Inside Television: What can we expect from the eleventh series of The X Factor?

 

On Saturday, at 8pm, The X Factor returns to ITV. So, what can we expect from the most successful television talent contest in the world at it reaches its eleventh series? Using a sophisticated system of statistical analysis, numerology and psychic intuition, here are Inside TV's predictions for 2014.

1. No one will remember Cheryl's married name

Cheryl who? After a three-year absence, Cheryl Tweedy, sorry Cole, sorry Fernandez-Versini has confirmed (via the show’s beloved booming voice-over artist Peter Dickson) that she’ll be using her double-barrelled new name when she returns. Still, at least no one will have trouble remembering her first name, which is more than can be said for Australian one-hit-wonder Natalie Imbruglia. Her presence as a guest judge in 2010 was greeted with undisguised bafflement by auditionees, including one particularly aggressive double-act known as ‘Ablisa’. The line “Who are you, may I ask?” has gone down in X Factor history.

2. Simon Cowell will make children cry

In the early days some suspected SyCo’s brusque manner concealed the heart of a softie, but a decade on, the truth is out: He’s just a very mean man. Telling adults off for singing like “a zoo or something”, is one thing, but does he have the heart to say similar to a school-age minor? We’ll find out this year, when the minimum entry age is lowered from 16 to 14. 

3. Louis will shamelessly proclaim the brilliance of a clearly rubbish act

Louis Walsh is a curious X Factor anomaly. In financial terms at least, he’s had great success managing acts like Boyzone and Westlife and having appeared on every series of the show, he’s the most experienced of the judges. And yet...and yet...he can’t resist throwing his weight behind some clearly dreadful acts, regardless of the misery it inflicts on the viewing public. If you’re wondering who to blame for Jedward (2009), Wagner (2010) and Shayne Ward (2005), there is only one man; incorrigible cheese-meister, Louis Walsh.

4. Mel B will win the battle of the dresses

At a press conference earlier this week, Cheryl Whassername testily declared, “It's not about what clothes I'm wearing,” which is a strange thing to say when it so obviously is about what clothes she’s wearing. Sexist or not, it has been the fate of all female X Factor judges to become embroiled in a bitterly fought, Grazia-adjudicated style battle. Therefore Cheryl’s words can only be interpreted as an early admission of defeat. She fears she’s got nothing to match the leopard print catsuits lurking at the back of Scary Spice’s closet. She fears correctly.

5. A star is born...

Leona Lewis (estimated personal fortune: £13m) came along in 2006, One Direction (estimated personal fortune: £14m each) arrived in 2010. This means the average wait between X Factor money-spinners is four years and since it's now 2014, St Tropez marina should already be making room for another of Cowell’s yachts.

A TFI revival? Evans helps us

This week's 'Monkey Tennis' Award for Terrible Programming Ideas goes to Channel 4. In a Radio 2 interview on Tuesday, Chris Evans revealed to fellow 90s survivor Zoe Ball that channel bosses have asked him for a 20th anniversary special of his hit show TFI Friday, which originally ran from 1996 to 2000, possibly followed by a full series. Aside from the fact that regular features like ‘Ugly Blokes’ and ‘Fat Lookalikes’ deserve to remain a relic of more mean-spirited times, they’ve got their dates wrong. Next year will mark only 19 years since the show’s first episode. Evans, at least, has done the maths: “I think they still want to go for it and just hope no one notices.”

