Donald MacInnes: The Apprentice is just the job for a novice punter
In The Red
Donald MacInnes writes Tales from the Water Cooler, which can be found every Saturday on page 2 of i. And, although a financial near-imbecile, he writes a weekly column in The Independent’s Money section, also on Saturdays. He writes regularly on a broad range of subjects in i’s Freeview section and occasionally fills in on Simon Kelner’s daily column when emotionally up to it. @DonaldAMacInnes
Friday 10 May 2013
While I take some pride in telling people that I'm not a betting man, there are one or two exceptions to my abstinence from that kind of perilous financial speculation.
First, the Grand National. For the vast majority of the sporting year I have little or no interest in horse racing and personally find the whole Grand National thing rather distasteful, given the doom awaiting any animals that happen to break a leg as they negotiate the fearful mountains of leylandii punctuating the Aintree circuit.
As US comedian Jerry Seinfeld once said, if the horses were aware that, should they come a cropper their fate would be a bullet behind the ear, you would see some mighty careful stepping down the home stretch. He imagined the lead horse would soothingly tell his fellow nags: "Eeeaaasy, fellas. No sense getting hurt. You win, I'll place. It's all the same oat bag. The most important thing is your health."
Having said that, if someone waves a hat under my nose containing bits of paper with horses' names on them, saying I could win whatever the pot is, I'm in. Yes, I'm aware I'm a hypocrite. Hypocrisy is a nasty character trait. But not as nasty as some of the personality flaws displayed by most of the runners and riders in that other annual galloping bloodbath: The Apprentice.
The BBC Nutjob Selection Department has done us proud again in its corralling of 15 of the country's most delusional business fantasists. I suspect you would get a more reasonable commentary on the state of Britain's entrepreneurial acumen from the end of the horse which doesn't go neigh. That's its bum, if you were wondering.
You may recall last year, when I was part of an Apprentice sweep in the office with Jamie and Warren. Although I won the pot (£15), the fact that we managed to pick three of the final four contestants means there were no real losers. Well, apart from Jamie and Warren.
So, our money is on the table again, but this year my wife wants in. And, of course, we would be delighted to admit her. Not only will her £5 swell the pot, but I can hopefully manipulate her choice, by starting a whispering campaign on our couch, extolling the virtues of one of the more unlikely candidates.
Mind you, the horse I picked for this year's Grand National is, I think, still trotting around the course, so what do I know?
Compare with the Independent: See how much you could save by switching credit cards. Compare now
- 1 Tony Benn dead: Veteran Labour politician passes away at 88
- 2 Arrest made after man is found by the side of the road with his penis cut off
- 3 Tim Berners-Lee on creating the web: 'I never expected all these cats'
- 4 Gauthier Soho has ranted against 'food blaggers' - so can we really trust online reviews?
- 5 Malaysia flight MH370: Pitbull song lyrics bear uncanny resemblance to missing plane mystery, according to YouTubers
Katie Hopkins continues campaign to become Britain's most hated talking head with poorly timed Bob Crow tweet
No EU referendum under Labour: Ed Miliband to reveal that vote on membership is ‘unlikely’ in next Parliament if party wins power
Grace Dent: Who cares if she spells it Barraco Barner? Gemma Worrall is more employable than some bookish arts graduate
Europeans have ‘got whiter’ due to natural selection in past 5,000 years, scientists say
Fracking is turning the US into a bigger oil producer than Saudi Arabia
How climate change helped Genghis Khan: Scientists believe a sudden period of warmer weather allowed the Mongols to invade with such success
iJobs Money & Business
£35000 - £43000 per annum + Bonus and Benefits: Harrington Starr: A global lea...
£50000 - £60000 per annum: Harrington Starr: Linux Systems Administrator - UNI...
£32000 - £36000 per annum + generous benefits: Pro-Recruitment Group: * TAX * ...
£37000 - £40000 per annum + £20000 benefits package: Pro-Recruitment Group: **...
Day In a Page
A one-bedroom, luxury apartment with private gym and concierge service in Moorgate
A four-bedroom house in Hermitage Gardens with three reception rooms and landscaped gardens
A seven-bedroom Grade II-listed property with a separate self-contained apartment
A five-bedroom Victorian house with three reception rooms and galleried landing, £695,000
A six-bedroom farmhouse with five acres of land in a former cloth-making village
A secluded seven-bedroom detached house with large private garden, £490,000
A three-bedroom cottage overlooking Sarratt village green with open fires and solid oak floors
A three-bedroom maisonette flat in a Grade I-listed, Georgian townhouse in a sought-after location
A one-bedroom apartment located within a private gated development, north of Turnham Green
Look forward to a brighter future at two-bedroom Sunny Cottages, ideal for Londoners looking to downsize
A three-bedroom red-brick cottage with outbuildings and pretty gardens, £200,000
This three-bedroom flat within a former textile factory spans the corner of the fourth floor and has a balcony
A charming four-bedroom Oxfordshire cottage with oak floors and chunky-beamed ceilings, £465,000
A beautiful one-bed flat in a sought-after portered block, with access to Norland Square communal gardens
A one-bedroom flat within a Sixties school conversion with high-spec design and open-plan kitchen, close to Lambeth North Tube, £435,000
A 17th century four-bedroom house, with open fireplaces, cellar and pool, £600,000
A three-bedroom, coach house with luxury open-plan living space and contemporary breakfast bar
A newly refurbished one-bedroom flat in the heart of Mayfair, close to Grosvenor Square
A charming four-bedroom house overlooking Burleigh Square Park, close to Thorpe Bay
A three-bedroom farmhouse with a large inglenook fireplace and exposed beams
A boutique mews house, set around a central courtyard, with three bedrooms and a private roof terrace
A four-bedroom farm-conversion with three bathrooms and two reception rooms
A two-bedroom detached house with ensuite bathrooms and a sun-drenched decked terrace, £750,000
A modern and spacious two-bedroom, penthouse flat with two bathrooms in a prestigious development
A beautifully renovated five-bedroom terrace with three reception rooms and a courtyard garden, £700,000
A four-bedroom period house which has been extended to provide almost 2,500sq ft of living space, £675,000
A pretty three-bedroom Georgian home with a 22ft drawing room and a master suite with a balcony, £525,000
A substanstial family home with five bedrooms and landscaped gardens in the much sought-after Branksome Park area
A well-presented three-bedroom house with front and rear gardens, close to White City station, £475,000
A handsome five-bedroom house in a sought-after location close to the city centre
A five-bedroom country home with valley views, equestrian stables and 27 acres of land, £725,000
A six-bedroom farm house with separate, detached cottages and 371 acres of land
A two-bedroom cottage with parquet floors, chunky beams and an open fireplace
A three-bedrrom flat with 2,733sq feet of living space, a beautiful private garden and 15 acres of communal grounds
A four-bedroom chalet bungalow with three bathrooms and a spacious garden, £525,000
A two-bedroom flat with an open plan kitchen and two balconies, close to Arsenal station
A Grade II-listed home with six bedrooms, secluded landscaped gardens and views across Hadley Green
A Grade II-listed mansion with two apartments and a cottage, near Gretna Green
A three-bedroom Grade II-listed mews house with vaulted ceilings and roof garden