Dom Joly: I'm crazy about Palin, and she's everything I hate

Click to follow

It's getting quite embarrassing. I'll be flicking through the "dirty" channels, hoping for a glimpse of what I desire when... Stacey bursts in and I have to fast-flick back to 'Takeshi's Castle' on Challenge. It's too late though – she knows what I'm up to. "Have you been watching Fox News?" she'll scream accusingly. I pretend to not know what she's talking about, but this lady is not for turning. "I don't know what you find so interesting about Sarah Palin but it's got to stop – she's a monster."

I try to bury myself deep into the comforting folds of my leather sofa. I know she's right but I am in the grip of a terrible obsession with the US VPILF. I can remember when I first saw her – all white teeth and sexy glasses and hair scrunched up in a bun like some clichéd teenager's mom fantasy. She was so... in charge... and so... sure of herself... she's not a blinker. She's everything I hate – a right-wing born-again who feels that she might be "good" with foreign policy because she can "see Russia from my house". McCain is about as healthy as Jimmy Savile and, should he win, she'll probably be President by Valentine's Day and at war with Belgium by the spring. I know all of this and yet, I think I love her... there, I've said it, it's out there.

I can't get enough of her. I spend hours surfing the US channels to find some pundit talking about her or somebody showing footage of her looking spookily sexy while shaking hands with a crowd. I used to love Obama – he was exciting and shiny and new – he was our Kennedy. Suddenly, he bores me. It's like when they announce that it's time for 'Newsnight' with Kirsty Wark. I groan and wish it were Jeremy Paxman. It's Palin I want now and I suspect that this is the same for voters in the US. They don't want to vote for someone who seems to be so effortlessly superior to them in almost every way – they want somebody who is actually like them... but a bit more glamorous. They want pigs like themselves, just in better lipstick.

I play this online video game called 'Call of Duty 4' and I connect with people from all over the world and talk to them while shooting at them. Last night I played a guy who lived in Wasilla – Palin's home town in Alaska. He was in a band that had played at her investiture when she was made Governor. He didn't have much time for her and couldn't understand the effect that she was having Stateside. Suddenly another voice piped up. This was Jif who lived in Roswell, New Mexico – home of the alien conspiracy theory. Jif was quite hard to understand as he/she had just come from the dentist where seven teeth had been removed and his/her mouth was heavily anaesthetised.

"Sarrahah Palllinn ish a gud woman. She likes gunnsh and hatesh queershh. She will win because that'sh what thish cuntry neeeddsh."

My new Alaskan friend and I were silent for a while. Jif filled the void. "She'sh a Cwishtyan and aint no Mushlim neither – Obama is a terrosisht and he's gonna bee gunned down anyways – nobody's gonna let him become Preshident."

"God help you," I mumbled to my Alaskan friend.

"Too late. He's apparently already on her side," he replied.

The one thing we all had in common was that we were already ignoring McCain. It's a straight fight between Obama and Palin and I wouldn't want to call the outcome. Whatever happens, it's going to be very exciting.

I already got the 'Indy' to send me to the Olympics – maybe it'll send me to the US elections. I could be assigned to Palin's camp or her bus or her boudoir. Just because it would be... interesting... you understand. Now I've got to go watch Fox.