Dom Joly: World Cup calls but Dubya's on a mission to stay out of Africa

Weird World of Sport: "I knew a guy went to Cape Town and he got his ass chewed off by a baboon. Africa is a real dangerous place – it's where lions come from..."

This week – the mother lode. I'm spinning the dial on my new contraption that allows me to listen in to any mobile telephone call in the world and I stumble upon George W Bush.

Phone rings.

"Hello..."

"Hello President Bush? It's an honour to speak to you sir..."

"Hello..."

"President Bush..."

"Hello..."

"Sir ... can you hear me sir?"

"Hello ... do you want my dad?"

"No sir this is Cliff Farley sir, I am the functionary that President Obama allocated to be your liaison for the World Cup."

"Hey ... that's good ... what is it?"

"Sir ... it's the World Cup ... of soccer."

"Hello?"

"Sir, President Bush sir... I wanted to speak with you about which games you would like to attend and whether there were any people you would specifically like to meet?"

"My favourite game is KerPlunk..."

"Yes sir, that is indeed a great game but are there any soccer games you would like to attend?"

"I don't think I wanna start playing soccer now but thank you so much for enquiring, besides, it's a girls game. I could ask Laura? "

"No sir, not to play - just to attend in your role as former President. President Obama was very keen that you go..."

"I once met a guy from Africa ... he was a nice guy ... he was a black fellow."

"Yes sir ... would you like to meet any of the visiting celebrities?"

"I do not ever want to see the man in orange glasses again..."

"Who is that sir?"

"The singer from Ireland ... Bonio."

"Bono sir?"

"My physician says that he is bad for my health. Every time he speaks I want to lie down and rest..."

"OK sir so, no to Bono..."

"I would like some lemonade..."

"Sir ... excuse me but I just need to know which matches you wish to attend. This is a delicate matter sir but... The USA will probably not last that long as this is a sort of World Series where the whole world is actually involved..."

"Yes... I understand ... I will speak with my friend Tony Blair and he will organise it..."

"Organise what sir?"

"He is my friend and he will make sure that we will win the event. He is very good at doing that sort of thing."

"Uuhhmm ... OK sir ... Tony Blair is not Prime Minister any more sir..."

"Good ... I never liked him, he was all teeth no face. Maybe I will speak to Clinton, he can make things happen."

"Sir ... President Clinton is no longer President either sir..."

"No, no ... the Clinton here ... one second please Coop ... CLINTON... I need some lemonade! ... Ok now. Who are you again and what time is supper?"

"Sir ... Mr President...would you like to come to any of the soccer matches?"

"I would love to Clive but I think I am little past playing contact sports. Why don't you come round and we can play a game of KerPlunk? Last week I beat Condi and Cheney ... Dick was really pissed I can tell you ... he started threatening me and the men in sunglasses had to remove him from the games room."

"Yes, very good Mr President..."

"Is the President on the line? Obama you nincompoop, what the hell are you doing listening in on my private calls?"

"No Mr President ... you are the Mr President that I was referring to."

"I am ... The President?"

"No sir ... but you are still called that as an honorific title."

"What time is it?"

"It is seven o'clock Mid Western time sir."

"Seven o'clock! I must go, my favourite television programme is on the magic box... Do you watch Iron Chef? It's a humdinger ... there are several chefs who battle it out against each other in a studio environment ... it's kinda like WWF with chefs... I find it most relaxing ... in a good way ... unlike the orange glasses man."

"Sir ... I'm very sorry but I just need to know whether you wish to fly to South Africa? It's my job and I really need to know sir..."

"Of course you do ... of course you do ... forgive me, I don't speak to that many new people nowadays, I must be boring you."

"No sir, never..."

"Oh good then do you wanna sit with me while I watch Iron Chef?"

"Sit with you ... on the phone sir?"

"Whatever you want Chris, you can come round if you like, I'll barbecue?"

"Sir ... I'm in DC."

"I'm in Dallas."

"I know that sir."

"I knew a guy went to Cape Town and he got his ass chewed off by a baboon. Those critters steal shit from your car. Africa is a real dangerous place – it's where lions come from..."

"I believe that President Obama specifically requested you make this trip sir – he said that you were the kind of guy he wanted over there..."

"Did he now? Well ... I guess I ain't that busy and it's been a while since I left the compound..."