As my lecherous uncle once drunkenly slurred: "That Carol Vorderman's a very clever woman" – so I'm concerned to see the old girl is still getting herself all hot and bothered about that irksome peacock Piers Morgan. Middle England's favourite number cruncher was yesterday busy spreading the word across Twitter that the ratings for Morgan's CNN show are rubbish. The bad blood goes back several years – the former Daily Mirror editor once charmingly suggested that Carol "lost her Countdown gig to a foxy maths genius Essex girl half her age and twice as good-looking". Carol, if only for me and my increasingly confused alcoholic of an uncle – let it go!
* "A wonderful opportunity to join one of the world's most respected newspapers," read one advert that immediately caught my eye this week. Further investigation revealed that the said ad was for a communications director at Rupert Murdoch's News International, no less – which has, of course, recently been communicating on a regular basis with Scotland Yard. While less ambitious types might be quick to suggest such a role sounds like an uphill struggle following certain prison-related events, I'd be lying if I told you that I wasn't interested. Indeed, following a regrettable nightclub scuffle with a fellow punter I innocently mistook for Les Dennis the other week, I've been wondering whether it's time for this most sociable of diarists to finally make the switch from poacher to gamekeeper. Applicants need to prove they have, among other things: "proven media relations and results" – (clearly no problem there); "excellent English writing and research skills" – (swiftly moving on); and "substantial international experience" – (let's just say I'm well-connected in Puerto Banus). As of now I'm feeling quietly confident...
* What with all the name-calling going on inside the Coalition in recent days amid the increasingly hostile AV debate, yesterday's cabinet meeting could have turned ugly. Yet Downing Street aides were at pains to suggest that proceedings disappointingly got little beyond "light-hearted banter in the margins". Perhaps that was because Chris "The Hitman" Huhne wasn't present, due to a prior engagement in Brussels. Lucky for those dastardly Tories, because as Lil' Chris has been telling anyone prepared to listen, he's "ready to box their ruddy ears when he next sees them!"
* As soon as the Archbishop of Canterbury went off-message and started quoting from Doctor Who during his Easter sermon, speculation was rife that he's a fan of the show. Indeed a guest appearance by the Archbishop as a Time Lord would add much-needed gravitas to the current series. Still, battle-hardened followers of the programme suggest he's not the expert some hoped him to be. The episode mentioned was The Happiness Patrol from 1988, featuring one Sylvester McCoy, who, I respectfully suggest, was the most annoying Doctor Who in history.
* With that wedding now just around the corner, my newly recruited "very temporary royal correspondent" Paul Burrell is keen to up the ante. Clearly concerned that Prince William saw fit to present his bride-to-be with his late mother's engagement ring (no bad omen there, surely?) the former butler of Princess Diana can hold his tongue not a moment longer. "Kate will forever wear the ghost of Diana on her hand!" he shrills, before I'm forced to put the phone down. More from this most celebrated of royal insiders when we have it.
* News that the perma-tanned buffoon Gavin Henson is to be axed by his rugby club, Toulon, following a bust-up with team-mates shouldn't be regarded as the end of the road for the Welsh star. While critics suggest he's squandered his sporting talents courtesy of being "too thick", one well-connected TV executive told me only yesterday that both Gav and Lembit Opik are now top of their list for a new show "based around celebrity cage-fighting". Let the good times roll!