in English Political Thought, maybe?).


2. Locate a country not interested in the succession of the British royal line

Despite the claims of feverish commentators that what happened in Kate Middleton's womb on Monday afternoon "gripped" the world, a map of Tweets concerning the royal baby shows that huge swathes of planet earth got on with whatever it was they were doing without paying the slightest bit of notice (or perhaps simply don't have Twitter).

Chad, Sudan and Mongolia split the gong for least bothered member of the international fraternity. Wasn't it about time for that summer break?


3. Turn off the BBC

Part of the fun over these past few weeks has centred on how much coverage media organisations should give to a story Private Eye aptly summed up with the headline 'Woman Has Baby'.

Today's Daily Mail, having slogged through twenty-plus pages of baby coverage, has a pop at the BBC for their hangdog royalism, asking "Was the BBC over the top?". Pot, kettle, black - yada yada yada. (The wonderful Vine post from Jules Mattson, below, does all sneering necessary).



4. Mute search terms on your Twitter feed

Option one: unfollow anyone paying lip service to the currently-rather-cute but inevitably-rather-oppressive future King. Option two: Download Tweetdeck (it's good, scouts honour) and fiddle with the settings to mute any word that might, should it be pinged one more time at your eyeballs, lead to a full-scale Republican meltdown - "royal", "kate" and "baby" are the obvious places to start.


5. Finally, self-servingly, you could have a look through our Independent non-Royal coverage

Mary Dejevsky busts the myth that Britain keeps itself clean of corruption

Patrick Strudwick points out the real absurdity in the Weiner sexting scandal

Robert Fisk reports as only he can on the increasing cheapness of life in Egpyt


That's your lot. Feeling any better?