CATCH UP

Stammer School: Musharaf Finds His Voice, 4oD

Musharaf Asghar became the stand-out star of Educating Yorkshire last year when, with the help of English teacher Mr Burton, he overcame his severe stammer to give a reading in assembly. Unfortunately it will take more than a trick picked up from The King’s Speech to make a permanent difference to Mushy’s communication skills and, as we saw in this tear-jerker documentary, he’s got the determination to go all the way.

http://www.channel4.com/programmes/stammer-school-musharaf-finds-his-voice

Hotel India, BBC iPlayer

India is home to some of the poorest people in the world, but at The Taj Mahal Palace Hotel in Mumbai you’ll find only the very richest. “Sometimes I close my eyes and like to pretend that all of India is like this”, says one enchanted guest in this new documentary series.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b04g4czw

Natural World: Attenborough’s Fabulous Frogs, BBC iPlayer

David Attenborough is too serious a conservationist to play favourites, but something tells me if he had to choose, frogs would be near the top of the list. This final installment of his Natural World series is all about the biology and behaviour of the world’s 5000 plus frog species, from their 360 degree eyesight, right down to their webbed feet.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b04g4qm5

50 Ways To Kill Your Mammy, SkyGo

This one goes out to all the grown men who think they’re too cool to spend quality time with their mammys. Irish presenter Baz Ashmawy is travelling the world, subjecting his 70-year-old mother to various extreme sports. Admittedly, Baz was probably motivated by the desire to further his TV career, but the result is a surprisingly tender take on the mother-son relationship.

http://go.sky.com/vod/content/SKYENTERTAINMENT/

Arts and Entertainment
Russell Tovey, Myanna Buring and Julian Rhind Tutt star in Banished
tvReview: The latest episode was a smidgen less depressing... but it’s hardly a bonza beach party
Arts and Entertainment
Crime watch: Cara Delevingne and Daniel Brühl in ‘The Face of an Angel’
film review
Arts and Entertainment
music Malik left the Asian leg of the band's world tour after being signed off with stress last week
News
Author J.K. Rowling attends photocall ahead of her reading from 'The Casual Vacancy' at the Queen Elizabeth Hall on September 27, 2012 in London, England.
peopleNot the first time the author has defended Dumbledore's sexuality
News
‘The Late Late Show’ presenter James Corden is joined by Mila Kunis and Tom Hanks for his first night as host
news
Arts and Entertainment
‘The Royals’ – a ‘twisted, soapy take on England’s first family’
tv Some of the characters appear to have clear real-life counterparts
News
Brooks is among a dozen show-business professionals ever to have achieved Egot status
people
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Arts and Entertainment

ebooksNow available in paperback
Arts and Entertainment

ebooks
Arts and Entertainment
A cut above: Sean Penn is outclassed by Mark Rylance in The Gunman
film review
Arts and Entertainment
arts + ents
Arts and Entertainment
James Franco and Zachary Quinto in I Am Michael

Film review Michael Glatze biopic isn't about a self-hating gay man gone straight

Arts and Entertainment
A scene from the movie 'Get Hard'
tvWill Ferrell’s new film Get Hard receives its first reviews
Arts and Entertainment
Left to right: David Cameron (Mark Dexter), Nick Clegg (Bertie Carvel) and Gordon Brown (Ian Grieve)
tvReview: Ian Grieve gets another chance to play Gordon Brown... this is the kinder version
Arts and Entertainment
Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman in the first look picture from next year's Sherlock special

TV
Arts and Entertainment
Because it wouldn’t be Glastonbury without people kicking off about the headline acts, a petition has already been launched to stop Kanye West performing on the Saturday night

music
Arts and Entertainment
Molly Risker, Helen Monks, Caden-Ellis Wall, Rebekah Staton, Erin Freeman, Philip Jackson and Alexa Davies in ‘Raised by Wolves’

TV review
Arts and Entertainment

TV
Arts and Entertainment
James May, Jeremy Clarkson and Richard Hammond in the Top Gear Patagonia Special

TV
Arts and Entertainment
Game of Thrones will run for ten years if HBO gets its way but showrunners have mentioned ending it after seven

Game of Thrones
Arts and Entertainment
Mans Zelmerlow will perform 'Heroes' for Sweden at the Eurovision Song Contest 2015

music
Arts and Entertainment
Elizabeth (Heida Reed) and Ross Poldark (Aiden Turner) in the BBC's remake of their 1975 original Poldark

