The art of being dystopian

The English language changes so quickly that we should have regular updates on new words of the Nineties (such as "update", for example) and the new ways in which words are being used. In fact, why don't we have one right now?

(Note to readers: in protest against French nuclear tests in the Pacific, all French expressions are being excluded from this tour d'horizon. Honi soit qui mal y pense.)

Access: after centuries of tranquil existence as a noun, "access" has suddenly become a verb in the Nineties, along with other such harmless nouns as "source" and "fund". When you access something, you get into it. It means the same, but sounds smarter.

Agenda: when a politician insists on talking about one subject only, because he is ill-prepared to talk about anything else, he is said to be setting the agenda.

Art: the word "art" used to be used only of the arts. Now it is used of anything that can be taught, as in "The Art of Karate" or "The Art of Pasta-making". It can also be applied to things that can't be taught. as in "The Art of Management".

Biopic: term used of films that tell the story of famous people without using any known fact about them except their names.

Book: the word "anthology" is now thought by publishers to scare people off, so it has been replaced by the word "book", as in The Penguin Book of Interviews or The Oxford Book of Table Manners, etc.

Come out: a hairdresser or actor or game show host is said to have "come out" when he finally owns up to being irredeemably heterosexual.

Debate, National: the National Debate is the process whereby the Government tells the country exactly what it thinks about a certain topic, but doesn't listen to what the country has to say back.

Decommissioning: process whereby the IRA hands over its weapons but the British Army doesn't.

Dystopian: a briefly fashionable word, although it merely means the opposite of utopian, and is thus merely a replacement for yesterday's cult phrase, "worst scenario". Words beginning in "dys-" have become very popular in the Nineties ("dysfunctional" etc ). They are, in fact, merely the opposite of the same word beginning with "eu", so that whereas a euphemism is the use of a more polite word for something ("washroom" for "toilet"), a dysphemism is the use of a less polite word ("bog" for "toilet"). "Dyspepsia" and "eupepsia" are an example of another pair, and so are "euphoria" and "dysphoria". This means that utopia should really be spelt eutopia. It also means that readers can have fun introducing new words such as "eulexia" (the ability to get letters and numbers in the right order) and "dysphonium" (a large nasty brass instrument). Is "European" the opposite of "Dysropean"?

Economical: ever since someone said they were being economical with the truth, it has been thought funny to say "I am being economical with ...", although it is not in the least funny. Often it is totally meaningless, as when Alan Clark said he was being economical with the actualite. Why he should want to be economical with a French news bulletin has never been explained.

Exit: name given to entrance to a motorway.

Fayre: from time to time the heritage people coin new words that aren't new at all but just plastic innovations. Years ago there was an outbreak of places called "Ye Olde This" and "Ye Olde That", and people were persuaded that there really was an old word "Ye", whereas it was only ever another way of writing "The". The word for the Nineties is "fayre", which is the heritage way of spelling "fair', as in "Come to the Summer Fayre!". (The dystopian way of writing this would be "Come to Ye Summer Fayre!") Unfortunately, it is also the heritage way of spelling "fare" (meaning food, not travel money) so you get sandwich firms calling themselves "Traveller's Fayre" for absolutely no reason at all. Formulaic: very trendy adjective and indeed completely new word in the Nineties, as it had never existed before. It was coined as a back-formation from "formula" so that TV critics could use it to describe new programmes they didn't like and TV executives could use it to describe new sitcoms they did like. When a TV executive says a programme is formulaic, he means it has the setting of Darling Buds, the characters of Only Fools and Horses and the audience appeal of Men Behaving Badly or, of course, some other programmes entirely, which he is careful never to specify.

Rest of the alphabet tomorrow. A bientot!