After a hard day's aristo-hunting, how about a badger kebab at my place?

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I'm pretty apolitical. I have views, of a sort, but none entirely defined by a single political party or ideology. If anything, I align myself with Alan Clark, described as a "conservative (small c) anarchist". Basically, they're all bastards. I thought I'd never see anything worse than the Tories but Blair's banning bonanza is getting close. For Tony, like anyone in power for more than six years, it's all gone a bit pear-shaped.

I find myself instinctively wanting to protect anything that a government wants to "ban" even if I find it objectionable. I'd always presumed that the Tories were the ones for banning everything. They're the old school, reactionary, establishment types who don't approve of hippity-hop and foreigners and banned 24-hour raves which, to be honest, was a great relief to me at 19. Now, they're not even that anti-drugs. There's a wing in the party that is pretty keen on solving the drug problem by legalising everything. Down here in Gloucestershire, the real drugs problem is that I can't get hold of any.

New Labour started big with the banning of the House of Lords and fox-hunting. Both bans have taken time to accomplish, but the Governmentseems to have managed it without having put anything suitable in their place. Since most hereditary members of the Lords were in favour of fox-hunting and are currently unemployed maybe they could volunteer to replace the fox? I might even consider letting the local hunt ride over my land if they changed the prey.

I have wonderful visions of finding the 5th Earl of Chipping Bottom terrified and exhausted in one of my outhouses. I would be forced to explain to him that he was vermin and that he needed to be exterminated to keep country folk in employment and to stop them taking up burglary. I would then call the hunt-master and usher in the hounds to rip him apart. I'm not one of those spoilsport townies that are going to stop the local yokels having their fun.

Not content with this, New Labour has now gone for the jugular with its attempts to ban smoking, fatty foods and drinking. I have been very pro-active. The moment I heard its plans last week I got my builders in to start doing up the big barn by the river. I'm going to have a 24-hour speakeasy up and running within weeks.

When the locals come back from a hard day hunting the aristocracy they're going to want to put their feet up and relax. With pubs themselves no doubt next on the Government hit list, my speakeasy will be the number one destination for a top country night out.

As my local kebab shop has just been raided and closed down by a vegan SWAT team, I have managed to obtain all their old equipment. With the help of an unemployed fox-hunter who now spends his time baiting badgers I intend to provide the finest badger kebabs in the area. Combine this with as much of my homemade moonshine as you can drink and you're in for a top night out. I'm growing a little 'erb in the middle of my daughter's mustard and cress so there'll be plenty to smoke.

You do wonder what they're going to ban next. I'm hoping that they'll have a go at a couple of my personal bugbears; James Hewitt should be banned fromany other "reality" TV shows; there should be an automatic 10-year trading ban for any company that uses an automated telephone answering system; and they should ban all Arabs. Sorry, that last one's not me, it was Robert Kilroy-Silk who's been hacking into my computer again. Robert you perma-tanned twit, write your own articles.

I had a nanny as a child and the one thing that I could be sure of was that Nanny did indeed know best. She would mix helpings of common sense with a good "clip round the ear" when things got a bit out of hand. This Nanny state hasn't quite banned common sense yet but a clip round the ear is most certainly a no-no. That is unless you're John Prescott being attacked by an egg-chucking mullet. That's the toughest call of them all. Who's more of a case for banning? A man who chucks eggs at John Prescott or a man who hits a man with a mullet? The choice is yours.

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