Dom Joly: I'll moida da bum! Haye and Harrison take boxing bravado to idiotic new heights

Weird World Of Sport: This guy could not win a fight with a goldfish. His career is rubbish and I am giving him a chance he doesn't deserve

Share
Related Topics

I've been very much enjoying the travelling circus that is the Audley Harrison versus David Haye media interviews. Obviously it's pretty standard for boxing promoters to garner some interest in a fight by turning it into some blood-fest grudge match but this all-British bout seems to be shaping up as a genuine cracker. Normally, the antagonism only shows up in the weighing room or in the pre-fight press conference. These two, however, seem to be on an interminable media tour in which they sit, with whoever is interviewing them between them, and come up with more and more imaginative ways that they are going to kill each other.

Even better, they never actually address or look at each other – like two spoilt kids. I really hope they have to share a cab to all these events and that somebody has thought to stick a camera in there. In case you missed any of these interviews, here's a rough transcript of one/all of them ...

"Joining us on the show today are two very big, angry men. You'll notice that I'm sitting in between them ... that's because the director thought it would emphasise how big these men are and it will allow me to goad them equally ... as though we're on Jerry Springer ... not a serious news programme. Big angry person number one, what are you going to do to big angry person number two?"

"I'm going to wipe the floor with him. He is not even going to be aware that he has lost because he will be stretchered off while I put on my very big shiny belt."

"Right ... strong words . Big angry person number two, what is your response to big angry person number one?"

"I'm just sitting here laughing because this guy doesn't know what is going to hit him when the fight starts. I'm going to hit him so hard that he is going to have to take an Inter-City train (economy class) to try and find all the bits of him to put back together ..."

"Right. What this idiot needs to realise is that these could very well be his last days on this earth because when I hit him, I am going to hit him harder than that time when I punched a cow to death when I'd had a few sherberts."

"Can I just say that this lunkhead keeps going on about how he punched a cow to death ... big deal, I once punched a car so hard that it fell apart."

"All this is kind of irrelevant because, even if this idiot could punch so hard that he could break a double-decker bus, he will have to land that punch on me and he won't as I'm faster than Usain Bolt."

"He might be faster than Usain Bolt but I'm faster than a cheetah and that's faster than Usain Bolt."

"Gentlemen ... if I can stop you for a second just to goad you a little more – big angry person number one, you said recently that big angry person number two was a fairy ballerina ... what did you mean by that?"

"What I meant is that he is like a little girl. He is like a little girl in a dress. With pigtails."

"And you're going to punch the little girl to death? Isn't that wrong – should you punch little girls?"

"I'm being metaphorical ... the reality of the situation is that he is like a feather and I'm going to blow him away and crush him ..."

"No, no, no, the actual reality of the situation is that he is going home to his bungalow in a body-bag as I'm going to break him into little bits so small that he will only require a matchbox for a coffin."

"This guy, right? This guy could not win a fight with a goldfish. His career is rubbish and I am giving him a chance he doesn't deserve to make lots of money by having me smash him up like he was a paper car in a demolition derby."

"Right ... well, I have to stop you there as we're running out of time. Thank you very much for coming on and insulting each other and you can see that fight next week on our Pay-View channel. Next up, domestic violence – what factors do experts think contribute to this distressing phenomenon and what should we be doing to stop it?"

Joly at Woodstock

See Dom Joly live at the Woodstock Literary Festival on Sunday 19 September at 12.10pm. For more information visit www.woodstockliteraryfestival.com

React Now

  • Get to the point
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Recruitment Genius: Sales Manager

£35000 - £45000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This is a unique opportunity to...

Recruitment Genius: Trainee Manager - Production

Negotiable: Recruitment Genius: Trainee Managers are required to join the UK's...

Recruitment Genius: Telesales Manager

£25000 - £35000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: You will maximise the effective...

SThree: Trainee Recruitment Consultant

£20000 - £25000 per annum + uncapped commission : SThree: Hello! I know most ...

Day In a Page

Read Next
A picture posted by Lubitz to Facebook in February 2013  

Andreas Lubitz: Knee-jerk reaction to 9/11 enabled mass murder

Simon Calder
The Archbishop of Canterbury, the Most Rev Justin Welby, presides at the reinterment of Richard III yesterday  

Richard III: We Leicester folk have one question: how much did it all cost?

Sean O’Grady
The saffron censorship that governs India: Why national pride and religious sentiment trump freedom of expression

The saffron censorship that governs India

Zareer Masani reveals why national pride and religious sentiment trump freedom of expression
Prince Charles' 'black spider' letters to be published 'within weeks'

Prince Charles' 'black spider' letters to be published 'within weeks'

Supreme Court rules Dominic Grieve's ministerial veto was invalid
Distressed Zayn Malik fans are cutting themselves - how did fandom get so dark?

How did fandom get so dark?

Grief over Zayn Malik's exit from One Direction seemed amusing until stories of mass 'cutting' emerged. Experts tell Gillian Orr the distress is real, and the girls need support
The galaxy collisions that shed light on unseen parallel Universe

The cosmic collisions that have shed light on unseen parallel Universe

Dark matter study gives scientists insight into mystery of space
The Swedes are adding a gender-neutral pronoun to their dictionary

Swedes introduce gender-neutral pronoun

Why, asks Simon Usborne, must English still struggle awkwardly with the likes of 's/he' and 'they'?
Disney's mega money-making formula: 'Human' remakes of cartoon classics are part of a lucrative, long-term creative plan

Disney's mega money-making formula

'Human' remakes of cartoon classics are part of a lucrative, long-term creative plan
Lobster has gone mainstream with supermarket bargains for £10 or less - but is it any good?

Lobster has gone mainstream

Anthea Gerrie, raised on meaty specimens from the waters around Maine, reveals how to cook up an affordable feast
Easter 2015: 14 best decorations

14 best Easter decorations

Get into the Easter spirit with our pick of accessories, ornaments and tableware
Paul Scholes column: Gareth Bale would be a perfect fit at Manchester United and could turn them into serious title contenders next season

Paul Scholes column

Gareth Bale would be a perfect fit at Manchester United and could turn them into serious title contenders next season
Inside the Kansas greenhouses where Monsanto is 'playing God' with the future of the planet

The future of GM

The greenhouses where Monsanto 'plays God' with the future of the planet
Britain's mild winters could be numbered: why global warming is leaving UK chillier

Britain's mild winters could be numbered

Gulf Stream is slowing down faster than ever, scientists say
Government gives £250,000 to Independent appeal

Government gives £250,000 to Independent appeal

Donation brings total raised by Homeless Veterans campaign to at least £1.25m
Oh dear, the most borrowed book at Bank of England library doesn't inspire confidence

The most borrowed book at Bank of England library? Oh dear

The book's fifth edition is used for Edexcel exams
Cowslips vs honeysuckle: The hunt for the UK’s favourite wildflower

Cowslips vs honeysuckle

It's the hunt for UK’s favourite wildflower
Child abuse scandal: Did a botched blackmail attempt by South African intelligence help Cyril Smith escape justice?

Did a botched blackmail attempt help Cyril Smith escape justice?

A fresh twist reveals the Liberal MP was targeted by the notorious South African intelligence agency Boss