Diary: Carol can't forgive or forget

As my lecherous uncle once drunkenly slurred: "That Carol Vorderman's a very clever woman" – so I'm concerned to see the old girl is still getting herself all hot and bothered about that irksome peacock Piers Morgan. Middle England's favourite number cruncher was yesterday busy spreading the word across Twitter that the ratings for Morgan's CNN show are rubbish. The bad blood goes back several years – the former Daily Mirror editor once charmingly suggested that Carol "lost her Countdown gig to a foxy maths genius Essex girl half her age and twice as good-looking". Carol, if only for me and my increasingly confused alcoholic of an uncle – let it go!

* "A wonderful opportunity to join one of the world's most respected newspapers," read one advert that immediately caught my eye this week. Further investigation revealed that the said ad was for a communications director at Rupert Murdoch's News International, no less – which has, of course, recently been communicating on a regular basis with Scotland Yard. While less ambitious types might be quick to suggest such a role sounds like an uphill struggle following certain prison-related events, I'd be lying if I told you that I wasn't interested. Indeed, following a regrettable nightclub scuffle with a fellow punter I innocently mistook for Les Dennis the other week, I've been wondering whether it's time for this most sociable of diarists to finally make the switch from poacher to gamekeeper. Applicants need to prove they have, among other things: "proven media relations and results" – (clearly no problem there); "excellent English writing and research skills" – (swiftly moving on); and "substantial international experience" – (let's just say I'm well-connected in Puerto Banus). As of now I'm feeling quietly confident...

* What with all the name-calling going on inside the Coalition in recent days amid the increasingly hostile AV debate, yesterday's cabinet meeting could have turned ugly. Yet Downing Street aides were at pains to suggest that proceedings disappointingly got little beyond "light-hearted banter in the margins". Perhaps that was because Chris "The Hitman" Huhne wasn't present, due to a prior engagement in Brussels. Lucky for those dastardly Tories, because as Lil' Chris has been telling anyone prepared to listen, he's "ready to box their ruddy ears when he next sees them!"

* As soon as the Archbishop of Canterbury went off-message and started quoting from Doctor Who during his Easter sermon, speculation was rife that he's a fan of the show. Indeed a guest appearance by the Archbishop as a Time Lord would add much-needed gravitas to the current series. Still, battle-hardened followers of the programme suggest he's not the expert some hoped him to be. The episode mentioned was The Happiness Patrol from 1988, featuring one Sylvester McCoy, who, I respectfully suggest, was the most annoying Doctor Who in history.

* With that wedding now just around the corner, my newly recruited "very temporary royal correspondent" Paul Burrell is keen to up the ante. Clearly concerned that Prince William saw fit to present his bride-to-be with his late mother's engagement ring (no bad omen there, surely?) the former butler of Princess Diana can hold his tongue not a moment longer. "Kate will forever wear the ghost of Diana on her hand!" he shrills, before I'm forced to put the phone down. More from this most celebrated of royal insiders when we have it.

* News that the perma-tanned buffoon Gavin Henson is to be axed by his rugby club, Toulon, following a bust-up with team-mates shouldn't be regarded as the end of the road for the Welsh star. While critics suggest he's squandered his sporting talents courtesy of being "too thick", one well-connected TV executive told me only yesterday that both Gav and Lembit Opik are now top of their list for a new show "based around celebrity cage-fighting". Let the good times roll!

highstreetken@independent.co.uk

Start your day with The Independent, sign up for daily news emails
  • Get to the point
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Independent Dating
and  

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

iJobs Job Widget
iJobs People

Ashdown Group: HR Manager Shared Services - Uxbridge, - 1 Year contract

£50000 per annum: Ashdown Group: HR Manager Shared Services - Uxbridge, Stock...

Recruitment Genius: Graduate Human Resource Officer and Executive Assistant

Negotiable: Recruitment Genius: This is an exciting opportunity to join one of...

Ashdown Group: HR Assistant (Events business) - Central Manchester - £20K

£18000 - £20000 per annum + Benefits: Ashdown Group: HR Assistant (Events busi...

Recruitment Genius: Project Engineer

Negotiable: Recruitment Genius: This privately-owned company designs and manuf...

Day In a Page

Not even the 'putrid throat' could stop the Ross Poldark swoon-fest'

Not even the 'putrid throat' could stop the Ross Poldark swoon-fest'

How a costume drama became a Sunday night staple
Miliband promises no stamp duty for first-time buyers as he pushes Tories on housing

Miliband promises no stamp duty for first-time buyers

Labour leader pushes Tories on housing
Aviation history is littered with grand failures - from the the Bristol Brabazon to Concorde - but what went wrong with the SuperJumbo?

Aviation history is littered with grand failures

But what went wrong with the SuperJumbo?
Fear of Putin, Islamists and immigration is giving rise to a new generation of Soviet-style 'iron curtains' right across Europe

Fortress Europe?

Fear of Putin, Islamists and immigration is giving rise to a new generation of 'iron curtains'
Never mind what you're wearing, it's what you're reclining on

Never mind what you're wearing

It's what you're reclining on that matters
General Election 2015: Chuka Umunna on the benefits of immigration, humility – and his leader Ed Miliband

Chuka Umunna: A virus of racism runs through Ukip

The shadow business secretary on the benefits of immigration, humility – and his leader Ed Miliband
Yemen crisis: This exotic war will soon become Europe's problem

Yemen's exotic war will soon affect Europe

Terrorism and boatloads of desperate migrants will be the outcome of the Saudi air campaign, says Patrick Cockburn
Marginal Streets project aims to document voters in the run-up to the General Election

Marginal Streets project documents voters

Independent photographers Joseph Fox and Orlando Gili are uploading two portraits of constituents to their website for each day of the campaign
Game of Thrones: Visit the real-life kingdom of Westeros to see where violent history ends and telly tourism begins

The real-life kingdom of Westeros

Is there something a little uncomfortable about Game of Thrones shooting in Northern Ireland?
How to survive a social-media mauling, by the tough women of Twitter

How to survive a Twitter mauling

Mary Beard, Caroline Criado-Perez, Louise Mensch, Bunny La Roche and Courtney Barrasford reveal how to trounce the trolls
Gallipoli centenary: At dawn, the young remember the young who perished in one of the First World War's bloodiest battles

At dawn, the young remember the young

A century ago, soldiers of the Empire – many no more than boys – spilt on to Gallipoli’s beaches. On this 100th Anzac Day, there are personal, poetic tributes to their sacrifice
Dissent is slowly building against the billions spent on presidential campaigns – even among politicians themselves

Follow the money as never before

Dissent is slowly building against the billions spent on presidential campaigns – even among politicians themselves, reports Rupert Cornwell
Samuel West interview: The actor and director on austerity, unionisation, and not mentioning his famous parents

Samuel West interview

The actor and director on austerity, unionisation, and not mentioning his famous parents
General Election 2015: Imagine if the leading political parties were fashion labels

Imagine if the leading political parties were fashion labels

Fashion editor, Alexander Fury, on what the leaders' appearances tell us about them
Phumzile Mlambo-Ngcuka: Home can be the unsafest place for women

Phumzile Mlambo-Ngcuka: Home can be the unsafest place for women

The architect of the HeForShe movement and head of UN Women on the world's failure to combat domestic violence