In The Red: 'Why waste money on a wacky outfit that you'll only wear once?'

The final week of October is always the same. The clocks go back, the temperature drops and, suddenly, grown adults are expected to attend parties dressed as though they were children. Or fools. Or very, very old people – that is, dead, ghostified (or mummified) people. Suddenly, the normal rules for dressing oneself are discarded in favour of the Fancy Dress Costume.

I can't say I'm a fan. Fancy dress just doesn't – how to put it? – agree with me. It used to – once upon a time, when my idea of fancy dress was less last-minute attempt to look like a clown and more carefully planned Cinderella ensemble – but not any more. Unfortunately, this week it's been unavoidable – last night was one friend's Hallowe'en party and tonight is another.

The problems, for me, are manifold. First, I'm far too vain. There are really only two types of fancy dresser – those who try to look good, and those who try to look funny. I am unashamedly one of the former. I simply cannot understand putting that much effort into an outfit if the desired outcome is to make people spill their drinks laughing. Honestly, what's the point?

I'm also somewhat lacking in creative skills – or at least I am when it comes to costume design. I once tried to make a Tin Man outfit for a friend. After repeated attempts at following a set of online instructions for binding together foil, Coke cans and several colanders I gave up, reaching the long-overdue conclusion that a temporarily disgruntled friend was far preferable to an evening spent adjusting colanders.

And I've never understood the concept of buying a costume. If anything is a waste of money, surely it's splashing out on a wacky one-hit-wonder outfit. But people do. In my first year of university I remember being taken aback by the streets around campus, dotted with fancy dress outlets catering to the students' relentless appetite to party. And yet it's so expensive, buying something new for every separate occasion.

The answer is to improvise with clothes you already own – something that this year I found fairly straightforward. The trick is to stick to something relatively normal, and turn it into a costume with accessories. So instead of magicking something out of a colander and a couple of sheets, you just wear something simple, with a hint of whatever the theme may be. It won't cost you anything – and you'll look a damn sight less silly than most of the guests will.

So, this year, I've been masquerading in the tried-and-tested guise of a witch, wearing only items from my wardrobe. Black dress? Check. Black tights? Check. Witch's hat and cape? Um, I might have to pass on those.

a.jarvis@independent.co.uk