Cooper Brown: He's Out There

'I love hanging around with classy, rich people – the world just feels like a better place'

So, finally, everyone is back in town. A group of us get together at The Electric for a catch-up. Everyone has had much better vacations than me and it pisses me off.

Toby has been staying on a huge yacht cruising around the Med with a couple of heiresses. They got paparazzied off the coast of France and Toby was going to take on the scumbags and give them a "good thrashing", but it turned out that the girls had organised it to raise their profile – how cool is that? Meanwhile, Giancarlo, who is this merchant banker friend of Ben's, has been staying on an island that his family own in the middle of a lake in northern Italy. They have three Riva motorboats and the staff live on the mainland and just appear and disappear when necessary.

Giancarlo is banging quite an important Brit movie actress that I can't name as she's in a "serious" relationship with someone else (can't be that serious...). Anyway, he and this chick are hard at it on one of the Rivas anchored in the middle of the lake when a police boat pulls up alongside. Giancarlo gets up from his business and asks the officers what the problem is?

They see the naked actress on the bottom of the boat and they both salute him and tell him that he makes them proud to be Italian. They then roar off and he gets back to work. Imagine that happening over here? The police would arrest you for "having too much fun in a public place" then they'd confiscate the boat as a stealth fine and sell the story to some low-life newspaper. I love hanging out with classy, rich people – the world just feels like a better place, all glossy and shiny as opposed to the shitty reality of ignorant "hoodies" on the streets of the UK every day.

Dave Cameron is totally right to drop his stupid "hug a hoodie" bullshit. I had lunch with him and Samantha at Scott's last week and I joked that they should change it to "hang a hoodie". They laughed like drains, but I swear it would get them three million votes just like that.

There's definitely a real feeling of how much everyone hates this country at the moment. Everywhere I go, people fresh back from sunny, foreign climes are wondering why they'd bothered to come back? The problem is that the UK is where the money and the business and the Zeitgeist are. It's just such a shame that it's becoming such an expensive, bureaucratic, socialist hellhole to live in. I wonder if we'll ever get to the stage of somewhere like Ireland or Canada where everyone bright leaves the place for somewhere better?

Ben says that in the Seventies loads of his family all moved to Monaco because they were having to pay two pounds in tax for every pound they earned. Now I hate tax, but the idea of living in Monaco fills me with fear. I spent a weekend there once with Ben - we went for the Grand Prix. It was great, we got really smashed, lost lots of money in the casino and met some hot chicks. but living there... it would be like living in Disneyland.

I could always go back to LA, at least it's hot. But I had problems there too, and I wasn't famous like I am here, and that has great advantages. I think the best solution is multiple houses. Victoria thinks that four is perfect – one in London, one in the country, one somewhere hot like the South of France (NOT Monaco) and maybe a chalet in a ski resort where they don't allow Russians. Ben has five houses but I think that they are in the wrong places, I must have a word with him – maybe he'll give me one?

My Paris Hilton movie is totally in legal no-man's-land right now so I've got to get going on some new projects. I was thinking about doing the Amy Winehouse biopic because she'll probably kill herself right about the time it's finished, which would be perfect publicity. Dream-casting, I was thinking of Jude Law as the stupid-ass junkie boyfriend and that chick who came in as the fake Australian in Big Brother as Wino - she is HOT. I was at The Mercury Awards and I have to admit that she sang like an angel on the night but I was glad that she didn't win. I really like Klaxons and one of them has some connection with Hugo so I'd heard their album and felt very hip when they won.

I really like awards ceremonies when you're not up for anything as you can just really get drunk and verbally abuse everybody. I went a bit far heckling Jools Holland but he is such a hobo, I can't understand how he gets to present everything? In the States they wouldn't have let him into the building but I guess that's the difference between us, right?

I was eventually told to "shut the fuck up" by some organiser guy who didn't know who I was. We very nearly came to blows but I'm trying to turn over a new leaf and have fewer fights in public places (I have enough problems at home). As I left, I passed an emotional Winehouse and "Sid". I told her that she was great and she stuck her tongue out at me – that was probably a good omen for the movie. I ended up at the Groucho where I got gloriously pissed and decided that I love London, hate Monaco and need more drink. Cooper Out.

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