Dom Joly: I'll moida da bum! Haye and Harrison take boxing bravado to idiotic new heights

Weird World Of Sport: This guy could not win a fight with a goldfish. His career is rubbish and I am giving him a chance he doesn't deserve
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The Independent Online

I've been very much enjoying the travelling circus that is the Audley Harrison versus David Haye media interviews. Obviously it's pretty standard for boxing promoters to garner some interest in a fight by turning it into some blood-fest grudge match but this all-British bout seems to be shaping up as a genuine cracker. Normally, the antagonism only shows up in the weighing room or in the pre-fight press conference. These two, however, seem to be on an interminable media tour in which they sit, with whoever is interviewing them between them, and come up with more and more imaginative ways that they are going to kill each other.

Even better, they never actually address or look at each other – like two spoilt kids. I really hope they have to share a cab to all these events and that somebody has thought to stick a camera in there. In case you missed any of these interviews, here's a rough transcript of one/all of them ...

"Joining us on the show today are two very big, angry men. You'll notice that I'm sitting in between them ... that's because the director thought it would emphasise how big these men are and it will allow me to goad them equally ... as though we're on Jerry Springer ... not a serious news programme. Big angry person number one, what are you going to do to big angry person number two?"

"I'm going to wipe the floor with him. He is not even going to be aware that he has lost because he will be stretchered off while I put on my very big shiny belt."

"Right ... strong words . Big angry person number two, what is your response to big angry person number one?"

"I'm just sitting here laughing because this guy doesn't know what is going to hit him when the fight starts. I'm going to hit him so hard that he is going to have to take an Inter-City train (economy class) to try and find all the bits of him to put back together ..."

"Right. What this idiot needs to realise is that these could very well be his last days on this earth because when I hit him, I am going to hit him harder than that time when I punched a cow to death when I'd had a few sherberts."

"Can I just say that this lunkhead keeps going on about how he punched a cow to death ... big deal, I once punched a car so hard that it fell apart."

"All this is kind of irrelevant because, even if this idiot could punch so hard that he could break a double-decker bus, he will have to land that punch on me and he won't as I'm faster than Usain Bolt."

"He might be faster than Usain Bolt but I'm faster than a cheetah and that's faster than Usain Bolt."

"Gentlemen ... if I can stop you for a second just to goad you a little more – big angry person number one, you said recently that big angry person number two was a fairy ballerina ... what did you mean by that?"

"What I meant is that he is like a little girl. He is like a little girl in a dress. With pigtails."

"And you're going to punch the little girl to death? Isn't that wrong – should you punch little girls?"

"I'm being metaphorical ... the reality of the situation is that he is like a feather and I'm going to blow him away and crush him ..."

"No, no, no, the actual reality of the situation is that he is going home to his bungalow in a body-bag as I'm going to break him into little bits so small that he will only require a matchbox for a coffin."

"This guy, right? This guy could not win a fight with a goldfish. His career is rubbish and I am giving him a chance he doesn't deserve to make lots of money by having me smash him up like he was a paper car in a demolition derby."

"Right ... well, I have to stop you there as we're running out of time. Thank you very much for coming on and insulting each other and you can see that fight next week on our Pay-View channel. Next up, domestic violence – what factors do experts think contribute to this distressing phenomenon and what should we be doing to stop it?"

Joly at Woodstock

See Dom Joly live at the Woodstock Literary Festival on Sunday 19 September at 12.10pm. For more information visit