This could only be Siberia...
COUNTRY AND REGION
Welcome to Western Siberia. You are in the Rossiyskaya, the largest constituent republic in Russia.
NATURE OF THE TERRAIN
You are on a rolling snow covered plain made up of a mixture of frozen marshes and rivers, pine trees and bad farmland.
About 500 metres
Aleksandrovskiy Shlyuzo, a small market town.
Apart from freezing to death, perhaps the worst thing that could happen would be to get involved in a vodka-drinking session with the locals, during which you drunkenly declare Boris Yeltsin to be the best thing since rye bread.
You will be treated with suspicion if you speak any language other than Russian; and also if you speak Russian with a Moscow accent.
TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
President and snow-cat stunt specialist, Boris Nikolayevich Yeltsin.
LIKELY WEATHER CONDITIONS
Extreme continental conditions mean it's seriously cold (-20C), with snow, snow and yet more snow.
REASONS FOR HANGING AROUND
How about a spot of ice hockey on the village pond; practice your free style skating on the frozen river; and do lots of cross country skiing.
GETTING THE HELL OUT OF THERE
Skate down the River Kas and hang a right when you reach the River Yenisey. Some 400 miles later you should arrive at the Krasnoyarsk, an ugly industrial city and stopping place on the Trans-Siberian railway.Reuse content