Sketch: No more tedious Queen anecdotes? Let's call it a day then shall we?

Five hours of parliamentary time had been set aside for 'an humble tribute to Her Majesty on the occasion of her ninetieth birthday' but they only needed two

The Labour leader also joked the Queen was an avid Arsenal supporter (BBC)

No one forced our nation’s MPs to give a five hour long tribute to the Queen on the occasion of her 90th birthday, but at least they were thoughtful enough to hold it in the only room in the land from which she is constitutionally forbidden to enter.

Not all of us are so lucky, but the thoughtfulness didn’t end there. Barely halfway through the five hours allocated to the ‘humble tribute’, it had to be wound up early for a lack of speakers.

At least I think it was due to a lack of speakers. It is very much possible that, having listened to Conservative MP Michael Ellis tell the most tedious anecdote in both parliamentary and human history, Speaker John Bercow had imagined time was up. Whenever anyone else is speaking, particularly Jeremy Corbyn, Mr Ellis is by some margin the most uncouth, boorish, flesh-crawlingly unbearable person in the House. It was surprisingly kind then, that when his tale on how a stained glass window with the Queen’s coat of arms on was almost installed with the unicorn’s chain the wrong way round but in the end it wasn't entered its tenth minute, no one gently pointed out that it was not about the Queen at all, but himself.

Not to be outdone, Cheryl Gillan rose to explain the even greater significance of the occasion than many had previously realised: “It’s my birthday too,” she said.

Earlier William Wragg had opined on Her Majesty’s opening of a railway station at Hazel Grove. Maggie Throup lamented that the Queen had never visited her constituency of Erewash, but she is very much welcome “during this celebratory year to officially open the new Ilkeston train station.”

Predictably, the finest speech of the day came from Jeremy Corbyn. It had been suggested the Labour leader, a devout Republican who powerfully resents singing the national anthem, might find it difficult to heap praise upon an institution he so profoundly loathes. But it was nothing if not in keeping with his leadership that the one task thus far at which he is universally considered to have succeeded should be in paying tribute to the Queen. He even put on a proper suit and did up his tie for the occasion.

"In 2006, she was due to open the new Emirates Stadium in my constituency, but had to pull out due to an injury,” he said. “Unfortunately, that is a fate that has afflicted far too many of Arsenal’s squad in subsequent years. We know that the Queen is absolutely above politics. She may be above football, too, but many locals harbour a quiet, secret view that she is actually privately a Gooner.”

It is well known that in recent times Her Majesty likes to tell all new Prime Ministers that “my first was Winston Churchill.” Mr Corbyn phrased it a little differently. “In her reign, the Queen has seen off 12 Prime Ministers,” he said, pausing as he did so, for a glance over the despatch box at David Cameron. Number thirteen is coming.

Nicholas Soames, who you may or may not know is Winston Churchill’s grandson, depending on whether or not you’ve ever spent more than ten seconds in his company, naturally could not resist the opportunity to remind us all of that fact of which no means needs reminding. At a dinner hosted by the Queen in 1955 in honour of Churchill’s retirement from the house he had raised a toast, “To the wise and kindly way of life, of which your Majesty is the young and gleaming champion.”

It was no great surprise that the Queen’s primary achievement as far as most were concerned was “living through change," the implication being she might have had some choice or role in the matter. Lib Dem leader Tim Farron congratulated her on, “Seeing Britain lead the world by becoming the first G7 country to commit 0.7% of GDP to international development aid.”

Nigel Huddleston was thrilled to point out she has, “2.2 million followers on Twitter—and growing—and 2.7 million likes on Facebook.” Indeed, by 10am, every single member of the Cabinet had tweeted their congratulations to her. At time of writing, she has not replied to any of them. Long may she reign.