Poldark review
Arts and Entertainment
Daniel Craig as James Bond in Skyfall

Mexican government reportedly paying Bond producers for positive portrayal in new filmfilm
Arts and Entertainment
Disney’s flying baby elephant is set to return in live-action format
filmWith sequels, prequels and spin-offs, Disney plays it safe... and makes a pachyderm
Arts and Entertainment
Nazrin with Syf, Camden
photography
News
The QI Elves photographed at the Soho Theatre. They are part of a team of researchers who find facts for the television programme 'QI'.
people
Arts and Entertainment
‘The Royals’ – a ‘twisted, soapy take on England’s first family’
tv0-star review: Sean O'Grady gives it his best shot anyway
  • Get to the point
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?

ES Rentals

    Independent Dating
    and  

    By clicking 'Search' you
    are agreeing to our
    Terms of Use.

    The saffron censorship that governs India: Why national pride and religious sentiment trump freedom of expression

    The saffron censorship that governs India

    Zareer Masani reveals why national pride and religious sentiment trump freedom of expression
    Prince Charles' 'black spider' letters to be published 'within weeks'

    Prince Charles' 'black spider' letters to be published 'within weeks'

    Supreme Court rules Dominic Grieve's ministerial veto was invalid
    Distressed Zayn Malik fans are cutting themselves - how did fandom get so dark?

    How did fandom get so dark?

    Grief over Zayn Malik's exit from One Direction seemed amusing until stories of mass 'cutting' emerged. Experts tell Gillian Orr the distress is real, and the girls need support
    The galaxy collisions that shed light on unseen parallel Universe

    The cosmic collisions that have shed light on unseen parallel Universe

    Dark matter study gives scientists insight into mystery of space
    The Swedes are adding a gender-neutral pronoun to their dictionary

    Swedes introduce gender-neutral pronoun

    Why, asks Simon Usborne, must English still struggle awkwardly with the likes of 's/he' and 'they'?
    Disney's mega money-making formula: 'Human' remakes of cartoon classics are part of a lucrative, long-term creative plan

    Disney's mega money-making formula

    'Human' remakes of cartoon classics are part of a lucrative, long-term creative plan
    Lobster has gone mainstream with supermarket bargains for £10 or less - but is it any good?

    Lobster has gone mainstream

    Anthea Gerrie, raised on meaty specimens from the waters around Maine, reveals how to cook up an affordable feast
    Easter 2015: 14 best decorations

    14 best Easter decorations

    Get into the Easter spirit with our pick of accessories, ornaments and tableware
    Paul Scholes column: Gareth Bale would be a perfect fit at Manchester United and could turn them into serious title contenders next season

    Paul Scholes column

    Gareth Bale would be a perfect fit at Manchester United and could turn them into serious title contenders next season
    Inside the Kansas greenhouses where Monsanto is 'playing God' with the future of the planet

    The future of GM

    The greenhouses where Monsanto 'plays God' with the future of the planet
    Britain's mild winters could be numbered: why global warming is leaving UK chillier

    Britain's mild winters could be numbered

    Gulf Stream is slowing down faster than ever, scientists say
    Government gives £250,000 to Independent appeal

    Government gives £250,000 to Independent appeal

    Donation brings total raised by Homeless Veterans campaign to at least £1.25m
    Oh dear, the most borrowed book at Bank of England library doesn't inspire confidence

    The most borrowed book at Bank of England library? Oh dear

    The book's fifth edition is used for Edexcel exams
    Cowslips vs honeysuckle: The hunt for the UK’s favourite wildflower

    Cowslips vs honeysuckle

    It's the hunt for UK’s favourite wildflower
    Child abuse scandal: Did a botched blackmail attempt by South African intelligence help Cyril Smith escape justice?

    Did a botched blackmail attempt help Cyril Smith escape justice?

    A fresh twist reveals the Liberal MP was targeted by the notorious South African intelligence agency Boss