The Agreeable World of Wallace Arnold; John and Yoko spelled the end for gentlemen of bottom

WHITHER Della Bovey? I am a serious man, un homme serieux, a man of bottom, and it is for this reason that for the past 40-odd years so many newspapers have fallen over backwards to hire me as their voice of common sense. But times change, and one must learn to change with them.

My very first newspaper column, in Beaverbrook's Sunday Express, back in 1955, was about a recent fluctuation of .05 per cent in the Gold Standard. Old Man Beaverbrook asked me to explain what it would mean for the average British housewife. The answer, I concluded after a 1,500-word survey of the world economy, was - nothing at all. The headline of the article was "Not Much To Worry About". As it was, I was proved right, and the world remained the same. Such was the imperturbable nature of British journalism in those far-off days.

When did I first notice a sea-change? I can pinpoint the moment to one afternoon in March, 1969. Earlier that day, I had been writing an editorial for the Evening Standard arguing that it was too early to say whether the election of Golda Meir as Prime Minister of Israel was a good thing or a bad thing. "For the time being," I concluded, "we shall have to wait and see." This was a conclusion I had oft employed before. The previous November, I had used it of the election of President Nixon, the Apollo 8 space mission, the effect of Fred Truman's retirement on the game of cricket and the student clashes with police in Prague. "For the time being, we shall have to wait and see" had become my trademark as a senior commentator, signifying moderation, caution, common sense and that indefinable virtue, bottom.

But later that day, I received a call that was to alter my career forever. "Wallace, dear boy, could you give us 1,000 words on the situation in Holland by six-thirty?" It was the then Editor of the Times, the Hon William Rees-Mogg.

"Of course!" I replied. "The situation in Holland? Still pretty flat, I imagine? Dykes, Rembrandt, tulips, cheese that sort of thing? For the time being, we shall have to wait and see, etcetera?"

"Have you not heard the news, Wallace?" replied William, a note of alarm in his voice. "It appears that Mr John Lennon and his lady wife, Miss Yoko Ono, have occupied the Presidential suite of the Hilton Hotel, Amsterdam, wherein they are performing a 'bed-in'."

"A 'BED-IN'!" I exclaimed.

"The very same," replied William. "I believe it's for and on behalf of world peace."

"And you want me to write about THAT!"

"I would be most grateful, Wallace, it you could rattle us off 1,000 words on a question of import arising from these ... matters. Frankly, I think you're just the fellow to tackle, 'Pyjamas or nightshirts? - the Great Debate'."

You can imagine how I felt as I slogged my way through the nightwear question. My conclusion was admirably statesmanlike: pyjamas for summer, nightshirts for winter, with the choice left to the individual in autumn and summer. But I knew then that learned commentary from gentlemen of bottom was now a thing of the past.

Over the past week, I was reflecting on these and related matters as I penned my third commentary on the rift between Miss Anthea Redfern and her boyfriend of 14 weeks, Mr Grant Bovey. Mr Bovey, 36, has, it appears, decided to return to his wife, Della, 34 - a turn of events that I urged six weeks ago in a hard-hitting editorial column for the Daily Telegraph headed "Love-Rat Grant Should Chuck TV's Anthea and Return to Homely Della".

Obviously, one draws on one's knowledge and experience to examine these cases from a variety of angles. For instance, in my piece for the Financial Times, "Futures in Anthea/Grant Relationship Hit Record Low", I looked at the break-up primarily from the investors point of view, attempting to determine whether companies in which Bovey and Redfern are involved would be hit hard by the bombshell. On the other hand, my thoughtful and considered piece for the Times offered a different perspective, suggesting a long-term arrangement whereby Mr and Mrs Bovey might consider patching up their marriage with a move to Peking, which now leads the world as the Number One city in the world for peace, reconciliation and outstanding broadcasting opportunities.

I return to the question with which I began. Whither Delia Bovey? Tune into my new-look Radio 4 phone-in, Call Wallace Arnold, to discuss this topical issue. The scheduled item, "Whither Northern Ireland?" will be broadcast at a later date, on Light Wave only, chaired by Mr Peter Powell.