It was meant to be another long day at the coalface but the Blairite stooges, the MSM conspirators and the Red Tories were six deep in every bar in Westminster by half past twelve.
Some of them might even have worked out they’d be in for a quiet day the moment Jeremy Corbyn stood up straight at the despatch box, wearing a proper suit, his tie done up. “Guys, guys, you take the afternoon off,” he all but told the Biased British Media as he deftly picked up the grammar school question, turned it into a defeat that can only be described as comprehensive and flung it at Theresa May as if it were Mao’s Red Book.
By the time the Prime Minister had been pinned against the ropes for so long she was visibly grimacing at the prospect of having to deliver her own horrific pre-scripted gags (more on those later), the leaders of the MSM conspiracy were already singing Zip a dee doo dah and splashing about half cut in the Trafalgar Square fountains. Funny how, the moment Jeremy Corbyn actually does a good job, The Establishment That Is Running Scared of him just melts away.
Grammar schools were meant to divert attention from Brexit. It could scarcely have been a worse choice. Virtually nothing can unite the Labour Party in 2016, but this will, and it did.
These are divisive times we live in, and Mr Corbyn congratulated the Prime Minister for bringing unity. “Unity between Ofsted and the teaching unions ... unity between former education secretaries on both sides of the House. She has truly brought about a new era of unity in education thinking,” he told her. Jeremy Corbyn doesn't do humour, but in its place sarcasm will certainly do.
The most ridiculous claims made about Jeremy Corbyn
The most ridiculous claims made about Jeremy Corbyn
1/11 He called Hezbollah and Hamas ‘friends’
True. In a speech made to the Stop the War Coalition in 2009, Mr Corbyn called representatives from both groups “friends” after inviting them to Parliament. He later told Channel 4 he wanted both groups, who have factions designated as international terror organisations, to be “part of the debate” for the Middle East peace process. “I use (the word ‘friends’) in a collective way, saying our friends are prepared to talk,” he added. “Does it mean I agree with Hamas and what it does? No. Does it mean I agree with Hezbollah and what they do? No.”
2/11 ‘Jeremy Corbyn thinks the death of Osama bin Laden was a tragedy’
Partly false. David Cameron used this as a line of attack at the Conservative Party conference but appears to have left out all context from Mr Corbyn’s original remarks. In an 2011 interview on Iranian television, the then-backbencher said the fact the al-Qaeda leader was not put on trial was the tragedy, continuing: “The World Trade Center was a tragedy, the attack on Afghanistan was a tragedy, the war in Iraq was a tragedy.”
3/11 He is ‘haunted’ by the legacy of his ‘evil’ great-great-grandfather
False. A Daily Express exposé revealed that the Labour leader’s ancestor, James Sargent, was the “despotic” master of a Victorian workhouse. Addressing the report at the Labour conference, Mr Corbyn said he had never heard of him before, adding: “I want to take this opportunity to apologise for not doing the decent thing and going back in time and having a chat with him about his appalling behaviour.”
4/11 Jeremy Corbyn raised a motion about ‘pigeon bombs’ in Parliament
This one is true. On 21 May 2004, Mr Corbyn raised an early day motion entitled “pigeon bombs”, proposing that the House register being “appalled but barely surprised” that MI5 reportedly proposed to load pigeons with explosives as a weapon. The motion continued: “The House… believes that humans represent the most obscene, perverted, cruel, uncivilised and lethal species ever to inhabit the planet and looks forward to the day when the inevitable asteroid slams into the earth and wipes them out thus giving nature the opportunity to start again.” It was not carried.
5/11 He rides a Communist bicycle
False. A report in The Times referred to Mr Corbyn, known for his cycling, riding a “Chairman Mao-style bicycle” earlier this year. “Less thorough journalists might have referred to it as just a bicycle, but no, so we have to conclude that whenever we see somebody on a bicycle from now on, there goes another supporter of Chairman Mao,” he later joked.
6/11 'Jeremy Corbyn will appoint a special minister for Jews'
False so far. The Sun report in December was allegedly based on a “rumour” passed to the paper by a Daily Express columnist who has written pieces critical of the Labour leader in the past. The minister did not materialise in his shadow cabinet.
7/11 ‘Jeremy Corbyn wishes Britain would abolish its Army’
False. Another gem from The Sun took comments made at a Hiroshima remembrance parade in August 2012 where Mr Corbyn supported Costa Rica’s move to abolish it armed forces. “Wouldn’t it be wonderful if every politician around the world…abolished the army and took pride in the fact that they don’t have an army,” he added. The caveat that “every politician” must take the step suggests Mr Corbyn does not support UK disarmament just yet.
8/11 Jeremy Corbyn stole sandwiches meant for veterans
False. The Guido Fawkes blog claimed that the Labour leader took sandwiches meant for veterans at at Battle of Britain memorial service in September but a photo later emerged showing him being handed one by Costa volunteers, who later confirmed they were given to all guests.
9/11 He missed the induction into the Queen’s privy council
True. After much speculation about Mr Corbyn’s republican views and willingness to bow to the monarch, his office confirmed that he did not attend the official induction to the privy council because of a prior engagement, but did not rule out joining the body.
10/11 Jeremy Corbyn refuses to sing the national anthem.
Partly true. The Labour leader was filmed standing in silence as God Save the Queen was sung at a Battle of Britain remembrance service but will reportedly sing it in future. Mr Corbyn was elusive on the issue in an interview, saying he would show memorials “respect in the proper way”, but sources said he would sing the anthem at future occasions.
11/11 He is a member of the All-Party Parliamentary Group for Cheese
True. The group lists its purpose as the following: “To increase awareness of issues surrounding the dairy industry and focus on economic issues affecting the dairy industry and producers.”
There was also unity on the Labour benches and disunity on hers. To the Prime Minister's left hand side Priti Patel looked panicked. When Priti Patel can tell you’re in trouble, you’re definitely in trouble.
Grammar schoolboy Mr Corbyn was accused of “pulling up the ladder behind him”.
“This is not about pulling up ladders,” he told Ms May. “It is about providing a ladder for every child.”
Behind him, his benches rose like Sleeping Beauty from their year-long coma.
In Ms May’s defence, she is new in the job and there is not much in the manual for handling Corbyn on top form. It simply hasn’t happened before. A more nimble operator might have considered pulling the plug on her pre-written jokes. But she is not a nimble operator. “Let us think of some of the things he has introduced,” she said. “He wants coal mines without mining them, submarines without sailing them, and he wants to be Labour leader without leading them.” As she did so her face writhed in agonised contortions. No one even extended her the courtesy of a groan.
I’ve said this before, but it it’s still true: someone on the public purse actually gets paid to come up with this stuff. It is truly the scandal of our age.
This won’t be the last time in the coming years that Theresa May is there for the taking. Trouble is, it’s mainly going to be on Brexit, and whenever that's on the agenda, even the most optimistic Blairite stooge won’t be expecting to knock off early.