The banned list: 10 annoying things that should be illegal

 

The Government has been urged to introduce legislation to outlaw wolf-whistling and "unwanted verbal... conduct with the effect of violating the dignity of a person". Seems a bit excessive, but why stop there? There are plenty of other modern annoyances that could, to rather greater benefit, also be made illegal. There is much scope here for manifesto writers. For instance....

The Wheeled Cases (Prohibition) Order

First they were a boon to those who couldn't lift heavy objects; then wheels became standard on all suitcases; now they are fitted to handbags, briefcases, and holdalls of ever diminishing size. Result? Crossing any airport or station concourse is a sort of human Grand National. Henceforth, only those carrying a Wheeled Case Dispensation Licence will be able to traipse around with these things around behind them.

Portrayal of Men as Brainless Beer-lovers in Advertising Act

For years, "creatives" in the advertising industry have thought it terribly original to portray men as poor saps only interested in beer, football, ogling women, and overpriced grooming products. This will now be illegal under new gender self-hatred legislation.

BMW Scrappage Scheme

It has been noticed that a high proportion of ill-mannered and inconsiderate road users drive second-hand BMWs. A number of schemes to try and rein in their bullying tendencies have been tried, without success. Therefore, from 1 June 2013, no BMWs registered before 2012 will be allowed on British roads. A scrappage scheme will be available to all drivers prepared to go on an Other Human Beings Awareness Course.

Escalator Nuisance Removal Order

The long-established code – stationary pedestrians to the right, the forwardly ambient to the left – is widely flouted. Therefore, under a new Order in Council, the Government's "Nudge" Unit will be deployed to Underground stations gently to shove lane-blockers over to the right, thus clearing the way for those of us with a train to catch.

Prevention of Offences Against the Prevention of Terrorism Act

You know who you are. You reach the front of a lengthy airport security queue and have to be reminded to remove belt, jacket, coins from pocket, dismantle bondage gear, piercings in private places, and receive the apparently surprising news about liquids in excess of 100ml. Under the new Act, you will be made to go back to the rear of the queue, and start again.

Misuse of Alleged Customer Service Improvements Act

Banks habitually send letters saying that "in order to improve customer service" you should not call your branch, but an 0845 number, pass a series of automated security checks, and hang on at least nine minutes before getting to talk to someone several thousand miles away who claims their name is Eric. Under the Act, banks will be forced to admit that this is all being done to cut costs and extract more revenue from impotent customers.

Use of Highways by Overlarge 4x4s Amendment Act

A number of accidents, and millions of minor nuisances, have occurred due to the growth of excessively large 4x4s on the road. These are now far bigger than the vehicles on which people passed their driving test. Henceforth, those driving outsized 4x4s will be required to hold a HGV licence, and wear a reflective tabard so they can be seen trying to peer over the steering wheel.

Hot Food (Eating at Desk) Directive

You may be hungry, and you may be busy, but that is no excuse for imposing on your colleagues the odour of your meal while you eat it, nor the dirty plate shoved to one side once you've finished. The eating of all pungent comestibles will henceforward have to be carried out in a designated "canteen" environment.

Hypocritical Corporate Economy Drive Act

A large number of companies are whittling away at the kind of small-scale expenditure which makes corporate life pleasant and efficient, and insisting such things are cut. The same companies then pay their directors large six- or even seven-figure salaries. As part of the Government's We Are All In This Together (No Really) Initiative, those companies employing more than 20 staff will not be able to pay for the salaries, perks, mistresses, and pensions of their directors by the enforcing of footling economies.

The Equinoctial Unavailability Directive (Retail)

Not being able to buy a swimsuit in July, or a winter coat when it snows, because the autumn/spring collections are in-store is causing widespread annoyance. Under the Directive, stores will be issued with a statutory temperature scale, under which a full range of beachwear must be available if the mean monthly temperature is in excess of 16C, and winter apparel must be stocked until the May Bank Holiday.

