Donald MacInnes: Chef Heston drove us to our motorway wedding reception
In The Red
Donald MacInnes writes Tales from the Water Cooler, which can be found every Saturday on page 2 of i. And, although a financial near-imbecile, he writes a weekly column in The Independent’s Money section, also on Saturdays. He writes regularly on a broad range of subjects in i’s Freeview section and occasionally fills in on Simon Kelner’s daily column when emotionally up to it. @DonaldAMacInnes
Saturday 01 September 2012
I hate to start your Saturday off on a downer, but this will be my last dispatch for a couple of weeks. Today I nervously don my diaphanous, off-white gown and translucent veil, grab my bouquet of de-thorned orange roses and stride off into my future as a married gentleman.
As a result, today I shall be unable to respond adequately to as many of your email/Twitter/website comments about my being a talentless no-mark who should still be writing warm-up material for Bob Carolgees and Spit the Dog. Understandably, it being my wedding day, I have other fish to fry. That's actually the truth… we're having haddock and chips at the reception.
As I pen this, myself and my permanent female companion are on final approach; banking gracefully towards Coupledom International Airport in our gleaming jumbo jet of commitment and unbegrudged foot-rubs. We are also trying to make the last remnants of the budget stretch out to one last pirouetting ballerina to welcome us to the aforementioned reception, which will be taking place at the westbound Heston services between Junctions 2 and 3 of the M4. We chose that particular venue because my imminent wife saw it on the motorway sign and assumed its kitchen would be overseen by Chef Blumenthal (pictured) himself. I genuinely wish I was kidding about that.
I don't want to suggest that we have run out of money. My fiancée's family have been spectacularly generous with their cash, offering to pay for the wedding. Well, I say "cash". Quite a bit of the final amount was made up of HMV tokens, so we shall be serving the starter on CD cases and the main course on old-fashioned 12-inch albums. That way, we don't need to pay for wee net bags of sugared almonds as wedding favours. We can just give people a copy of the latest Jessie J album. As the lady herself said, it ain't about the price tag. Or the b-bling, b-bling.
Talking of price tags, I think we have about £20 left in the kitty. But, as this is all in loose change, we should probably take him to the vet, as he is making too much noise when he walks. Sorry, that was poor. And it lacked truth. I hate cats.
As many of you will be aware, we shall be honeymooning in Italy. This is the country that gave the world pizza pies, lasagne and gelato, so all the effort I have been putting in on the exercise bike to fit into my kilt (with no pants) might have to be restarted on my return. I shall, of course, keep you posted on developments. Ciao!
Independent Partners; request a free guide on NISAs from Hargreaves Lansdown
- 1 Universities aren't working us hard enough, say undergraduates
- 2 Lego letter from the 1970s still offers a powerful message to parents 40 years later
- 3 To help fuel their propaganda machine against the poor, our government has now decided to redefine the word 'welfare'
- 4 Woman opens professional cuddling shop – gets 10,000 customers in first week
- 5 Grayson Perry: London needs affordable housing because 'rich people don't create culture'
Rochester by-election: Ukip gains second MP as Tory defector Mark Reckless holds seat
'Beast of Bolsover' Dennis Skinner takes Ukip MP Mark Reckless to task moments after he is sworn in
Rochester by-election: Labour MP Emily Thornberry resigns after posting white van and England flags tweet
France 'blocks' Russian sailors from boarding a warship
Rochester aftermath: Sacking of Emily Thornberry will make work of Labour MPs '10 times harder'
Revealed: How the world gets rich – from privatising British public services
iJobs Money & Business
Competitive + bonus: Selby Jennings: My client, a growing European CIB are loo...
Voluntary Only - Expenses Reimbursed: Reach Volunteering: Age Concern Slough a...
Voluntary Only - Expenses Reimbursed: Reach Volunteering: Crossroads Care is s...
£20000 - £25000 per annum + OTE £35,000: SThree: We consistently strive to be ...
Day In a Page
A deceptively spacious, beautifully presented Georgian home with 3000sq ft of living space and five reception rooms
A five-bedroom Victorian home with four receptions, superb gardens and paddock in Pembury
An eight-bedroom house on the south side of the The Green with cinema, wine cellars and summer house
This 17th century beauty is full of rustic cosiness, while the detached home office means you can also run a business
This five-bedroom red-brick beauty overlooks the village green and sits in just under two acres of land
Four exclusive apartments in a Grade II-listed former medical school with 2,275 sq ft of living space and 18ft ceilings
A five-bedroom terraced house on the popular Peterborough Estate, ideally located for both Eel Brook Common and South Park
A state-of-the-art farm-building conversion on the former Cliveden Estate, with 11,420sq ft of internal space, cinema and wine cellar
A three-bedroom, 15th-century cottage with original features in the picturesque village of Sissinghurst
A six-bedroom terraced house with large south-facing roof terrace, cinema room and wine cellar
A new seven-bedroom home built in Queen Anne-style with swimming pool and parkland views in Mortimer
A listed, four-bedroom farmhouse in the rural hamlet of Rushall with detached barn, four acres of gardens and paddocks
A first-floor flat with two bedrooms, a spacious reception room and communal grounds in a leafy part of London
A three-bedroom flat with a spacious rootop terrace and balcony, accessed from a private gated courtyard
A Grade II-listed pile with six bedrooms, stables and 39 acres of grounds in Standlake
A two-bedroom flat with boutique hotel-style interiors, close to the foodie haunt of West End Lane
A two-bedroom flat in a beautiful old vicarage, with many original features, close to the city centre
A three-bedroom 16th-century home with an aga kitchen, private gardens and heated outdoor pool, in Hadleigh
A three-bedrom home in sought-after Queen's Gate Mews, with Italian marble-finished bathrooms
Surrounded by glorious countryside in the village of Udimore, sits this impressive four-kiln oast and barn conversion
A five-bedroom house in the picturesque village of Kettlewell, north Yorkshire
An 18th-century former coaching inn with original staircase, open fireplaces and beams throughout
A Grade II-listed Georgian town house with three bedrooms and a south-facing courtyard, near Arundel Castle
Feel on top of the world at this über chic penthouse on the 37th floor of one of Europe’s tallest blocks.
A Grade II-listed Victorian villa with six bedrooms and two further cottages, all with spectacular sea views
A grade II-listed, Georgian cottage with mature 50ft garden, perfect for summer entertaining
A magnificent Georgian pile with turrets, seven bedrooms, a heated pool and four acres of gardens
Fairoak Farm has five bedroom suites, gym, outdoor swimming pool and golf course
Chic two-bedroom river-fronted flat with a private lift that delivers you directly to your home
A spectacular seven-bedroom Tudor pile, once owned by Henry VIII, with 18 acres of land
A seven-bedroom Georgian property previously used as a picturesque wedding venue
A split-level flat in a church conversion with two en suite bedrooms and 1,200sq ft of living space
A three-bedroom bungalow situated behind an impressive stone wall, £645,000
Windsor Castle overlooks this three-bedroom Victorian cottage located on one of Windsor's smartest roads
Chapel House is a former vicarage with nine bedrooms in the beautiful Upper Wye Valley
A five-bedroom B&B and separate owner's accomodation with potential for conversion
Enjoy summer by the Thames in this two double-bedroom converted warehouse in Rotherhithe village
A one-bedroom, luxury apartment with private gym and concierge service in Moorgate
A four-bedroom house in Hermitage Gardens with three reception rooms and landscaped gardens