When you speculate about the relationship between X Factor's Matt Terry and Freddy Parker, you buy into a homophobic narrative

Saara Aalto is out and proud, and engaged to a woman. Why are we shy to celebrate her but quick to fantasise about a relationship between Terry and Parker?

Nothing sets my heart aflutter like young gay love. Coming out is arduous, and finding someone to warm the cold, heteronormative nights often seems like a herculean task to queer youth. It’s why films like Beautiful Thing and Get Real, both about gay teen couples in the 1990s, still speak to us two decades later. They give hope to young gay kids and allow older gay men, many of whom didn’t have an adolescent love, to see what might have been.

Fictional characters, though, don’t have the same resonance as real out-and-proud gay couples – something there is a dearth of in pop culture. So it’s no wonder that many fans of the X Factor squealed with delight last night when the winner, Matt Terry, seemed to lock lips with fellow contestant (and speculated boyfriend) Freddy Parker. There have been rumours of a romance between the two circulating on social media – and in gossip columns – for weeks.

It’s easy to see why: with impossible jawlines, sparkling smiles and soaring vocals, their cuddled-up Instagram posts are the definition of #RelationshipGoals. Except they’re not a couple. Neither Parker nor Terry has come out. Indeed, both have insinuated, if not outright stated, that they’re straight.

Speculating publicly about someone’s sexuality is tacky at best, and downright bullying at worst. Outing someone who hasn’t come out themselves, even if it does warm the cockles of our heart, is an extreme violation of privacy and is itself homophobic. Impact is more important than intent, and robbing someone (or a couple) of the ability to control their own narrative and come out on their terms is extremely problematic.

I don’t know whether Terry and Parker are gay, bisexual, straight, or something else because I’ve never met them and they’ve never told me. I do know that both have mentioned having crushes on women, and have never mentioned any romantic inclinations towards men. That doesn’t necessarily mean they’re straight – thinking so would be extremely heteronormative – but it does mean that, given the sensitive nature of coming out and the implications this can have on one’s mental health and even career, we shouldn’t cavalierly assign them labels which they haven’t taken on themselves. Doing so takes agency away from them and posits same-sex love as something illicit to be kept secret, hidden, and “discovered” or “proven” by (largely straight) fans.

The X Factor has produced several out gay contestants before, including former winner Joe McElderry, Xtra Factor presenter Rylan Clark-Neal, and the current series’ runner-up, Saara Aalto, who is engaged to a woman. McElderry didn’t come out until after he’d won the competition, but Aalto has never hidden the fact that she is bisexual. The show never made much of an issue out of this, featuring her fiancée only a couple times, so maybe some fans don’t realise we had queer representation on the stage last night in the form of a beautiful young woman engaged to her beautiful girlfriend.

That’s what we should be celebrating: two actual queer people who have control of their own narrative, are living out and proudly but relatively quietly. Instead of projecting our hopes and desires onto two ostensibly straight boys, we should elevate the story and career of someone actually in our community. Aalto has shown a willingness to serve as a role model to our youth by simply being herself. We should embrace that.

We certainly need more openly gay and bisexual pop culture icons. But Matt Terry, Freddy Parker, and Saara Aalto are all entitled to privacy. Only one of them—Aalto—has publicly come out, and she is the one we should elevate as a role model for our youth. This doesn’t mean Terry and Parker aren’t adorable, talented, and seemingly good guys (I’m smitten with both). But assigning them labels and concocting a relationship is problematic and frames homosexuality as a shameful secret to be discovered. Our kids deserve better.

Skylar Baker-Jordan is an American journalist and essayist. He is based in Chicago, and hopes to move to London next year