Cooper Brown: I see Mrs Himmler naked three times in two days

He's Out There: 'Victoria seems to find it hilarious that her mum is hitting on me. But it makes me feel quite sick'

Share
Related Topics

We drive down to the Himmlers (my in-laws) for the weekend. Very weird scenes: everything different now we are married. For a start, I see Mrs Himmler naked three times in two days. Trust me when I tell you that this is not something that anyone wants to see.

The first time is on the Saturday morning. I'm sitting on the john when the door opens and she walks right in. She is totally naked apart from a pair of furry slippers and I am half way through my business. She smiles at me in a bleary-eyed kind of way but carries on towards the sink to pick up some denture glass thing. I'm frozen mid-squeeze. She checks herself out in the mirror, looks depressed and then walks back, giving me a wan smile before exiting. This totally puts me off my duties, so I clean up and go tell Victoria what just happened. She thinks it's hilarious and tells me that I'm irresistible to women and that her mum is clearly hitting on me. She's joking, but it makes me feel quite sick.

We go down for breakfast, which is always a big, complicated affair. There is a table groaning with food under big silver bowls. You have to go serve yourself like a buffet and then sit down in pre-ordained places. Mr Himmler has a thing called "kedgeree", which is a kind of yellow rice curry. It makes his breath stink all day, but he swears that it keeps him healthy and apparently gets very upset if he stays somewhere where it is not available.

He was born in India, where his father was something to do with quelling the natives, so he has a couple of oriental quirks like this (he once showed me a nasty-looking curved sword that he keeps in the garages – he claimed that his father had killed five Sikhs with it in some uprising. Quite why he didn't use a gun was not discussed, but he started swishing it through the air like a mad person. It was quite scary.).

I choose the sausages and eggs – they are both from some poncey farm shop nearby run by a friend of the Himmlers. She's a former model who married some old rich dude and has set about spending as much of his money as possible on this food "emporium" where a steak costs £20 and you can buy lavender-scented water for your iron. It's a superb place to cruise for chicks as it's packed with yummy mummies trying to fill their empty days – just like in Notting Hill. Anyhow, the food is really good and I enjoy my breakfast despite the terrible thing I've just witnessed.

I look at Mr Himmler in a slightly different way – now I know what this guy has to look at every evening, it's no wonder he's a bit weird. I have an aversion to elderly nudity that goes right back to when I was a kid in Northern California, living in a community of hippies in a redwood forest. They all showed a deep aversion to clothing of any form. As well as soap. It scarred me for life and now I was getting a posh UK version of the experience.

My second "viewing" was even stranger. I was sitting on a bench under the huge willow tree that commands the croquet lawn. It's my favourite place to smoke and get away from them all. So I'm sitting there thinking about stuff when I look up to the windows and there, right up against the glass of the big bedroom, is a very naked Mrs Himmler again. She's just standing there with everything sagging out. She's got one of these thousand-yard stares on and she is completely still – it's really spooky... and disgusting.

I try to edge out of frame so that she doesn't spot me, but my movement seems to snap her out of her reverie and she sees me. She gives me a wave and steps back into the room. I stub my cigarette out and head for the pub. I've had enough of this.

I spend pretty much all day in there regaling the locals with tales of the wedding and the exotic honeymoon. Most of them have never left the county and I might as well be telling them about a trip to Mars. I do, however, definitely sense a slight shift in tone towards me. Whether they like it or not, I'm now married into the squirearchy and they know it. I like my new status – it makes me feel good, as do the thick, syrupy pints of brown bitter. I eventually stagger back to the manor house at about seven in the evening, just in time to be told to get dressed and ready, as there are guests coming for supper.

I put on my Richard James suit and leave Victoria to fiddle with her hair. I start negotiating the long upper corridor towards the dining-room stairs. I'm half way there when I notice the pink bathroom that is normally for guests has a light on. As I approach I can see that the door is open. I don't want to look in... but I have to. Mrs Himmler is lying face down on the floor, unconscious and totally naked. There is a half-empty glass of gin and tonic next to her prone body. I do the English thing – I walk on, go downstairs and join the guests. She never shows all evening and nobody ever mentions her non-appearance. The country scares me. Cooper Out.

facebook.com/profile.php?id=710642877

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: Customer Accounts Executive

£14000 - £18000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This is an opportunity for the ...

