Diary: Carol can't forgive or forget

As my lecherous uncle once drunkenly slurred: "That Carol Vorderman's a very clever woman" – so I'm concerned to see the old girl is still getting herself all hot and bothered about that irksome peacock Piers Morgan. Middle England's favourite number cruncher was yesterday busy spreading the word across Twitter that the ratings for Morgan's CNN show are rubbish. The bad blood goes back several years – the former Daily Mirror editor once charmingly suggested that Carol "lost her Countdown gig to a foxy maths genius Essex girl half her age and twice as good-looking". Carol, if only for me and my increasingly confused alcoholic of an uncle – let it go!

* "A wonderful opportunity to join one of the world's most respected newspapers," read one advert that immediately caught my eye this week. Further investigation revealed that the said ad was for a communications director at Rupert Murdoch's News International, no less – which has, of course, recently been communicating on a regular basis with Scotland Yard. While less ambitious types might be quick to suggest such a role sounds like an uphill struggle following certain prison-related events, I'd be lying if I told you that I wasn't interested. Indeed, following a regrettable nightclub scuffle with a fellow punter I innocently mistook for Les Dennis the other week, I've been wondering whether it's time for this most sociable of diarists to finally make the switch from poacher to gamekeeper. Applicants need to prove they have, among other things: "proven media relations and results" – (clearly no problem there); "excellent English writing and research skills" – (swiftly moving on); and "substantial international experience" – (let's just say I'm well-connected in Puerto Banus). As of now I'm feeling quietly confident...

* What with all the name-calling going on inside the Coalition in recent days amid the increasingly hostile AV debate, yesterday's cabinet meeting could have turned ugly. Yet Downing Street aides were at pains to suggest that proceedings disappointingly got little beyond "light-hearted banter in the margins". Perhaps that was because Chris "The Hitman" Huhne wasn't present, due to a prior engagement in Brussels. Lucky for those dastardly Tories, because as Lil' Chris has been telling anyone prepared to listen, he's "ready to box their ruddy ears when he next sees them!"

* As soon as the Archbishop of Canterbury went off-message and started quoting from Doctor Who during his Easter sermon, speculation was rife that he's a fan of the show. Indeed a guest appearance by the Archbishop as a Time Lord would add much-needed gravitas to the current series. Still, battle-hardened followers of the programme suggest he's not the expert some hoped him to be. The episode mentioned was The Happiness Patrol from 1988, featuring one Sylvester McCoy, who, I respectfully suggest, was the most annoying Doctor Who in history.

* With that wedding now just around the corner, my newly recruited "very temporary royal correspondent" Paul Burrell is keen to up the ante. Clearly concerned that Prince William saw fit to present his bride-to-be with his late mother's engagement ring (no bad omen there, surely?) the former butler of Princess Diana can hold his tongue not a moment longer. "Kate will forever wear the ghost of Diana on her hand!" he shrills, before I'm forced to put the phone down. More from this most celebrated of royal insiders when we have it.

* News that the perma-tanned buffoon Gavin Henson is to be axed by his rugby club, Toulon, following a bust-up with team-mates shouldn't be regarded as the end of the road for the Welsh star. While critics suggest he's squandered his sporting talents courtesy of being "too thick", one well-connected TV executive told me only yesterday that both Gav and Lembit Opik are now top of their list for a new show "based around celebrity cage-fighting". Let the good times roll!

highstreetken@independent.co.uk

PROMOTED VIDEO
News
ebooksAn unforgettable anthology of contemporary reportage
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Independent Dating
and  

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

iJobs Job Widget
iJobs People

HR Advisor - North London / North West London

£30000 - £35000 per annum + Benefits: Ashdown Group: HR Advisor - North London...

Finance Manager - Recruitment Business (Media & Entertainment)

£28000 - £32000 per annum + negotiable: Sauce Recruitment: We have an exciting...

HR Advisor - North London / North West London

£30000 - £35000 per annum + Benefits: Ashdown Group: HR Advisor - North London...

HR Advisor - North London / North West London

£30000 - £35000 per annum + Benefits: Ashdown Group: HR Advisor - North London...

Day In a Page

Oscar Pistorius sentencing: The athlete's wealth and notoriety have provoked a long overdue debate on South African prisons

'They poured water on, then electrified me...'

If Oscar Pistorius is sent to jail, his experience will not be that of other inmates
James Wharton: The former Guard now fighting discrimination against gay soldiers

The former Guard now fighting discrimination against gay soldiers

Life after the Army has brought new battles for the LGBT activist James Wharton
Ebola in the US: Panic over the virus threatens to infect President Obama's midterms

Panic over Ebola threatens to infect the midterms

Just one person has died, yet November's elections may be affected by what Republicans call 'Obama's Katrina', says Rupert Cornwell
Premier League coaches join the RSC to swap the tricks of their trades

Darling, you were fabulous! But offside...

Premier League coaches are joining the RSC to learn acting skills, and in turn they will teach its actors to play football. Nick Clark finds out why
How to dress with authority: Kirsty Wark and Camila Batmanghelidjh discuss the changing role of fashion in women's workwear

How to dress with authority

Kirsty Wark and Camila Batmanghelidjh discuss the changing role of fashion in women's workwear
New book on Joy Division's Ian Curtis sheds new light on the life of the late singer

New book on Ian Curtis sheds fresh light on the life of the late singer

'Joy Division were making art... Ian was for real' says author Jon Savage
Sean Harris: A rare interview with British acting's secret weapon

Sean Harris: A rare interview with British acting's secret weapon

The Bafta-winner talks Hollywood, being branded a psycho, and how Barbra Streisand is his true inspiration
Tim Minchin, interview: The musician, comedian and world's favourite ginger is on scorching form

Tim Minchin interview

For a no-holds-barred comedian who is scathing about woolly thinking and oppressive religiosity, he is surprisingly gentle in person
Boris Johnson's boozing won't win the puritan vote

Boris's boozing won't win the puritan vote

Many of us Brits still disapprove of conspicuous consumption – it's the way we were raised, says DJ Taylor
Ash frontman Tim Wheeler reveals how he came to terms with his father's dementia

Tim Wheeler: Alzheimer's, memories and my dad

Wheeler's dad suffered from Alzheimer's for three years. When he died, there was only one way the Ash frontman knew how to respond: with a heartfelt solo album
Hugh Bonneville & Peter James: 'Peter loves his classic cars; I've always pootled along fine with a Mini Metro. I think I lack his panache'

How We Met: Hugh Bonneville & Peter James

'Peter loves his classic cars; I've always pootled along fine with a Mini Metro. I think I lack his panache'
Bill Granger recipes: Our chef's heavenly crab dishes don't need hours of preparation

Bill Granger's heavenly crab recipes

Scared off by the strain of shelling a crab? Let a fishmonger do the hard work so you can focus on getting the flavours right
Radamel Falcao: How faith and love drive the Colombian to glory

Radamel Falcao: How faith and love drive the Colombian to glory

After a remarkable conversion from reckless defender to prolific striker, Monaco's ace says he wants to make his loan deal at Old Trafford permanent
Terry Venables: Premier League managers must not be allowed to dictate who plays and who does not play for England

Terry Venables column

Premier League managers must not be allowed to dictate who plays and who does not play for England
The Inside Word: Brendan Rodgers looks to the future while Roy Hodgson is ghost of seasons past

Michael Calvin's Inside Word

Brendan Rodgers looks to the future while Roy Hodgson is ghost of seasons past