Pandora: Vaz-a-voom!

(© Tim Sanders)

Poor old Tory squillionaire Lord Laidlaw, 65, was exposed by Sunday's News Of The World as a Viagra-chomping sex addict. The exposé is notable for three things: the first documented instance of the phrase "trilingual bisexual"; Laidlaw's stamina; and the fella's plan to give £1m of his £730m fortune to a relevant charity.

The blue pills could be handy for a busy parliamentarian. The former Europe minister, Keith Vaz, has penned a diary in the latest issue of The House magazine. The diabetic reveals that his doctor offered him a packet of the famed impotence-busters, but insists he declined, explaining: "Apparently, diabetes affects your sex drive." He adds: "I always thought it was [squinty Labour whip] Tommy McAvoy." Affects your sex drive which way?

Celebrate British sport – and boost Labour's bank account

And here comes Lord Cashpoint ... Some donors are on the pitch ... They think it's all over ...

Not if Dick Caborn has anything to do about it. The Sheffield Central MP and former sports minister – who fronts England's bid to host the 2018 World Cup – invites us to a glitzy bash "celebrating British sporting achievement" at Wembley Stadium in July.

Sports luminaries will attend: Sir Alex Ferguson, Dickie Bird, Steve Cram ... Tessa Sanderson ... Niall Quinn. Paying punters can buy a seat at a table with a "host", pre-dinner champagne hob-nobbing, guided tour and a photo with VIPs.

The cost? Platinum tables are £15,000, Gold at £12,000, and Silver £10,000. Individual tickets are £1,000.

The small print explains: "The financial breakdown of the table packages and the individual tickets available for this event classifies the amount stated below as a donation to the Labour Party with the remainder covering the costs of the event and the commercial benefits received by the buyer." A-ha! A Labour fundraiser to ease the party's woes!

Caborn and Sir Alex held a similar party last July, igniting controversy when the non-political England cricketer Monty Panesar was listed as an event ambassador. He withdrew.

The Tory shadow Sports Minister Hugh Robertson sought and received written assurances from FA chief exec Brian Barwick that the venue would not again be used for such a party political promotion. Offside, ref.

Fore! Alice's swing gives Gruffudd a great shiner

Like a machete perforating the Mona Lisa smile, a domestic mishap has blemished the famously chiselled features of the Welsh thespian Ioan Gruffudd.

The actor, 34, who played William Wilberforce in Amazing Grace, sported heavy make-up at Sunday night's Welsh Baftas in Cardiff, where he picked up the Tlws Siâ*Phillips Award (pronounciation, anyone?) for his contribution to film. Beneath the slap on his left cheek, there was an unmistakable shiner of a black eye.

The explanation? His wife, the actress Alice Evans, 36, apparently whacked him in the face with a golf club – but it was an accident, mercy be. The couple married in Mexico in September, and there is clearly no trouble in paradise.

Collecting his gong, Gruffudd paid tribute to Evans, who was back home in Los Angeles: "Love you, baby angel."

Fetch my nine iron...

Driven round the bend

Do I hear the (sadly) immortal catchphrase of Richard Wilson's alter ego, Victor Meldrew, bellowing across the English countryside as he shudders and jolts to a halt along a pretty lane?

The One Foot In The Grave actor has been filming a new series for BBC4, Britain's Best Drives, in which he takes to our open roads, 1958 map in hand, behind the wheels of an assortment of vintage cars (Morris Traveller, VW Camper Van, Bentley etc).

This threw a proverbial spanner in the works. Surprisingly, for a man of 71 years, Wilson knew only how to drive an automatic (every car since his second has been so) and producers had to sign him up for a manual gearbox driving course. "He had to learn," says a spokesman. "The last episode will show him trying to master it."

On your bike

The Foreign Secretary's persuasive powers are often put to fine use cajoling Iranian ayatollahs, North Korean nuke-lovers and African autocrats. What, then, to make of the weekend scene in north London, as David Miliband pleaded in vain with his son Isaac, three, to get back on his bicycle?

Also spotted: Jeremy Paxman slumped with his arms crossed, head cocked, chin in hand, watching treachery, backstabbing and gory fratricide. No, not another day observing Westminster shenanigans, but a fourth-row seat at the Royal Shakespeare Company's vigorous production of Richard III. Richard Plantagenet's brother Clarence gets his stomach slit – a messy deed performed in front of Paxman. Clarence is slaughtered wearing grey briefs with a saggy gusset.