Sport on TV: Show gets cancelled for Portugal's prancing pony

"No time now for his smarty-pants tricks!"

In his long and illustrious career, Clive Tyldesley has never been more on the ball (ITV1, Thursday). The Scolari boys were 2-0 down and needed the best player in the world – allegedly – to prove to us all that the allegations are true. "Portugal need the real Ronaldo!" Tyldesley cried.

Some might say the real Cristiano Ronaldo is precisely what they got. The show pony went missing, his allergy to the big occasion flaring up yet again – remember the second half in Moscow last month? As a fan of his present employers I found myself thinking, "Off you go. That'll be 60m quid, please." From the real Ronaldo to the Real Ronaldo.

The Germans, meanwhile, were busy confounding all our prejudices with their sense of adventure. At1-0, Tyldesley read out Joachim Löw's words when he took over as Germany coach: "We must not go back to the days of over-reliance on traditional German values. These days even San Marino can run around and fight, too." Tyldesley pondered: "and how true is that – not only of Germany but of England?"

David Pleat, his colleague in the commentary box, concurred wholeheartedly. "Absolutely right," he said. "It's imagination, it's improvisation, it's creativity, it's rotational, it's being comfortable – we lack it in England. If Germany are true to the principles you've just suggested they won't sit back, they'll go for the second goal."

And so they did. "Germany are in the semi-finals," roared Tyldesley at the end. "Never, ever, ever write them off!"

"You can't write them off," confirmed Gary Neville in the studio. "You can't write them off," said anchorman Matt Smith five seconds later.

Top show pony on BBC's Royal Ascot coverage this week has been the foot-in-mouth fashion critic James Sherwood. His acid tongue provoked a deluge of complaints on Wednesday when he spotted two women walking past dressed in black, and remarked, "They look like war widows" – on the day four British soldiers were killed in Afghanistan. I can't say I made the connection myself. He apologised for that, but then blundered all over again when he was chatting to Carol Kirkwood, the BBC1 breakfast show weather presenter on Ascot duty.

Women racegoers, he said, are "heffers". Kirkwood was scandalised, apparently. "You can't say that!" Later in the day he stood by in distinct discomfort while Clare Balding apologised profusely on his behalf.

I'm not sure she should have bothered. He's a welcome antidote to all that Royal gush. Ascot needs the real James Sherwood!

PROMOTED VIDEO
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Caption competition
Caption competition
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?

Bleacher Report

Daily Quiz
Independent Dating
and  

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

Career Services

Day In a Page

The super-rich now live in their own Elysium - they breathe better air, and eat better food, when they're not making beans on toast for their kids

The super-rich now live in their own Elysium

They breathe better air, eat better food, take better medicine
A generation of dropouts failed by colleges

Dropout generation failed by colleges

£800m a year wasted on students who quit courses before they graduate
Entering civilian life 'can be like going into the jungle' for returning soldiers

Homeless Veterans appeal

Entering civilian life can be like going into the jungle
Sam Taylor-Johnson: Woman on top

Sam Taylor-Johnson: Woman on top

Fifty Shades of Grey director on bringing the hit to the screen
As in 1942, Germany must show restraint over Greece

As in 1942, Germany must show restraint over Greece

Mussolini tried to warn his ally of the danger of bringing the country to its knees. So should we, says Patrick Cockburn
Britain's widening poverty gap should be causing outrage at the start of the election campaign

The short stroll that should be our walk of shame

Courting the global elite has failed to benefit Britain, as the vast disparity in wealth on display in the capital shows
Homeless Veterans appeal: The rise of the working poor: when having a job cannot prevent poverty

Homeless Veterans appeal

The rise of the working poor: when having a job cannot prevent poverty
Prince Charles the saviour of the nation? A new book highlights concerns about how political he will be when he eventually becomes king

Prince Charles the saviour of the nation?

A new book highlights concerns about how political he will be when he eventually becomes king
How books can defeat Isis: Patrick Cockburn was able to update his agenda-setting 'The Rise of Islamic State' while under attack in Baghdad

How books can defeat Isis

Patrick Cockburn was able to update his agenda-setting 'The Rise of Islamic State' while under attack in Baghdad
Judith Hackitt: The myths of elf 'n' safety

Judith Hackitt: The myths of elf 'n' safety

She may be in charge of minimising our risks of injury, but the chair of the Health and Safety Executive still wants children to be able to hurt themselves
The open loathing between Barack Obama and Benjamin Netanyahu just got worse

The open loathing between Obama and Netanyahu just got worse

The Israeli PM's relationship with the Obama has always been chilly, but going over the President's head on Iran will do him no favours, says Rupert Cornwell
French chefs get 'le huff' as nation slips down global cuisine rankings

French chefs get 'le huff' as nation slips down global cuisine rankings

Fury at British best restaurants survey sees French magazine produce a rival list
Star choreographer Matthew Bourne gives young carers a chance to perform at Sadler's Wells

Young carers to make dance debut

What happened when superstar choreographer Matthew Bourne encouraged 27 teenage carers to think about themselves for once?
Design Council's 70th anniversary: Four of the most intriguing prototypes from Ones to Watch

Design Council's 70th anniversary

Four of the most intriguing prototypes from Ones to Watch