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Cooper Brown

Cooper Brown: Brits

It's already started. I write two diary pieces for i and I'm inundated with offers to do "reality shows".

So far I've had requests from "Seventy Degrees North" in which I was asked whether I would like to slowly die of frostbite in Norway while listening to the inane whining of some asshole rejects off Hollyoaks. Then there was the pushy producer chick from a show called "In Another Life". This is when you supposedly live out what you wanted to be when you were a kid. Most people presumably go for train driver or pop star. As I was brought up by a fat hippy mother who handed me over to whichever member of the Californian commune she happened to be sleeping with that day – my childhood ambition was to kill hippies... slowly. The chick suddenly got less pushy and said she'd get back to me.

What the frick is it with you Brits trying to get on in the US - you're getting it all wrong. First you've got Ricky Gervais, who is starting to look like a dried-up walnut, trying to make a name for himself by insulting a lot of very talented people. Then you've got Piers Morgan copping out and coming over all gushy with Oprah? Gervais needs to show some respect and Morgan needs to start punching a little harder. He looked like a little girl on show one. If they don't sort it out I'm going to have to move back and take over.

Cooper Out.

Twitter- @icooperbrown