The bluffer’s guide to London Fashion Week

view gallery VIEW GALLERY

Get ahead of the international style pack with Alexander Fury’s indispensable crib sheet of what to say, wear and do when braving the catwalk jungle circa spring/summer 2014. Which, in case your calendar claims otherwise, arrives in the capital on Friday..

THE LOOK

CATWALK CAST -OFFS

The ultimate mark of catwalk kudos is five-finger fashion – the ability to filch samples from designers moments after they appear on the catwalk. Anna Dello Russo is your go-to girl, sporting looks still warm from the models’ backsides. It’s the high-fashion equivalent of big-game hunting. Save the big guns for the Chanel show in Paris. And wear shades to shield yourself from the street-style paps.

SENSIBLE SHOES

Expect fashion week to bring glamazons gingerly picking their way across the Somerset House cobblestones in higher-than-high heels? Think again. The press cadre don’t have time for geishagait platforms: brogues and trainers all the way. Easier to run for shows, cabs, cars, planes….

OLD CLOTHES

After all that kerfuffle, isn’t there something last season about wearing next season this season? Half the time you see someone sporting something amazing, it’s five-season-old Miu Miu, or sale-rack Fendi .

THE TALK

OBVZ

An abbreviation of “obviously”. Because it’s difficult to finish entire words on such a packed schedule (59 London shows at last count – New York runs into the hundreds). Plus fits better in a tweet #efficient

THE FASHIONS / TROUSER

This season, London Fashion Week is brought to you by the letter “S”. It is S/S 2014 after all. But dropping or adding the 19th letter of the alphabet is all-important. Trousers become “trouser” in fashion – much more decisive, sounds better when shouted across a crowded catwalk. And fashion itself becomes “The Fashions”, all-round terminology for the four-city fashion circus taken up en masse by the Brits. Elle Collections even used it as the title for the tug-out newspaper in their latest issue.

FASHION WEAK

A personal favourite, if only expressed via text: the inevitable flop that happens around the 7pm shows (with two hours of a 13-hour working day still to go). Alas, designers tend to serve champagne instead of turpentine-strength coffee at this point in the day. It does little to help.

THE MANNERS

NO KIDS

They may be coining catchphrases, but children at fashion shows are unacceptable. Natalie Massenet, who tries to cajole all of London into frocking-up come fashion week, said that the shows are a big fancy-pants trade show. No kids allowed.

NO TEARS

This excludes the models: shoehorned into too-tight frocks and two-small shoes with pins embedded in every acupuncture no-no spot. A few tears are permitted. One model allegedly vomited at a Dior couture show because her corset was too tight. But for us mere mortals, PR powerhouse Kelly Cutrone’s words stand true: if you have to cry, go outside.

NO TIME

Don’t walk, run. Time waits for no man, nor woman. And I’d rather not be dawdling behind you either. There are fashions to be seen.

Discover more property articles at Homes and Property
Property search
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
SPONSORED FEATURES
Independent Dating
and  

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: ICT Infrastructure Manager

£27000 - £32000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This Edinburgh city centre Scho...

SThree: Trainee Recruitment Consulant

£20000 - £25000 per annum + competitive: SThree: SThree are a global FTSE 250...

Recruitment Genius: Marketing Assistant

£17900 - £20300 per annum: Recruitment Genius: An enthusiastic Marketing Assis...

Recruitment Genius: Chef / Managers

£24000 - £25000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This contract caterer is proud ...

Day In a Page

Mullah Omar, creator of the Taliban, is dead... for the fourth time

Mullah Omar, creator of the Taliban, is dead... again

I was once told that intelligence services declare their enemies dead to provoke them into popping up their heads and revealing their location, says Robert Fisk
Margaret Attwood on climate change: 'Time is running out for our fragile, Goldilocks planet'

Margaret Attwood on climate change

The author looks back on what she wrote about oil in 2009, and reflects on how the conversation has changed in a mere six years
New Dr Seuss manuscript discovered: What Pet Should I Get? goes on sale this week

New Dr Seuss manuscript discovered

What Pet Should I Get? goes on sale this week
Oculus Rift and the lonely cartoon hedgehog who could become the first ever virtual reality movie star

The cartoon hedgehog leading the way into a whole new reality

Virtual reality is the 'next chapter' of entertainment. Tim Walker gives it a try
Ants have unique ability to switch between individual and collective action, says study

Secrets of ants' teamwork revealed

The insects have an almost unique ability to switch between individual and collective action
Donovan interview: The singer is releasing a greatest hits album to mark his 50th year in folk

Donovan marks his 50th year in folk

The singer tells Nick Duerden about receiving death threats, why the world is 'mentally ill', and how he can write a song about anything, from ecology to crumpets
Let's Race simulator: Ultra-realistic technology recreates thrill of the Formula One circuit

Simulator recreates thrill of F1 circuit

Rory Buckeridge gets behind the wheel and explains how it works
Twitter accused of 'Facebookisation' over plans to overhaul reverse-chronological timeline

Twitter accused of 'Facebookisation'

Facebook exasperates its users by deciding which posts they can and can’t see. So why has Twitter announced plans to do the same?
Jane Birkin asks Hermès to rename bag - but what else could the fashion house call it?

Jane Birkin asks Hermès to rename bag

The star was shocked by a Peta investigation into the exotic skins trade
10 best waterproof mascaras

Whatever the weather: 10 best waterproof mascaras

We found lash-enhancing beauties that won’t budge no matter what you throw at them
Diego Costa biography: Chelsea striker's route to the top - from those who shared his journey

Diego Costa: I go to war. You come with me...

Chelsea's rampaging striker had to fight his way from a poor city in Brazil to life at the top of the Premier League. A new book speaks to those who shared his journey
Ashes 2015: England show the mettle to strike back hard in third Test

England show the mettle to strike back hard in third Test

The biggest problem facing them in Birmingham was the recovery of the zeitgeist that drained so quickly under the weight of Australian runs at Lord's, says Kevin Garside
Women's Open 2015: Charley Hull - 'I know I'm a good golfer but I'm also just a person'

Charley Hull: 'I know I'm a good golfer but I'm also just a person'

British teen keeps her feet on ground ahead of Women's Open
Turkey's conflict with Kurdish guerrillas in Iraq can benefit Isis in Syria

Turkey's conflict with Kurdish guerrillas in Iraq can benefit Isis in Syria

Turkish President Erdogan could benefit politically from the targeting of the PKK, says Patrick Cockburn
Yvette Cooper: Our choice is years of Tory rule under Jeremy Corbyn or a return to a Labour government

Our choice is years of Tory rule under Corbyn or a return to a Labour government

Yvette Cooper urged Labour members to 'get serious' about the next general election rather than become 'a protest movement'