What's on the BBC: an everyday guide

The listings in the Radio Times start on a Saturday, but if you wait till Saturday to buy it you are in for a nasty shock, because it has always sold out by then, or it always has when I go out to get mine.

I suspect I am not alone in this, so I would like to share with you the emergency scheme I have prepared as a fallback. Some time ago I asked the mighty Independent computer to come up with one radio and TV set of listings which would cover every conceivable day, and it did just that. Here is your all-purpose, a-day-in-the-life-of-the-BBC chart to cut out and keep.

BBC Television

See daily paper

RADIO ONE

As yesterday

RADIO TWO

6.00am. Woman playing records

7.30am. Irishman playing records

9.30am. Scotsman playing records

11.30am. Englishman playing records and asking medical man why people get ill.

1.30 to 7.00pm. Other people playing other records.

7.00pm. People playing records that other people don't want to listen to, eg jazz, cinema organ, accordion, brass band, cajun, etc.

10.00pm. Classic comedy show repeat.

11.00pm. Man playing records and reading tomorrow's newspapers.

RADIO THREE

6.00am. Waking Up with Susan Mayfly

6.03am. Bonsai Overture, Der Gauleiter, Bimborg Symphony Orchestra, conductor Karl-Heinz Ravioli

7.00am. Getting Out Of Bed with Piers Brighton

7.03am. Cadillac Suite: The Five-Cornered Bedroom, Radio Palermo Symphony Orchestra, conductor Carlo-Maria Bratwurst

8.00am. Having Breakfast with Michael Dibley

8.03am. Brioche Five songs in the style of Strudel, the Pastry Singers, conductor Madeleine Pretzel

9.00am. Going Off to Work with Humphrey Dillon

9.03am. Kalashnikov Six Marches Militaires, Band of Irish Republican Army, conductor Major Sean Semtex

10.00am. Coming Back For Your Briefcase Which You Left Behind, with Estrella Wheen

10.03am. Villa-Borghese Seven Manganesian Folk Dances, Grupo Folklorico de Radio Buenos Aires, conductor Diego Marijuana

12.00. Composer Of The Week, Ravanelli: the early years.

1.00pm. Quick Sandwich At The Office, with Jeremy Jeremy

1.03pm. Par Tundra Suite: The Main Road to Stockholm via Malmo, Band of the Swedish RAC, conductor Arne Layby

2.00. Songs

3.00. Requests

4.00. Church Singing

5.00. Music Machine Tommy Pearson explains the history of music

5.15. Coming Back Home Again In The Rush Hour with Chris del Monico

7.00. A Long Concert

8.15. A Short Interval Talk

10.45. More Talk

11.30. Composer of Last Week

12.30am. Jazz For Fast Asleep People

1.00am. Brushing Your Teeth and Getting Into Bed with Ronald Macdonald, Concert Music For Fast Asleep People

RADIO FOUR

6.00am. Farming Talk

7.00am. Political Talk

9.00am. Chat Talk

10.00am. God Talk

10.30am. Woman Talk

12.30pm. Quiz Talk

1.40pm. Ambridge Talk

4.05pm. Arts Talk

5.00pm. Talk talk talk talk ...

6.00pm. News Talk

6.30pm. Talk (Repeat)

7.20pm. Back of Beyond: A new series in which Arthur Smith takes various celebrities to places they have always dreaded going to, to find out if it is as bad as they thought. Today: Roy Hattersley goes to Budleigh Salterton.

8.00pm. Evening Talk.

11.00pm. New comedy series with long title they thought was funny at the time.

11.30. Parliament Talk.

12.00. Night Talk.

BBC Local Radio

News, traffic, old records, and people from London plugging books.