Britain’s being flooded with 12 whole refugees – and the people fleeing oppressive regimes think they’re the ones in crisis?

It’s only fair that a series of measures are taken which point the blame for the problems this country has got itself into at the people truly responsible for it – like feckless lazy types who spend all day idly walking from Syria to Calais and floating to Dover on a wardrobe

There were more signs over Christmas of the benefits of taking back control of our borders. Europeans living here as British citizens will have to reapply to carry on living here and pay a fee of £65, which should raise enough money to buy some pedalos for the ferry company with no ferries that we’ve paid to bring us some essentials if there’s no deal with the EU.

Hopefully we’ll extend this scheme and introduce meters, like the ones used for parking, so Europeans have to put two quid into them every hour, then walk round with a sticky ticket on their chin so wardens know they’ve paid. If they forget to buy one, they can be given a fine, or in some areas towed away and crushed.

One man, a soldier, told the Metro that after 24 years in the military, he had to reapply for citizenship for his Slovakian wife and daughter, so “angry doesn’t begin to describe how I feel”.

This proves how effective the scheme is, because one of the main aims of Brexit was to protect our borders, and there’s no better way of ensuring that than by enraging people who’ve spent 24 years protecting our borders. This could prove highly efficient: as a member of the armed forces, he could be ordered to fire on anyone dangerously furious with our government, which means he’d have to shoot himself, and that saves getting someone else to do it.

To add to our renewed sense of wellbeing, the government released a video two days after Christmas, warning Europeans of the new rule that will see them deported if they don’t comply even if they’ve lived here for 40 years, with some delightfully cheery music playing underneath.

This is where regimes have gone wrong in the past. If the Third Reich had put out an announcement by video saying, “You are ordered to wear a yellow star” with Frank Sinatra singing “Fly me to the Moon” underneath, no one would have complained.

Maybe this is the first in a series, and next they’ll do one for refugees, saying, “If you’re swimming across the Channel after fleeing a warlord in Somalia, you will be sent back immediately, you sponging dog”, over a backing track of “Eye of the Tiger”. By the summer they’ll have made enough to put them all on a compilation CD called Now That’s What I Call Controlling our Borders.

But there was more, because Sajid Javid, the home secretary, made a special announcement that 12 refugees arriving at Dover over Christmas was a “crisis” for Britain. This shows what a vibrant, colourful language we have. You might think that if you described a group of people in the sea clinging to a raft they’d made out of empty Pringles boxes, the poor sods in the water might be the ones you’d say were in crisis. But it turns out the people in crisis are those who are safe and dry on the land, because how can a country our size cope with an extra 12 people?

This is why, when reporters turn up to a fire, they should stop dribbling on about the problems of the people trapped on the 19th floor. The ones we should really feel sorry for are the people living 20 miles away who aren’t on fire, because they’re the ones who will have to make a bit of extra space for these sponging bastards once they’re rescued.

Then it was revealed that British victims of forced marriages who are sent abroad but escape and seek help from the Foreign Office have to pay for their flights home, and have their passports confiscated until they pay. This should stop people trying to cheat the system by being kidnapped and sent abroad. After all, if we let them get away with it, all sorts of people will jump on the bandwagon and be forced to travel somewhere they desperately don’t want to be, just so they can get a free lift back to where they started.

I bet when Terry Waite was rescued, he didn’t expect a free lift home, and paid his own bus fare from Beirut back to Canterbury.

To encourage this behaviour, there should be another film in the Taken series, in which Liam Neeson smashes through a roof and descends on a rope, shoots 135 members of a child-trafficking gang, then announces to the terrified teenagers: “You’re safe now, you’re going home. That’s as long as you give me £125.55 each for a single rail ticket each, rising to £246.80 if you travel at peak times.”

The reason for all this may be because the government has the tricky task of convincing the angriest Brexit supporters they are still on their side. So the prime minister has to find ways of saying, “We might not be pursuing as hard a Brexit as you wanted, but you can trust we’re still determined to be horrible to foreigners.”

So it’s only fair that a series of measures are taken which point the blame for the problems this country has got itself into at the people truly responsible for it – which is Danish nurses, and feckless lazy types who spend all day idly walking from Syria to Calais and floating to Dover on a wardrobe.

It’s fashionable, throughout these difficult moments, to applaud our prime minister on the grounds that whatever you feel about Brexit, she’s shown great resilience and a real sense of duty, carrying on where many would have given up.

It certainly does seem fair to recognise her tenacity, her determination, and her stoic insistence, no matter how many forces are against her, to be heroically vindictive, soulless and inhuman. And that’s a sense of duty we should all admire.