The Brit Awards used to be exciting. For one of the pop-iest events in the music calendar, they were even a bit rock 'n' roll. No one young enough to fit the Brit's target audience will remember this, of course - there's a reason why they hold the ceremony during half term - and that's the saddest thing of all. They don't even know what they're missing.
Remember when Jarvis Cocker pricked the pomposity of Michael Jackson's personal God delusion by flouncing on stage during Jacko's performance of 'Earth Song' and mooning? That was good. Remember when Geri Haliwell wore that union jack dress and flashed her knickers to the entire nation? That was good too But enough reminiscing. Those days are over. 2013 was the most boring Brits ever and here are five reasons why:
1. Emeli Sande was there
Lovely girl, probably, but the most interesting thing about her is her haircut and even on that front, Pat Butcher beat her to it by twenty years at least.
2. Mumford and Sons was there
Says it all.
3. Chris Martin wasn't there
Even The Most Boring Man in Rock (TM) decided he'd be washing his hair. In his stead he sent two men - who may or may not be in Coldplay, such was the indistinguishable nature of their faces - to pick up the award for Best Live Act.
4. One Direction was reportedly banned from booze
Whichever goodie-two-shoes record exec came up with this little diktat deserves the scorn of the nation. How is Harry Styles supposed to humiliate himself in front of ex Taylor Swift, if he's stone-cold sober? Extra dull points for reportedly replacing the booze on the rider with...wait for it...peppermint tea.
5. James Corden was presenting
Again, nice guy, probably, but really? Is this man at the cutting edge of British comedy?