Dom Joly: Fat pay cheques and sweet nothings when David phones Posh

"Babes, it's me, David." "David... David the stylist?' "No babes... David... Fluffles...."

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I have struck pay dirt. Somebody gave me a code that allows me to listen in to David Beckham's mobile. I got really excited as I was hoping to hear some saucy chat with the likes of Rebecca Loos about milking his little "pigs". It wasn't quite what I was expecting, but then nothing ever is.

Phone rings.

Posh: "Hello..."

Becks: "Hello babes, it's me..."

Posh: "Who is this? How did you get this number?"

Becks: "Babes, it's me, David."

Posh: "David... David the stylist?'

Becks: "No babes... David... Fluffles...."

Posh: "Oh right... what do you want? I'm busy, Jamie is doing my new hairstyle, I'm going La Roux..."

Becks: "Oh right... I'm kind of over changing the hairstyle. Mr Capello told me that I should get more serious as he sees me as an elder statesman figure... like Nelson Mandela."

Posh: "David... Nelson Mandela is black... I know 'cos I met him back in Spice Time. It was really embarrassing, actually, as Geri was all over him like a rash."

Becks: "I know he's black, babes, I met him with Bono."

Posh: "Right... whatever, what do you want? I'm really busy and you're only supposed to ring on Wednesdays."

Becks: "Yeah I know, babes, but it's that I'm off to South Africa with the lads. Mr Capello wants me to play an important part in the campaign."

Posh: "What campaign? You're not doing another sunglasses ad are you? We agreed with the lawyer man that if you did another sunglasses deal I'd be fifty-fifty on it. You can't get out of that, David..."

Becks: "No babes... it's the World Cup..."

Posh: "Oh... right."

Becks: "Mr Capello wants me to be a kind of something to lean on for the lads."

Posh: "What, like a wall?"

Becks: "No babes... like giving them advice, helping them through it. Because I've done it so many times."

Posh: "But you didn't win it, did you?"

Becks: "No babes..."

Posh: "So what are you going to give them advice about?"

Becks: "Just about the whole thing, how they're feeling, how to deal with stuff... you know."

Posh: "What, so you're like a sycia... pys... pschia... head doctor?"

Becks: "Well... in a way, yeah, you could say that."

Posh: "How much are they paying you?"

Becks: "They're not, babes... it's for the country... it's my duty... it's a real honour, babes."

Posh: "Your duty? Your duty is to provide cash for me, Romeo, Brooklyn and wassissname. You tell them you need money or it's no deal."

Becks: "You don't understand, babes. It's a real honour, it's my duty as an Englishman, lions on my heart and all that..."

Posh: "What the hell are you talking about, you moron? Since when do we do stuff for free? Next thing you know I'm going to be paying for my Louis luggage. It's a slippery slope, David."

Becks: "Oh, are you skiing?"

Posh: "What?"

Becks: "You said you were on a slippery slope, are you in the Alps?"

Posh: "No you goat, it's an expression, I don't know how to ski anyway... you know that."

Becks: "I didn't know that, actually, babes... I haven't really seen you for quite a while and actually Mr Wobbly is keen to hide his helmet soon..."

Posh: "Don't be disgusting David, go do some sex texting with somebody if you're feeling like that. You know it's bad for my skin so don't start all this again..."

Becks: "Sorry, babe, it's just hard sometimes..."

Posh: "David, you're revolting."

Becks: "Oh no babe... I didn't mean down there... I meant it's hard... it's tough... not doing stuff..."

Posh: "Right, I'm going to hang up now, David."

Becks: "All right, babes, but just to let you know that I won't be round on Thursday as I'm at the World Cup, just in case you're wondering where I am."

Posh: "You've already told me this, David."

Becks: "Yeah I know... I guess I was just wondering whether you'd all like to come out with me... they'll pay for a hotel and stuff."

Posh: "Come out to Africa... No way. I went there once and that was enough. It's a dangerous country, David... I saw something on the telly last night and it was Lenny Henry and he looked really unhappy and he's an African, so if he doesn't like it... and anyway my hair frizzes there and I'm doing the La Roux and it's got to be stick up, not frizz down..."

Becks: "All right, babes, just thought I'd ask."

Posh: "Well, don't think that because I said no that you can do things out there with girls..."

Becks: "No babes... I'm going now... my dry cleaning has arrived..."