Cooper Brown: At home

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The Independent Online

At home in the Cooperdome all day as Victoria is off looking at premises for her new store. This meant that me and H-F were alone together for the whole day – the first time in months.

I was rather hoping that the new nanny (who is from Australia and hotter than tomales) would be joining us. Annoyingly Victoria gave her the day off as she has just been dumped by her Greek boyfriend on a text that read: “It’s over… I have new girl.”This brilliant bit of succinct information apparently devastated her, so Victoria felt she needed time for herself. Personally I couldn’t have thought of a better time for her to spend some with me but Victoria clearly felt otherwise. H-F is now five years old and his TV preferences are painful in the extreme.

For some unfathomable reason he appears to love the ITV morning show Daybreak. Every time Adrian Chiles appears on the screen H-F starts jumping up and down and pointing like he’s really exciting. So we have to sit and watch this show with my kid behaving like a gay stalker every time Chiles looms into view. In the end I can’t take it and I go out on the balcony for a cigarette. I watch people going past and start playing a cool game where I try to get bits of earth from the plant pots to land on their heads. I hit this one yuppie type on the slick-back and he goes totally mental. I try to slink out of sight but he spots me. He starts hammering at the door and screaming death threats. This recession has really got to people. Cooper Out.

Twitter- @icooperbrown