Dom Joly: I'm ready, willing and available. And cheap

It didn't just stop there. Once, when very drunk, I rashly agreed to be auctioned off for lunch. I wasn't so drunk that I didn't realise that this was potential trouble. If you only go for two or three pounds it can be very embarrassing. So I got Harry Enfield to join me as a double-celebrity date. I think we raised well over a fiver. Last week he and I convened at a Soho restaurant to meet our purchaser. I felt like a hooker called to pleasure an unknown client. Harry and I knew that it was very likely that our purchaser was only really interested in one of us and the other would be something of a lemon. Harry felt sure that it was me the guy was after but I was not so sure. My suspicions were confirmed when I arrived at the restaurant. I was the first one there and sat sipping a Bloody Mary in the bar for 10 minutes before Harry turned up to be greeted like royalty by a bearded man who had been sitting next to me for the previous eight minutes. He clearly had no idea who I was, so I tried to slip away but Harry dragged me back. I made it very clear to the gentleman that I was married and didn't do extras. He looked a bit confused so I tried to get very drunk as he spent the entire lunch going through Harry's long back-catalogue of characters and telling him how brilliant he was.

I got away about two hours later and went to some meeting about something I was too drunk to comprehend. It was something about me and tampons and several men in suits with pony-tails got very excited and we all shook hands and slapped backs at the end so I'm sure that I'll eventually find out what it was about.

Slightly shell-shocked, I staggered to one of my favourite drinking holes. After a couple of pints I was starting to unwind when I spotted Jamie Theakston doing some liquid research for his new breakfast radio show. We started chatting when a student type asked Jamie for his autograph. It wasn't for him, he promised, it was for his girlfriend. Jamie pointed to me and asked whether she might like mine as well? The student stared at me blankly for a while and then said hesitantly that she was after both of our signatures but could Jamie do a big one on the first page of her special book. He then picked up a napkin from the table and gave it to me. I scrawled something like: "HHKDTttdpefk.......aaaahhhh" before wandering home. Average day, really.

I'm already planning howto light the Olympic flame at the 2012 opening ceremony. I will arrive in the stadium to a huge roar, big mobile in hand. I will approach the bowl, screaming "HELLO, I'm at the Olympics, no it's bollocks!!" Then a sheet of flame will leave the aerial of my phone and light the flame. Whoever deals with this stuff, call my agent: I'll do it for half price. I'm that kind of guy.