A day in the life of the world

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The Independent Online
GOOD MORNING. This is the world news. Debt mountains, trade wars, economic recession, racial cleansing, desperate exiles, friendly fire, shrapnel bombs, dead babies, towering infernos, inner-city survivalists, 12-year-old rapists, endangered species, raging hurricanes, droughts, floodings, global warming, global cooling, gene damage, sensory deprivation, rebel forces, multiple suicide attempts, child abuse, pin-down, cash cuts, dwindling resources, pit-bull terriers, battered wives, civilian atrocities, decapitations, formal electrocutions, nuclear radiation, snatch squads, death squads, goon squads, firing squads, state terrorism, concentration camps, mass assassinations, mass graves, mud slides, reactor accidents, hunting accidents, angry mobs, acid bombs, traffic chaos, forced sterilisation, warlords, hijacks, torched cars, child pornography, aircraft crashes, untouchables, public- service corruption, terrorists, time bombs, armed diplomats, refugees, election frauds, general strikes, tank traps, organised crime, secret trials, show trials, executions without trials, murder conspiracies, snipers, police marksmen, masked gunmen, drug wars, fatwas, slashed wrists, heavy calibre weapons, solitary confinement, Balaclava- clad vigilantes, collapsing markets, collapsing health services, collapsing currencies, rapidly increasing homelessness, missile treaty violations, secret policemen, hired assassins, burning oil rigs, teenage suicides, dictators, arms escalation, crucifixion, lynching, lashings, gunrunning, illegal arms sales, attack helicopters, collateral damage, threats to the balance of power, uniformed bandits, ranting demagogues, crimes against humanity, schizophrenia, punitive import quotas, protein mountains, official propaganda, sex murders, prostitution on an industrial scale, burning civilians, tribal wars, ethnic wars, trade wars, acid rain, sports hooligans, serial killers, infected blankets, condemned meat, police informers, budget blowouts, malpractice, internal repression, punitive sanctions, disinformation, aggressive ultimatums, ethnic tensions, martial law, sieges, toxic fumes, mob murders, sexual harassment, flagging peace processes, tankbusters, compassion fatigue, electroconvulsive therapy, lacerations, macho symbols, wildfire, hell, high water, hostage scandals, oil fires, national mourning, persecuted dissidents, refugee camps, boycotts, war criminals, fascists, self-inflicted wounds, contaminated supplies, smart bombs, video nasties, overgrazing, dust bowls, child murders, mercury poisoning, exit wounds, ghettos, malnutrition, flying weapons platforms, viral mutations, cocaine cartels, murdered judges, radiation sickness, ozone pollution, street barricades, fragile accords, rat-infested rooms, no- go areas, no-fly zones, aggressive operational hostilities, crackdowns, flare-ups, shoot- outs, abductions, martial law, political persecution, ripped tongues, burned eyes, suicide bombers, Nazi hunters, deportations, displaced persons, share crashes, butter surpluses, ozone depletion, melanomas, rising sea levels, genocide, famine, 180 stitches, third-degree burns, maimings, earthquakes, eruptions, tornadoes, tidal waves, cancer, cot deaths, deaths in police cells, inner-city riots, HIV positive, Klansmen, hit lists, blacklists, defective medication, pilot error, dying lakes, school- bus crashes, drive-by killings, inner-city bandits, salmonella, overpopulation, land depletion, space litter, suburban blight, rubber bullets, collapsing value systems, dust storms, tracer bullets, decaying public services, structurally unemployed underclasses, Cinderella services, protection gangs, extortion, usury, massive soil erosion, deforestation, looting, bloody coups, purges, re-education camps, hardliners, provisionals, crack dealers, glue sniffers, petrol tasters, starvation, poison-pen letters, deep conspiracies, rising bankruptcies, trade depression, slavery, piracy, corporate exploitation, toxic-waste dumping, contaminated blood products, death threats, computer viruses, brain damage, abortion, anti- abortion, anti-abortion fire- bombings, oil spills, parents shot to death by masked gunmen, poisoned water, runaway inflation, the IRA in South Africa, innocent girls tortured to death in Bosnia and a comet on course to crash into the earth and extinguish all human and non-human life.

Now, our next programme Coo, What's That Tune Again? with Denis Norden, Nicholas Parsons and Bob Monkhouse]