Oscars 2016: The craziest gifts ever seen in Oscars goodie bags

From the 'O-Shot' to gloriously unnecessary bejewelled hand sanitisers

It’s that time of year again, when the ridiculous Oscars goodie bags reveal themselves the ultimate metaphor for the surreal Hollywood lifestyle.

Leonardo DiCaprio, Jennifer Lawrence and other nominees in the major categories will take home over $200,000 worth of gifts each (record value, no less), with luxurious items including a 10-day trip to Israel, loo roll worth $275, a wearable ‘arouser’ and the Vampire Breast Lift, making a comeback from 2013. More on that one here.

But while the 2016 swag bag, “meant to thrill and pamper those who may have everything money can buy but still savour the simple joy of a gift”, is as bizarrely extravagant as ever, it is notably lacking annual favourite the ‘O-Shot’.

This ‘vagina rejuvenation procedure’ offered by Dr Charles Runels was worth $2,700 last year but clearly Brie Larson, Cate Blanchett et al aren’t too keen on having blood cells injected into their “genital tissue” after all.

There are no hair transplants or pepper spray guns offered on the new list. Nor, sadly, are Le Petit Cirque lessons anywhere to be seen. Just us who’d love to see Bryan Cranston take to the stage via trapeze?

If you’ve forgotten the most dazzlingly weird gems of Oscars gone by, allow us to remind you of some of the craziest things ever found in the Academy’s gift bags:

One-on-one personal horoscope (2015)

Hollywood’s creme de la creme were given $20,000 gift certificates to have Enigma Life founder Olessia Kantor fly out for a personal meeting to “discuss their horoscope, analyse dreams and teach them mind control techniques”. Whether Leo used the latter to control voters’ minds to finally give him an Oscar this year remains to be seen.

Silver necklace engraved with the latitude and longitude coordinates of the Dolby Theater where the Oscars takes place (2015)

So the Academy can forever be just centimetres from your heart…

The O-Shot (2015)

The Academy went all Fifty Shades of Grey on nominees last year with this dubious treatment. Blood cells are injected into the clitoris and vagina to give it the makeover that surely all genital areas need to cure urinatory incontinence and sex problems.

ARTAS Robotic Hair Transplant Surgery (2014)

To ensure all those supermodels still go for Leo when he’s balding.

Le Petite Cirque lessons (2014)

Actors can make their ‘triple threat’ a quadruple one by adding aerial circus skills to their list of talents. 

Horse shampoo (2014)

No, not for horses, for humans and nope, no idea.

Mace pepper spray guns (2014)

Pesky fans asking for one too many selfies? Pop one of these bad boys in your bag and it’s problem solved, apparently.

Posh condoms (2013)

$5 a pop for safe fun at all those star-studded after parties.

Vaportrim, for eating nothing (2012)

Any celebs worried that they are approaching the dreaded size eight can try the “world’s first zero calorie dessert”. Vaportrim makes you feel full and eat less using the senses of taste and smell. No food required. Depressing.

Bejewelled hand sanitiser (2012)

A bottle of hand gel wrapped in a jelly sleeve and encrusted with gold and crystals, courtesy of Purell and worth $135. 

Germ-shield face mask (2011)

Eww, common people.

Virgin Galactic space missions (2011)

Free trips on Enterprise and Voyager for those who dare venture out of Hollywood and into outer space.

Movie set sterilising whether you have OCD or not (2011)

For $10,000 someone will actually visit their movie set trailer and sterilise it all over with a green ‘nanocoating' product.

Face serum made from stem cells (2011)

Founder Lash Fary had to clarify that the stem cells used in his regeneration serum StemSational were taken from adults and not babies. It does make your skin look like a baby’s though, naturally.

‘Chocolatines’ in Willy Wonka style flavours (2010)

Chocolate-dipped bacon anyone? Or how about ‘chianti wine with olive’ and ‘champagne brut with bleu cheese bark’? 

Booty Pop for a bigger bum (2009)

Padded underwear to give you a booty like Beyonce.

$1,000 balsamic Italian vinegar (2007)

Sarson’s on my fish and chips? Perleeeeease.

Mink eyelashes (2005)

Officially the most comfortable falsies money can buy.

Join us for the Oscars on Sunday 28 February.