Recruitment Genius: Team Administrator / Secretary - South East

£14000 - £17000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: Full time Administrator/Secreta...

Recruitment Genius: Parts Advisor

£16500 - £18500 per annum: Recruitment Genius: One of the leading Mercedes-Ben...

Recruitment Genius: Software Developer

£27500 - £35000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This is an exciting opportunity...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

Errors & Omissions: a duchess by any other name is just wrong

Guy Keleny
A teenage girl uses her smartphone in bed.  

Remove smartphones from the hands of under-18s and maybe they will grow up to be less dumb

Janet Street-Porter
Fifa corruption: The 161-page dossier that exposes the organisation's dark heart

The 161-page dossier that exposes Fifa's dark heart

How did a group of corrupt officials turn football’s governing body into what was, in essence, a criminal enterprise? Chris Green and David Connett reveal all
Mediterranean migrant crisis: 'If Europe thinks bombing boats will stop smuggling, it will not. We will defend ourselves,' says Tripoli PM

Exclusive interview with Tripoli PM Khalifa al-Ghweil

'If Europe thinks bombing boats will stop smuggling, it will not. We will defend ourselves'
Raymond Chandler's Los Angeles: How the author foretold the Californian water crisis

Raymond Chandler's Los Angeles

How the author foretold the Californian water crisis
Chinese artist who posted funny image of President Xi Jinping facing five years in prison as authorities crackdown on dissent in the arts

Art attack

Chinese artist who posted funny image of President Xi Jinping facing five years in prison
Marc Jacobs is putting Cher in the limelight as the face of his latest campaign

Cher is the new face of Marc Jacobs

Alexander Fury explains why designers are turning to august stars to front their lines
Parents of six-year-old who beat leukaemia plan to climb Ben Nevis for cancer charity

'I'm climbing Ben Nevis for my daughter'

Karen Attwood's young daughter Yasmin beat cancer. Now her family is about to take on a new challenge - scaling Ben Nevis to help other children
10 best wedding gift ideas

It's that time of year again... 10 best wedding gift ideas

Forget that fancy toaster, we've gone off-list to find memorable gifts that will last a lifetime
Paul Scholes column: With the Premier League over for another year, here are my end of season awards

Paul Scholes column

With the Premier League over for another year, here are my end of season awards
Heysel disaster 30th anniversary: Liverpool have seen too much tragedy to forget fateful day in Belgium

Liverpool have seen too much tragedy to forget Heysel

Thirty years ago, 39 fans waiting to watch a European Cup final died as a result of a fatal cocktail of circumstances. Ian Herbert looks at how a club dealt with this tragedy
Amir Khan vs Chris Algieri: Khan’s audition for Floyd Mayweather may turn into a no-win situation, says Frank Warren

Khan’s audition for Mayweather may turn into a no-win situation

The Bolton fighter could be damned if he dazzles and damned if he doesn’t against Algieri, the man last seen being decked six times by Pacquiao, says Frank Warren
Blundering Tony Blair quits as Middle East peace envoy – only Israel will miss him

Blundering Blair quits as Middle East peace envoy – only Israel will miss him

For Arabs – and for Britons who lost their loved ones in his shambolic war in Iraq – his appointment was an insult, says Robert Fisk
Fifa corruption arrests: All hail the Feds for riding to football's rescue

Fifa corruption arrests

All hail the Feds for riding to football's rescue, says Ian Herbert
Isis in Syria: The Kurdish enclave still resisting the tyranny of President Assad and militant fighters

The Kurdish enclave still resisting the tyranny of Assad and Isis

In Syrian Kurdish cantons along the Turkish border, the progressive aims of the 2011 uprising are being enacted despite the war. Patrick Cockburn returns to Amuda
How I survived Cambodia's Killing Fields: Acclaimed surgeon SreyRam Kuy celebrates her mother's determination to escape the US

How I survived Cambodia's Killing Fields

Acclaimed surgeon SreyRam Kuy celebrates her mother's determination to escape to the US
Stephen Mangan interview: From posh buffoon to pregnant dad, the actor has quite a range

How Stephen Mangan got his range

Posh buffoon, hapless writer, pregnant dad - Mangan is certainly a versatile actor