Diary: Carol can't forgive or forget

As my lecherous uncle once drunkenly slurred: "That Carol Vorderman's a very clever woman" – so I'm concerned to see the old girl is still getting herself all hot and bothered about that irksome peacock Piers Morgan. Middle England's favourite number cruncher was yesterday busy spreading the word across Twitter that the ratings for Morgan's CNN show are rubbish. The bad blood goes back several years – the former Daily Mirror editor once charmingly suggested that Carol "lost her Countdown gig to a foxy maths genius Essex girl half her age and twice as good-looking". Carol, if only for me and my increasingly confused alcoholic of an uncle – let it go!

* "A wonderful opportunity to join one of the world's most respected newspapers," read one advert that immediately caught my eye this week. Further investigation revealed that the said ad was for a communications director at Rupert Murdoch's News International, no less – which has, of course, recently been communicating on a regular basis with Scotland Yard. While less ambitious types might be quick to suggest such a role sounds like an uphill struggle following certain prison-related events, I'd be lying if I told you that I wasn't interested. Indeed, following a regrettable nightclub scuffle with a fellow punter I innocently mistook for Les Dennis the other week, I've been wondering whether it's time for this most sociable of diarists to finally make the switch from poacher to gamekeeper. Applicants need to prove they have, among other things: "proven media relations and results" – (clearly no problem there); "excellent English writing and research skills" – (swiftly moving on); and "substantial international experience" – (let's just say I'm well-connected in Puerto Banus). As of now I'm feeling quietly confident...

* What with all the name-calling going on inside the Coalition in recent days amid the increasingly hostile AV debate, yesterday's cabinet meeting could have turned ugly. Yet Downing Street aides were at pains to suggest that proceedings disappointingly got little beyond "light-hearted banter in the margins". Perhaps that was because Chris "The Hitman" Huhne wasn't present, due to a prior engagement in Brussels. Lucky for those dastardly Tories, because as Lil' Chris has been telling anyone prepared to listen, he's "ready to box their ruddy ears when he next sees them!"

* As soon as the Archbishop of Canterbury went off-message and started quoting from Doctor Who during his Easter sermon, speculation was rife that he's a fan of the show. Indeed a guest appearance by the Archbishop as a Time Lord would add much-needed gravitas to the current series. Still, battle-hardened followers of the programme suggest he's not the expert some hoped him to be. The episode mentioned was The Happiness Patrol from 1988, featuring one Sylvester McCoy, who, I respectfully suggest, was the most annoying Doctor Who in history.

* With that wedding now just around the corner, my newly recruited "very temporary royal correspondent" Paul Burrell is keen to up the ante. Clearly concerned that Prince William saw fit to present his bride-to-be with his late mother's engagement ring (no bad omen there, surely?) the former butler of Princess Diana can hold his tongue not a moment longer. "Kate will forever wear the ghost of Diana on her hand!" he shrills, before I'm forced to put the phone down. More from this most celebrated of royal insiders when we have it.

* News that the perma-tanned buffoon Gavin Henson is to be axed by his rugby club, Toulon, following a bust-up with team-mates shouldn't be regarded as the end of the road for the Welsh star. While critics suggest he's squandered his sporting talents courtesy of being "too thick", one well-connected TV executive told me only yesterday that both Gav and Lembit Opik are now top of their list for a new show "based around celebrity cage-fighting". Let the good times roll!

highstreetken@independent.co.uk

PROMOTED VIDEO
News
ebooksAn unforgettable anthology of contemporary reportage
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Independent Dating
and  

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

iJobs Job Widget
iJobs People

HR Manager - Kent - £45,000

£40000 - £45000 per annum: Ashdown Group: HR Manager / Training Manager (L&D /...

HR Manager - Edgware, London - £45,000

£40000 - £45000 per annum + Benefits: Ashdown Group: HR Manager - Edgware, Lon...

HR Manager - London - £40,000 + bonus

£32000 - £40000 per annum + bonus: Ashdown Group: HR Manager (Generalist) -Old...

Talent Manager / HR Manager - central London - £50,000

£45000 - £50000 per annum: Ashdown Group: Talent / Learning & Development Mana...

Day In a Page

A roller-coaster tale from the 'voice of a generation'

Not That Kind of Girl:

A roller-coaster tale from 'voice of a generation' Lena Dunham
London is not bedlam or a cradle of vice. In fact it, as much as anywhere, deserves independence

London is not bedlam or a cradle of vice

In fact it, as much as anywhere, deserves independence
Vivienne Westwood 'didn’t want' relationship with Malcolm McLaren

Vivienne Westwood 'didn’t want' relationship with McLaren

Designer 'felt pressured' into going out with Sex Pistols manager
Jourdan Dunn: Model mother

Model mother

Jordan Dunn became one of the best-paid models in the world
Apple still coolest brand – despite U2 PR disaster

Apple still the coolest brand

Despite PR disaster of free U2 album
Scottish referendum: The Yes vote was the love that dared speak its name, but it was not to be

Despite the result, this is the end of the status quo

Boyd Tonkin on the fall-out from the Scottish referendum
Manolo Blahnik: The high priest of heels talks flats, Englishness, and why he loves Mary Beard

Manolo Blahnik: Flats, Englishness, and Mary Beard

The shoe designer who has been dubbed 'the patron saint of the stiletto'
The Beatles biographer reveals exclusive original manuscripts of some of the best pop songs ever written

Scrambled eggs and LSD

Behind The Beatles' lyrics - thanks to Hunter Davis's original manuscript copies
'Normcore' fashion: Blending in is the new standing out in latest catwalk non-trend

'Normcore': Blending in is the new standing out

Just when fashion was in grave danger of running out of trends, it only went and invented the non-trend. Rebecca Gonsalves investigates
Dance’s new leading ladies fight back: How female vocalists are now writing their own hits

New leading ladies of dance fight back

How female vocalists are now writing their own hits
Mystery of the Ground Zero wedding photo

A shot in the dark

Mystery of the wedding photo from Ground Zero
His life, the universe and everything

His life, the universe and everything

New biography sheds light on comic genius of Douglas Adams
Save us from small screen superheroes

Save us from small screen superheroes

Shows like Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D are little more than marketing tools
Reach for the skies

Reach for the skies

From pools to football pitches, rooftop living is looking up
These are the 12 best hotel spas in the UK

12 best hotel spas in the UK

Some hotels go all out on facilities; others stand out for the sheer quality of treatments