The PM's new pal David Hasselhoff is, surreally, the subject of an Early Day Motion, tabled on Tuesday by David Morris, MP for Morecambe – and reportedly a friend of the Hoff's since the 1980s.
The motion noted the recovering alcoholic and Baywatch Nights star's support for the reopening of the Morecambe Winter Gardens theatre. This ringing celebrity endorsement, Morris suggested, "demonstrates the international significance of the Winter Gardens".
Doubtless the theatre is close to the Hoff's heart, though the motion did put me in mind of a press release forwarded to this column from his people last month. The Hoff, said press release revealed, was "delighted to be extending his stay in the UK [for] Britain's Got Talent... David is available for press, PR, branding, corporate appearances and sponsorship opportunities in the UK during this period."
They didn't mention weddings or bar mitzvahs, but I imagine his rates are very reasonable.
* Miliband (E), it was widely agreed, made a jolly fine joke at the expense of two Prime Ministers at this week's PMQs. "He shouldn't get so angry," the Labour leader said of a tetchy Dave Cameron, "it clouds his judgement. He's not the first Prime Minister I've said that to." A winning line, they said; the revenge of the nerd. But if you think young Miliband (E) is developing a witty, off-the-cuff parliamentary style, think again. I'm reliably informed that this pin to the PM's ego was penned by Labour's spin supremo Tom Baldwin – two whole weeks ago. Still, it's all in the timing.
* The unfailingly diligent Conservative press office was in touch yesterday to remind me of the Labour Party's links to dastardly Socialist regimes the world over, including those of Tunisia's former President Ben Ali and Egypt's President (at time of writing) Mubarak. "It has now emerged," they helpfully notified me, "that Labour's Socialist International [a global federation of 170 social democratic, socialist and labour parties], which counts Gordon Brown as its vice-president, includes a worldwide web of authoritarian regimes." Among them are despotic-leaning leaders from Ivory Coast, Nicaragua, Russia and the Central African Republic. Dreadful stuff – though, in the interests of balance, I ought to remind readers of the Tories' even closer links to unsavoury elements in the Conservatives and Reformists group of the European Parliament – some of them accused of homophobia, racism and anti-Semitism. Did someone say Pinochet?
* When the PM's current favourite band, Mumford and Sons, last graced this column, it was because The Fall's irascible frontman, Mark E Smith, had thrown a bottle at them, assuming they were "a load of retarded Irish folk singers". This weekend, Mr Smith will be somewhat shocked to learn, the Mumfords are duetting with Bob Dylan at the Grammys. When Dylan, 70 this year, released his Christmas album in 2009, many wondered whether he'd finally gone mad. They're still wondering.
* This tweet from Shane Warne, Australian spinner and paparazzo-magnet, currently courting Liz Hurley in Melbourne: "Apologies to anyone driving on the rd & witnessing the ridiculous behavior [sic] by irresponsible photographers trying to get a pic!!!!!" Those irresponsible photographers can be a drag, can't they? Still, if you're trying to avoid them, perhaps it's best not to advertise your destination to your 321,581 Twitter followers. This, from a few hours previously: "Where is the sexiest place to take Elizabeth for lunch? Suggestions please? Chapel St? Crown?" Never the sharpest tool in the box, that Shane.
* More on the Prime Minister, who, reveals Kevin Maguire in The New Statesman, does a mean Ken Clarke impression. John Redwood's "John Major" was always thought to be very fine, and it's often said that 1922 Committee chairman Graham Brady prides himself on his Bremner-worthy William Hague. So much talent! There a panto in this, surely. I hear David Hasselhoff is available.