Dom Joly: Zut alors! Domenech for le chop as Sarkozy readies the guillotine

Weird World of Sport: "You are joking of course. There is no way that the magnificent French nation can be defeated by a bunch of sombrero-wearing siesta merchants?"
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This week I manage to dial into the tiny President of France's mobile. Nicolas Sarkozy is a busy man – he never seems to be off the phone. I've had a very entertaining week.

Phone rings...


"Allo Domenech ... it's your president on the line."

"Ah... Bonjour Monsieur Le President... how are you?"

"I am fine mon ami. If I am honest with you, I am a leetle tired. I have been attending to ... matters of state with the president of Italy on his private yacht off Capri. We were working very late into the night on some ... important affairs."

"Ok... Well thank you for ringing me sir, although it is a little late here, it is three in the morning..."

"Yes I am sorry to disturb you but Madame Le President is not in ze best of moods and I am wandering around the Bois de Boulogne until she calms down a little."

"I understand sir...."

"So Domenech, I am reenging you, my beloved national coach, to find out about how we are doing in ze World Cup – I have been ... uuhhmm no allowed to watch television recently if you know what I mean... How many goals did we beat the Mexicans by?"

"Uuhhmmmm ... we were defeated Monsieur le President..."

"What?! You are joking of course. There is no way that the magnificent French nation can be defeated by a bunch of sombrero-wearing siesta merchants? This is impossible."

"I'm afraid, however, that this ees what happened Excellency..."


"I'm sorry Monsieur Le President but ees not my fault. They played like spoilt assholes, once I am in ze dugout I can do nothing..."

"How ... why ... how could this happen? We are ze best team in the world! I have just made a sizeable wager with Berlusconi and I cannot lose – ze wager is of considerable expense. He tells me Italian hookers are expensive. Do you know how much six hookers cost by zhe hour?"

"No ... non, Monsieur Le President, this I do not know ... but I imagine more than the cost of a new Citroën..."

"A lot more you bespectacled nincompoop ... where do we stand zen? One victory, one loss ... we will steel go through yes?"

"Uuummm, we do not have a victory yet sir, we have one loss and one draw – with Uruguay..."

"With who? I have never even heard of zees place, wot is Urgay? What was ze score in zees match?"

"It was neeel neeel Monsieur Le President..."

"WHAT? So we have not even scored a goal yet. Thees ees a national disgrace ... I shall bring back ze guillotine especially for you."

"Monsieur Le President, I am very sorry. It is not my fault however eet ees the fault of ... Zidane ... yes it is Zidane's fault."

"WELL DO NOT SELECT HEEM FOR THE NEXT MATCH ... drop heem and get someone better for the next match."

"No sir, you misunderstand ... he does not play for us any more, he ees too old and bald."

"So what ees the problem then?"

"Sir, he sits behind me in the crowd and he look at me in a frightening manner. I always theenk he is going to come and hit me with hees head."

"WHAT!!! What are you a man or a Belgian? Pull yourself together or your head will be rolling along the cobbles of the Place de la Concorde before you can say hon-hon-hon."

"Yes, Monsieur Le President." "We have another game – we must ween zees and then I will pay some money to somebody to organise something to happen ... do not worry. Who do we play next?"

"Uuh, it's South Africa sir..."

"Ah no problem, Africans are useless at everything but rioting in les banlieues."

"Uuuhhmmmm ... ees a big problem sir, as they are the host team and I received a visit from some gentlemen last night who were carrying a car tyre, some petrol and a lighter ... zey hinted that it might be a very bad idea if we beat them tomorrow..."

'Domenech – ze honour of France is at stake – everybody knows zat we French do not back down or run like leetle girls screaming at the top of our lungs."

"Non sir ... zat would be ridiculous and embarrassing."

"So, your choice as a proud Frenchman appears to be ze guillotine here or ze fiery necklace over zere ... I must say homme a homme, I do not envy you your decision..."

"Thank you for your support Monsieur le President ... Vive La France!"

"Yes ... whatever ... I must go now ... I must get back to zee palace. Zere is a young lady in a raincoat and fishnet stockings asking me for a light and I don't want to get in trouble with Carla. Adieu mon ami ... it's a tough business this life non?"

"Oui mon President...."