If England were playing Malta in my front garden, I’d close the curtains

The Premier League closed down for a fortnight with a pulsating, unpredictable 4-4 draw between Chelsea and Manchester City. A drab international break can’t hope to come close to the same kind of excitement, writes Martin Chilton

Declan Rice, left, and Harry Maguire celebrate England’s 3-1 win over Italy, which sealed qualification for Euro 2024 in Germany (The FA/Getty)

A recent study of the most boring things in life included junk mail, queuing, taking the bins out and hearing about other people’s family trees. You could add “meaningless England football matches”. To coin an old Tommy Docherty joke, if England were playing Malta in my front garden, I would close the curtains.

The November “international break” throws up a pair of matches that mark a nadir, even for the tedium that is usually a friendly or Euro qualifier. England face Malta (at Wembley) and North Macedonia (in Skopje), the two at the bottom of Group C, with Gareth Southgate’s Three Lions having secured their place in the 2024 finals in Germany with October’s 3-1 win over Italy. The top price for a Malta ticket is £75. Imagine paying that much to watch football cold potatoes.

I’d love to see England win their first major tournament in 58 years – and bright young talents such as Bukayo Saka, Jude Bellingham, Marcus Rashford, Declan Rice and Phil Foden offer some hope – but the present unmerry-go-round of dull exhibition matches has hardly proved a foundation for a fluent, trophy-winning side. England had just one match in the November preceding their 1966 World Cup triumph, on a Wednesday night, sandwiched between Saturday club fixtures.