Start your day with The Independent, sign up for daily news emails
News
people
News
John Rees-Evans is standing for Ukip in Cardiff South and Penarth
news
Arts and Entertainment
Bianca Miller and Katie Bulmer-Cooke are scrutinised by Lord Sugar's aide Nick Hewer on The Apprentice final
tvBut Bianca Miller has taken on board his comments over pricing
Life and Style
Approaching sale shopping in a smart way means that you’ll get the most out of your money
life + styleSales shopping tips and tricks from the experts
PROMOTED VIDEO
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
ebooks
ebooksA year of political gossip, levity and intrigue from the sharpest pen in Westminster
News
Elton John and David Furnish exchange marriage vows
peopleSinger posts pictures of nuptials throughout the day
News
in picturesWounded and mangy husky puppy rescued from dump
Sport
David Silva, Andy Carroll, Arsene Wenger and Radamel Falcao
football
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Independent Dating
and  

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: Photo Booth Host

Negotiable: Recruitment Genius: This company offers London's best photo booth ...

Recruitment Genius: Domestic Gas Service Engineers



£25000 - £30000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: Domestic Gas Service Engineers ...

Recruitment Genius: Project Director / Operations Director

£50000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This is an incredible opportunity for a ...

Recruitment Genius: Sales Administrator

£16000 - £17000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A Sales Administrator is requir...

Day In a Page

Surrounded by high-rise flats is a little house filled with Lebanon’s history - clocks, rifles, frogmen’s uniforms and colonial helmets

Clocks, rifles, swords, frogmen’s uniforms

Surrounded by high-rise flats is a little house filled with Lebanon’s history
Return to Gaza: Four months on, the wounds left by Israel's bombardment have not yet healed

Four months after the bombardment, Gaza’s wounds are yet to heal

Kim Sengupta is reunited with a man whose plight mirrors the suffering of the Palestinian people
Gastric surgery: Is it really the answer to the UK's obesity epidemic?

Is gastric surgery really the answer to the UK's obesity epidemic?

Critics argue that it’s crazy to operate on healthy people just to stop them eating
Homeless Veterans appeal: Christmas charity auction Part 2 - now LIVE

Homeless Veterans appeal: Christmas charity auction

Bid on original art, or trips of a lifetime to Africa or the 'Corrie' set, and help Homeless Veterans
Pantomime rings the changes to welcome autistic theatre-goers

Autism-friendly theatre

Pantomime leads the pack in quest to welcome all
The week Hollywood got scared and had to grow up a bit

The week Hollywood got scared and had to grow up a bit

Sony suffered a chorus of disapproval after it withdrew 'The Interview', but it's not too late for it to take a stand, says Joan Smith
From Widow Twankey to Mother Goose, how do the men who play panto dames get themselves ready for the performance of a lifetime?

Panto dames: before and after

From Widow Twankey to Mother Goose, how do the men who play panto dames get themselves ready for the performance of a lifetime?
Thirties murder mystery novel is surprise runaway Christmas hit

Thirties murder mystery novel is surprise runaway Christmas hit

Booksellers say readers are turning away from dark modern thrillers and back to the golden age of crime writing
Anne-Marie Huby: 'Charities deserve the best,' says founder of JustGiving

Anne-Marie Huby: 'Charities deserve the best'

Ten million of us have used the JustGiving website to donate to good causes. Its co-founder says that being dynamic is as important as being kind
The botanist who hunts for giant trees at Kew Gardens

The man who hunts giants

A Kew Gardens botanist has found 25 new large tree species - and he's sure there are more out there
The 12 ways of Christmas: Spare a thought for those who will be working to keep others safe during the festive season

The 12 ways of Christmas

We speak to a dozen people who will be working to keep others safe, happy and healthy over the holidays
Birdwatching men have a lot in common with their feathered friends, new study shows

The male exhibits strange behaviour

A new study shows that birdwatching men have a lot in common with their feathered friends...
Diaries of Evelyn Waugh, Virginia Woolf and Noël Coward reveal how they coped with the December blues

Famous diaries: Christmas week in history

Noël Coward parties into the night, Alan Clark bemoans the cost of servants, Evelyn Waugh ponders his drinking…
From noble to narky, the fall of the open letter

From noble to narky, the fall of the open letter

The great tradition of St Paul and Zola reached its nadir with a hungry worker's rant to Russell Brand, says DJ Taylor
A Christmas ghost story by Alison Moore: A prodigal daughter has a breakthrough

A Christmas ghost story by Alison Moore

The story was published earlier this month in 'Poor Souls' Light: Seven Curious Tales'