Dom Joly: I'm out of step, so I'm keeping schtum

Share

I should really write this column about the Paralympics, and how wonderful and inspiring and brilliant to watch it all is. I should say that it's better than the actual Olympics. I should write all these things because it seems to be what everyone else is writing. The thing is, I don't agree. The problem is that if I write that then I become like the loathsome Frankie Boyle, or someone desperately trying to be contrary in an attempt to get publicity because I've got a new TV show or a new book out.

The problem is heightened by the fact that I do have a new television show and book out, and if I write anything negative about the Paralympics then I will get a wall of abuse online and some newspaper will write a story along the lines of, "Sick comedian slams Paralympics". Then I'd be called into ITV and given a dressing down by somebody who secretly agrees with me but has been told that he has to give me a talking to as it makes ITV look bad.

So I'm definitely not going to say anything about the Paralympics. You see, I've grown up and don't do things like that any more. I don't sabotage my own show and shoot myself in the foot by doing something stupid on the day after my show is broadcast.

On the day that the first Trigger Happy TV aired on Channel 4, I broke into the Big Breakfast garden and attacked the window behind which Johnny Vaughan and Denise Van Outen were presenting the live show. I was dressed as a sausage and being chased by a carrot. Viewers saw the presenters jump before a huge security man sent me flying out of shot. I was doing a spot of guerrilla marketing for some much-needed cash and had not even given my show's launch date a thought. I was arrested and put in a cell in Limehouse police station, still dressed as a sausage. I had to share said cell with a burglar who looked very worried about my brown tights. I was eventually released only to enter a furore, as Channel 4 wanted to know why it was airing the show of a moron who attacked their flagship breakfast show.

It was a good question and one that I should have possibly asked myself before embarking on the stunt. I do have a touch of the self-destruct to me. If ever things are looking like they are going a bit too well I find myself leaning a bit too far over the edge of the cliff.

That's why I'm not going to say anything about the Paralympics that isn't on message. I'm not going to say anything about the opening ceremony being too long. I'm not going to say anything about not being able to make head nor tail of most of the events, and spending most of my time saying "so what's wrong with that one?". Anything of that sort would be wrong.

So maybe I could do something about how rubbish the weather is. Or I could do my default panic column about the next-door farmer with his huge barns in which he breeds 50ft chickens? Maybe I should just forget about the column and watch TV? I wonder what's on? Oh yes, my new show Fool Britannia and … the Paralympics.

'Fool Britannia' goes out at 6.55pm on Saturday, on ITV1

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

BI Manager - £50,000

£49000 - £55000 per annum + competitive: Progressive Recruitment: My client is...

BI Project Manager - £48,000 - £54,000 - Midlands

£48000 - £54000 per annum + Benefits package: Progressive Recruitment: My clie...

VB.Net Developer

£35000 - £45000 per annum + competitive: Progressive Recruitment: If you're pa...

SAP Business Consultant (SD, MM and FICO), £55,000, Wakefield

£45000 - £55000 per annum + competitive: Progressive Recruitment: SAP Business...

Day In a Page

Read Next
 

The law is too hard on sexting teenagers

Memphis Barker
 

Obama must speak out – Americans are worried no one is listening to them

David Usborne
Screwing your way to the top? Good for Lana Del Rey for helping kill that myth

Screwing your way to the top?

Good for Lana Del Rey for helping kill that myth, says Grace Dent
Will the young Britons fighting in Syria be allowed to return home and resume their lives?

Will Britons fighting in Syria be able to resume their lives?

Tony Blair's Terrorism Act 2006 has made it an offence to take part in military action abroad with a "political, ideological, religious or racial motive"
Beyoncé poses as Rosie the Riveter, the wartime poster girl who became a feminist pin-up

Beyoncé poses as Rosie the Riveter

The wartime poster girl became the ultimate American symbol of female empowerment
The quest to find the perfect pair of earphones: Are custom, 3D printed earbuds the solution?

The quest to find the perfect pair of earphones

Earphones don't fit properly, offer mediocre audio quality and can even be painful. So the quest to design the perfect pair is music to Seth Stevenson's ears
US Army's shooting star: Lt-Col Steven Cole is the man Hollywood calls when it wants to borrow a tank or check a military uniform

Meet the US Army's shooting star

Lt-Col Steven Cole is the man Hollywood calls when it wants to borrow a tank or check a military uniform
Climate change threatens to make the antarctic fur seal extinct

Take a good look while you can

How climate change could wipe out this seal
Should emergency hospital weddings be made easier for the terminally ill?

Farewell, my lovely

Should emergency hospital weddings be made easier?
Man Booker Prize 2014 longlist: Crowdfunded novel nominated for first time

Crowdfunded novel nominated for Booker Prize

Paul Kingsnorth's 'The Wake' is in contention for the prestigious award
Vladimir Putin employs a full-time food taster to ensure his meals aren't poisoned

Vladimir Putin employs a full-time food taster

John Walsh salutes those brave souls who have, throughout history, put their knives on the line
Tour de France effect brings Hollywood blockbusters to Yorkshire

Tour de France effect brings Hollywood blockbusters to Yorkshire

A $25m thriller starring Sam Worthington to be made in God's Own Country
Will The Minerva Project - the first 'elite' American university to be launched in a century - change the face of higher learning?

Will The Minerva Project change the face of higher learning?

The university has no lecture halls, no debating societies, no sports teams and no fraternities. Instead, the 33 students who have made the cut at Minerva, will travel the world and change the face of higher learning
The 10 best pedicure products

Feet treat: 10 best pedicure products

Bags packed and all prepped for holidays, but feet in a state? Get them flip-flop-ready with our pick of the items for a DIY treatment
Commonwealth Games 2014: Great Scots! Planes and pipers welcome in Glasgow's Games

Commonwealth Games 2014

Great Scots! Planes and pipers welcome in Glasgow's Games
Jack Pitt-Brooke: Manchester City and Patrick Vieira make the right stand on racism

Jack Pitt-Brooke

Manchester City and Patrick Vieira make the right stand on racism
How Terry Newton tragedy made iron men seek help to tackle their psychological demons

How Newton tragedy made iron men seek help to tackle their psychological demons

Over a hundred rugby league players have contacted clinic to deal with mental challenges of game