Dom Joly: That's a nasty case of dandruff. Trousers down, please

Share
Related Topics

I have had my operation, and am now strapped up tighter than a very tight thing, in a cast that seems to have been laced with itching powder before they put it on my broken foot. Despite the operation on three metatarsals being very clearly highlighted as being on my left foot (someone even came and drew an arrow on my leg pointing at said foot, which didn't seem very scientific but is probably the best way to make sure), the usual medical high jinks were in view. "Operation on your foot, sir? Great – just strip off and put on these paper pants. Oh, and how about putting on a weird, backless dress?" I turned to Twitter for advice but all I got were nurses telling me the terrible things that they got up to once people like me were unconscious.

"We all like to get a photo of ourselves with your pants off," laughed one. Another claimed that I would be wheeled around the hospital on a special trolley so that everybody could see me in the paper pants. Twitter is not the place for a nervous patient. I tried to ask a serious question about why I had to wear paper pants for an operation on my foot. Could I not just wear my normal pants? Some people thought I was getting too obsessed with my pants, and told me so in no uncertain terms, but I'm continually perplexed as to why I end up in my pants (paper or not) whenever I go anywhere near anything medical.

I suppose if I was in that field it would definitely liven up my day. I'd have a big chart hidden away in the smoking room where all the staff would meet every morning before things got under way: "Right, thanks for coming, everybody. Just to let you know where we are on the board: Dr Jenkins, you managed to get 97 per cent of your patients to strip down to their pants yesterday. Exceptional work. Who refused?"

"I had a real tricky one – this chap came in and asked whether I could refer him to a specialist about a little scar on his cheek. Obviously, I told him to strip off, but we all know that faces are the tricky area when it comes to pants, and he simply declined."

"So what did you do? Didn't you try the old 'everything in the body is linked and I need a full assessment'? That normally works."

"Not with this one."

"Well, good work anyway. Now, Dr Pluff: you only got 5 per cent of your patients down to their pants. What the hell are you playing at?"

"I... I just don't see the point. It seems really silly."

"Silly? Of course it's bloody silly. It's bloody silly fun, and that's why we do it. We're doctors. We're into high jinks, getting drunk on pharmaceutical alcohol, and nicking legs from autopsies and putting them in patients' beds. It's what being a doctor is all about."

"Well, not for me. I don't like it."

"Then you won't last long in this game, Dr Pluff. Mark my words. Can I just congratulate Nurse Flaggart? She's got a wonderful shot of a patient's testicles that looked remarkably like the Chancellor of the Exchequer's face. I think, if there are no objections, we're going to make this the photo of the week."

Now I'm sitting at home (in my own pants) and working out ever more elaborate ways of getting things into my cast to alleviate the itch. Knitting needles are the old staple, but, weirdly, I don't knit, so I don't have any to hand. So far, I have tried chopsticks, a fork, a stick and a screwdriver. I think I have drawn blood, but it's difficult to tell. I'd go on Twitter to ask for advice but I'm pretty sure what the answer would be.

React Now

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Senior IP Opportunity at Major Firm

vary Attractive Salary: Austen Lloyd: MANCHESTER - AN OPENING AT A VERY HIGH Q...

Nursery Manager

£100 - £110 per day: Randstad Education Ilford: Nursery Manager Long term Ran...

Sales Consultant – Permanent – West Sussex – £24-£25k plus commission and other benefits

£24000 - £25000 Per Annum plus company car and commission: Clearwater People S...

SEN Teaching Assistant

£45 - £65 per day: Randstad Education Bristol: Supply SEN Support Jobs in Bris...

Day In a Page

Read Next
The Liberal Democrats leader says efforts need to be focused on cracking down on the criminal gangs  

Nick Clegg: We should to go to war on drugs, not on addicts

Nick Clegg
East German border guards stand on a section of the Berlin wall in front of the Brandenburg gate on November 11, 1989  

Twenty-five years after the Berlin Wall fell, Hungary’s PM thinks it is Western capitalism that is in its death throes

Peter Popham
The drugs revolution starts now as MPs agree its high time for change

The drugs revolution starts now as MPs agree its high time for change

Commons debate highlights growing cross-party consensus on softening UK drugs legislation, unchanged for 43 years
The camera is turned on tabloid editors in Richard Peppiatt's 'One Rogue Reporter'

Gotcha! The camera is turned on tabloid editors

Hugh Grant says Richard Peppiatt's 'One Rogue Reporter' documentary will highlight issues raised by Leveson
Fall of the Berlin Wall: It was thanks to Mikhail Gorbachev that this symbol of division fell

Fall of the Berlin Wall

It was thanks to Gorbachev that this symbol of division fell
Halloween 2014: What makes Ouija boards, demon dolls, and evil clowns so frightening?

What makes ouija boards and demon dolls scary?

Ouija boards, demon dolls, evil children and clowns are all classic tropes of horror, and this year’s Halloween releases feature them all. What makes them so frightening, decade after decade?
A safari in modern Britain: Rose Rouse reveals how her four-year tour of Harlesden taught her as much about the UK as it did about NW10

Rose Rouse's safari in modern Britain

Rouse decided to walk and talk with as many different people as possible in her neighbourhood of Harlesden and her experiences have been published in a new book
Welcome to my world of no smell and odd tastes: How a bike accident left one woman living with unwanted food mash-ups

'My world of no smell and odd tastes'

A head injury from a bicycle accident had the surprising effect of robbing Nell Frizzell of two of her senses

Matt Parker is proud of his square roots

The "stand-up mathematician" is using comedy nights to preach maths to big audiences
Paul Scholes column: Beating Manchester City is vital part of life at Manchester United. This is first major test for Luke Shaw, Angel Di Maria and Radamel Falcao – it’s not a game to lose

Paul Scholes column

Beating City is vital part of life at United. This is first major test for Shaw, Di Maria and Falcao – it’s not a game to lose
Frank Warren: Call me an old git, but I just can't see that there's a place for women’s boxing

Frank Warren column

Call me an old git, but I just can't see that there's a place for women’s boxing
Adrian Heath interview: Former Everton striker prepares his Orlando City side for the MLS - and having Kaka in the dressing room

Adrian Heath's American dream...

Former Everton striker prepares his Orlando City side for the MLS - and having Kaka in the dressing room
Simon Hart: Manchester City will rise again but they need to change their attitude

Manchester City will rise again but they need to change their attitude

Manuel Pellegrini’s side are too good to fail and derby allows them to start again, says Simon Hart
Isis in Syria: A general reveals the lack of communication with the US - and his country's awkward relationship with their allies-by-default

A Syrian general speaks

A senior officer of Bashar al-Assad’s regime talks to Robert Fisk about his army’s brutal struggle with Isis, in a dirty war whose challenges include widespread atrocities
‘A bit of a shock...’ Cambridge economist with Glasgow roots becomes Zambia’s acting President

‘A bit of a shock...’ Economist with Glasgow roots becomes Zambia’s acting President

Guy Scott's predecessor, Michael Sata, died in a London hospital this week after a lengthy illness
Fall of the Berlin Wall: History catches up with Erich Honecker - the East German leader who praised the Iron Curtain and claimed it prevented a Third World War

Fall of the Berlin Wall

History catches up with Erich Honecker - the East German leader who praised the Iron Curtain and claimed it prevented a Third World War
How to turn your mobile phone into easy money

Turn your mobile phone into easy money

There are 90 million unused mobiles in the UK, which would be worth £7bn if we cashed them in, says David Crookes